J-Dub and Meehan Breakdown The 32 Proposed NFL Helmet Designs: The AFC

by J-Dub and Ryan Meehan

The other day, we did Part I of this article where we covered the NFC.  Today, it’s the AFC’s turn.

In case you missed it, there’s a company out there called Deeyung Entertainment which has taken it upon itself to offer new helmet designs designs for all 32 NFL teams.  These have been floating around various social media outlets for a while, but nobody has really taken a hard look at them.  J-Dub and Meehan have taken care of that for you.

The first thing you will notice about most of these designs is that they look like they were done by the same people who make those gargantuan-print playing cards your nearly-blind grandmother has.  That isn’t the only common theme, but If we told you all of them up front, you wouldn’t have any fucking reason to read this, now would you?

1) Baltimore Ravens

Meehan:

I’m a tad biased here, because I am completely exhausted of all things Baltimore Ravens. I’m tired of the Ray Rice story, and if he never plays another down in the league I’m not going to lose a minute of sleep. I can notice the subtle differences in this design, but only if I stare at my computer screen for about an hour and a half and take three times my nightly recommended does of Ambien. I can’t see that the designer put much thought into this one. It’s so weird, because although I am a bitter middle-aged man that has a black heart full of hate – I can’t bring myself to muster up the energy to have any sort of a well-interested opinion about this.  Huh…What a coincidence, that’s the same approach Joe Flacco uses when he speaks to the media.

J-Dub:

Nevermore. Next.

The Verdict: Downgrade.

2) Buffalo Bills

Meehan:

I couldn’t possibly have timed this one even worse, because after just making a joke at the expense of Michael Sam’s sexuality I find myself shrieking when I look at the Bills design like I was Ross Matthews when he had just seen Renee Zellweger on the Red Carpet at some awards ceremony neither one of us will ever watch. I take no shame in pointing out that this is a fashion faux-pas, and that it is a fundamental error to put blue directly on red with nothing to separate it. What does it say about the proposed design of a team’s helmet when their current model is better and the only two players you can associate it with are Kyle Orton and OJ Simpson? It says that this would be a serious mistake, and I can only assume J-Dub would agree.

J-Dub:

Here’s what I will agree with. Yes, this helmet is terrible.  But I can’t agree with almost everything else Meehan said there because mentioning Michael Sam, anything with a Red Carpet ceremony, and the proper use of the word faux-pas puts that entire paragraph about three credits short of a bachelor’s degree from Gay University. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but I’m a married guy who just really doesn’t get the rules about blue on red or whatever.

The Verdict: Downgrade

3) Cincinnati Bengals

Meehan:

Perhaps it is indeed time to abandon the tiger-striped helmets that we have come to associate with the league’s longest running set of ginger jokes involving a guy who couldn’t buy a playoff win if it was 88 cents at Walmart.  I love cats, but seriously the Bengals were the one cat team who hadn’t given into these new-fangled college style designs so I will disappointed if they end up adopting anything that looks like this. Isabella and Shadow are not impressed, and those two lick their own assholes on a pretty consistent basis. I appreciate the effort, but as for the finished product I’m not all that thrilled.

J-Dub:

This the the AFC version of what these people proposed for the Chicago Bears. It’s a diagram of the anatomy of a hemorrhoid, except this one has a more clearly defined face. Wait, that’s actually appropriate since Bengals’ owner Mike Brown can be best described as a “hemorrhoid with a face.”

The Verdict: Downgrade

4) Cleveland Browns

Meehan:

As much as I’d like to remain a traditionalist when it comes to some of these storied franchises, eventually the Browns must move on from the orange helmets. And why are we pretending like that color is brown? It’s not, it’s orange and I know this because social media was awash in meaningless status updates last week when the Browns changed their orange helmets to a different shade of orange helmet.

Now I know what you’re thinking: “Meehan, how in the world could you think that this is a good helmet design?”

I don’t.  It’s fucking terrible. But if the Cleveland Browns think that they are going to be able to sell any sort of anything related to that football team over the next 50 years to a city full of sports fans that don’t have any money, they might as well let Johnny Football start all sixteen games this year because their decision making skills have totally jumped the tracks. I think it’s weird that the dog looks exactly like the dog from the label on those Red Dog beers everybody used to drink when I was in college and we were out of Icehouse.

J-Dub:

That’s a dog? Really? I thought it was the result of Chris Berman commuting an unnatural act with a Yorkshire sow.  Either way, somebody needs to explain to me what the fuck a quasi-dog-like thing has to do with the Browns. Before you start telling me about the fan base being know as the “Dog Pound,” think about what a bad idea it would to start naming teams after their fans. Do you really want to see a league with teams like the New York Guidos, the Philadelphia Battery Throwers, and the Dallas Sheep Fuckers?

The Verdict: Downgrade

5) Denver Broncos

Meehan:

This one I consider to be an upgrade because it goes back to the old logo the Broncos used in the eighties while John Elway was raising that franchise to mediocrity. But there are two key elements that are cause for delight here other than making the logo larger: They got rid of that stupid stripe down the middle, and instead of going totally powder blue – we’ll discuss that more here in a moment – they actually made it closer to the dark blue that the Broncos fans have become accustomed to in recent years. In my eyes, this one is a win-win. Right now somewhere in Boulder, there’s a guy wearing a Karl Mecklenburg jersey looking at this who’s got a bong packed full of legal weed, and that man is smiling for many reasons.

J-Dub:

They wouldn’t be the Denver Broncos without having horrible uniforms, and this helmet is actually an upgrade over the current one where the Bronco looks like some sort of sea-dragon. If they do adopt these helmet, they may want to wait until after Peyton Manning leaves so they don’t need to have one specially-made to fit his dolphin forehead.

The Verdict: Upgrade

6) Houston Texans

Meehan:

Finally, a throwback helmet that completely eliminates any recent changes to the franchise’s color scheme and brings it back to reality. Sure it’s not the same franchise, but this one is so great.  Who really cares? It’s still killer, and it’s still relevant as Texas and the people who live in that state are primarily known for drilling oil like the logo suggests. As an added bonus, that stupid bull head is nowhere to be seen and neither is Matt Schaub. They say you can’t win them all, but what the fuck do they know? Earl Campbell would be proud, and maybe it’s time to bring “Ol’ Riggy” back from the dirt grave. There is another helmet that’s a version of the current one, but white and stupid so I’m not even going to upload a picture of it. Let’s just keep this image in our head for good measure.

J-Dub:

I would be all in favor of renaming the Texans to the Houston Oilers, but I don’t want to stop there; let’s fix them all. Not only do we get back the Houston Oilers, but the Ravens need to be the Baltimore Colts, if the Rams stay in St. Louis, they need to be re-named the Cardinals, the next franchise in Los Angeles should be named the Rams, and Arizona and Indianapolis can start over with new identities that didn’t belong to somebody else first.

The Verdict: Fuck Yeah

7) Indianapolis Colts

Meehan:

When Colts fans aren’t whining about how the world has done them wrong or indirectly suggesting that their fans be patient until Tom Brady retires for that long awaited Super Bowl appearance under Andrew Luck, they have hung on to their uniform and helmet designs much in the same way which my ex-girlfriends have hung on to the invisible possibility that their phone is going to eventually ring and I will be on the other end.

The changes can’t come swiftly and drastically enough, because if that were the case they would have made those changes when they built that new $720 million dollar stadium. So moving to the blue helmet with the grey fade-down makes perfect sense, because it means that they can change the helmets without touching the uniforms.

J-Dub:

There’s two types of Colts fans. There’s the ones who wear Colt blue Andrew Luck jerseys, and there’s the ones who wear Bronco orange Peyton Manning jerseys. No matter what you do, the helmets are going to clash with half the fan base,  so screw it…do what ever you want. Besides, Indianapolis deserves an NFL franchise as much as Kim Kardashian deserves a Nobel Peace Prize.

The Verdict: Upgrade

8 ) Jacksonville Jaguars

Meehan:

Part of me wants to love this one, but another part of me wonders why that turquoise color that looks a lot like water sneaks all of the way up into the cat’s mouth. It’s better than what they currently have, but then again what they currently have is shit so that’s like saying that Lenny Kravitz is great just because Jimi Hendrix is dead. Take the aquamarine blue down a half of an inch and we might have something here, but throw Blake Bortles in the Atlantic Ocean and you’ll likely end up with something too.

J-Dub:

Meehan is right. It does look like the cat is drinking toilet water, and I have a cat dumb enough to do that.  That means the only thing I see when I look at this helmet is an $88 vet bill.

The Verdict: Upgrade, but who cares?

9) Kansas City Chiefs

Meehan:

The biggest issue here is while this breathes life into the Chiefs currently boring color scheme, it looks awfully similar to the design this bunch assigned to the Washington Redskins. It’s almost identical aside from the abbreviated letters, and in all honesty, that yellow is going to be much more prevalent once the Redskins are forced to change some part of their logo and/or name.  Once that happens, the Chiefs are next.

J-Dub:

Mustard yellow is probably my least favorite color on the planet, unless it’s actually mustard.  Kansas City is more known for it’s barbecue, which is not know for it’s compatibility with mustard.  Stick with with barbecue sauce red and be done with it.  And get me an order of burnt ends from Arthur Bryant’s while your at it.

The Verdict: Downgrade

10) Miami Dolphins

Meehan:

This is easily the worst of these new designs.  This would make the Dolphins the laughing stock of the entire social networking landscape. It’s tough to do anything good with the Dolphins though, because almost every adjustment you’d make is going to involve more orange – which is great for preventing highway construction zone accidents but awful for NFL helmets. When you combine that with the fact that the Dolphins just changed their logo, the idea of any serious alteration involving a change in design looks almost as bad as their run defense. Almost.

J-Dub:

I can’t support anything which looks like the moldy orange I found in the back of my refrigerator this morning.

The Verdict: Downgrade

11) New England Patriots

Meehan:

Overall, I think this is a good helmet design, but in the end we know the Patriots aren’t concerned with stuff like this. You could put Bill Belichick’s team on the field in pink helmets with uniforms that had frills on the sleeves, and they’d still be wiping their ass with about 94% of the league on any given Sunday. I like the design but I would kind of miss the silver seeing as how I’m a Giants fan, and if you didn’t laugh at that joke don’t ever come back to either one of our websites again. This would be a weird one because you can only see one side of these things from the picture, and I can’t help but think that from the front of the helmet it would appear that Pat Patriot is kissing himself. Which is fine, I suppose that could land him a role as a contestant on Dancing with the Stars.

J-Dub:

Patriot Sam was one of the coolest logos in the history of sports, and they got rid of him faster than Aaron Hernandez dumped the body and the evidence. An change which doesn’t involve his return isn’t worth a damn.

The Verdict: Downgrade

12) New York Jets

Meehan:

For some reason, I’ve always thought the 1980’s Jets helmets were awesome. I can’t fucking stand the current design, and it makes them look like the aged AFL team that was one Joe Namath guarantee away from us writing articles about which World Series ad was the best. The 80’s logo on the other hand is way cool, and sure as I am that Mark Gastineau’s ex-wife has a penis, I am certain this design would work.

J-Dub:

Meehan and I agree on the Jets togs of the 1980’s. We disagree on the current uniforms, which are actually the originals from the 1960’s.  We agree the 1980’s logo can work, but not on this awful helmet. It looks like the Jolly Green Giant’s kidney stone.

The Verdict: Split Decision

13) Oakland Raiders

Meehan:

Seriously, it doesn’t matter what Oakland puts on their helmets at this point. They could have a pirate with an eye patch throwing a terrorist on fire with a noose around his neck off of the poop deck, and they’d still be the least threatening team in the National Football League. The problem with this one is the top strap of the chin guard goes right into the eye patch on the pirate’s helmet, and although that’s pretty symbolic of the way things have gone for the Raiders ever since they forced Marcus Allen out of town.

J-Dub:

The classic look the Raiders have with their current uniforms is really the only thing they have left. The kind of people who want to take that away from Raider fans are the same kind of people who go down to the orphanage on Christmas Eve to remind the kids they don’t have any parents.

The Verdict: Downgrade

14) Pittsburgh Steelers

Meehan:

I have to be honest with you.  For a couple of seconds, I didn’t know to which team this helmet belonged. It took me a minute to figure out those three stars were from the original Steelers logo, which could be a problem for Steelers fans when they wake up hungover on Sunday afternoon at 1:30 and can’t figure out who the hell is on their television set. I feel the same way about this one as I do about Green Bay’s – you don’t mess with a classic. The Steel pattern on those stars looks beyond dumb, and so do those same prints on the facemask. No thank you.

J-Dub:

This design sucks swamp water; a classic example of “if it isn’t broke, don’t fix it.”

The Verdict: Downgrade

15) San Diego Chargers

Meehan:

Before we get started here, let me just state that I have always been a fan of the powder blue Chargers jerseys, but only when they’ve had the white helmets to match. This unfortunate design suggestion would cause a huge problem, and likely look pretty dumb with every possible combination of jersey the Bolts could come up with. To be fair the dark blue facemask does look cool on this one, but I think it really boils down to being a case of wanting too much of a great color by asking for two shades of it. For some odd reason, I just can’t reconcile the most dangerous part of an NFL uniform being this periwinkle. It makes me want to call 1-800-Crayola and ask them if they make crayons in Pussy Pink.

J-Dub:

All I see here is a bad combination of something from Marvel Comics and the old Saturday Night Live cartoon “The Ambiguously Gay Duo.”

The Verdict: Downgrade

16) Tennessee Titans

Meehan:

I’m torn here, but mostly between the fact that I’m torn and I probably shouldn’t be. On one hand, I like the fact that the sword is bigger (am I right, ladies?)  But on the other hand, the fact that the logo from the state flag is larger makes this look very “Senator from Tennessee”-influenced.   But what eclipses that is ever since Kevin Dyson failed to reach the end-zone in the last play of Super Bowl XXXIV, I haven’t really cared enough about the Titans to have a strong opinion on them either way. I liked Chris Johnson, but his greatness seems to have been short-lived. What’s that? he played for the Jets last year? I hardly noticed.  I guess that speaks volumes about where I’m at with this one.

J-Dub:

Sticking with Meehan’s theme…one one hand, anything that gets rid of the Titans current “Flaming Thumbtack” logo can’t be bad. But on the other, this design looks way too much like the Scottish Claymores of the of defunct NFL Europe, and I don’t think we need any reminders of that.

The Verdict: Split Decision

To see our takes on the NFC, click here.