Dubsism

What your view of sports and life would be if you had too many concussions

The NFL “All-Time, All-Locked Up” Team

burt reynolds longest yard

If you’re over 40, you remember a version of “the Longest Yard” which didn’t have Adam Sandler in it.  That was a fictional account of a football player in prison, However, there are a fair number of NFLers who have been behind bars.  All of us over 30 remember O.J. Simpson.   Age regardless, we all just saw what happened to Aaron Hernandez.  While those are just two of the most well-known examples, I would bet nobody would be really surprised at the idea that one could compose a pretty good NFL team from guys who have been in jail.

Offense:

Offensive Line

On November 4, 2001, police in St. Martin Parish, Louisiana, found 213 pounds of marijuana in Newton’s van. Five weeks later, while on bail for the first arrest, he got popped with 175 more pounds of the dank buds. He was sentenced to 30 months in federal prison.

Rammed his car several times into a vehicle occupied by his wife and infant daughter.

Assaulted his roommate with scalding water.

Slammed the mother of his two children against wall and hit her with a mop handle.

Shoved a woman who was holding an infant to the ground and took her phone to prevent her from calling 911.

Beat up his pregnant girlfriend.

The first of many wife-beaters.

Punched a woman in the face.

Got busted on a felony warrant for writing bad checks in Nevada after being pulled over for speeding in Wisconsin.

Quarterbacks

By his own count, Schlichter has committed over 20 felonies to support his gambling habit. He stole, conned, and frequently passed bad checks. In an interview for ESPN’s Outside the Lines, he estimated that he’d stolen $1.5 million over the years, if not more.  Between 1995 and 2006, he served the equivalent of 10 years in 44 various prisons and jails across the Midwest. His various legal problems included fraud and forgery cases.  He was so consumed by his habit that he had his public defender smuggle a cell phone into prison so he could place bets.  He later said that he hit rock bottom in 2004 after he was caught gambling in prison. He was placed in solitary confinement for four months.  By one estimate, he owes half a million dollars in restitution.

In April 2007, Vick was involved in an illegal dog fighting ring that he ran for five years. In August 2007, he pleaded guilty to felony charges and served 19 months in prison, then two months in home confinement.

In May 2009, Leaf was indicted on burglary and controlled-substance charges in Texas. He was in a drug-rehabilitation program in British Columbia at the time of the indictment, and was arrested by customs agents at the border on his return to the U.S.  On June 17, he posted a $45,000 bond in Washington state for the criminal charges in Texas.  In April 2010, he pled guilty in Amarillo, Texas to seven counts of obtaining a controlled substance by fraud and one count of delivery of a simulated controlled substance.  He was sentenced to ten years of probation and fined  $20,000.

On March 30, 2012, he was arrested on burglary, theft and drug charges in his home town of Great Falls, Montana.  Four days later he was arrested again on burglary, theft, and two counts of criminal possession of dangerous drugs.  As part of a plea bargain, he pled guilty to one count of felony burglary and one count of criminal possession of a dangerous drug.

In late April 2012, Texas authorities issued two arrest warrants for him and set his bond at $126,000.

On June 19, 2012, Leaf was sentenced to seven years in custody of the Montana Department of Corrections, with two years suspended if he abided by the conditions imposed. He was to spend the first nine months of his sentence in a lockdown addiction treatment facility.  But on January 17, 2013, Leaf was remanded to Montana State Prison in Deer Lodge after being found guilty of “behavior that violated conditions of his drug treatment placement.”

In May 2014, Leaf was incarcerated at Crossroads Correctional Facility in Shelby, Montana.

On September 9, 2014, a Texas judge sentenced Leaf to five years’ imprisonment, giving credit for time spent in prison in Montana. According to ESPN, Leaf would not see further time in jail, but would also not be released from Montana prison. On December 3, 2014, Leaf was released from prison and placed on parole.

Running Backs:

With O.J., there what he was convicted of, and what we all know he did.  In September 2007, Simpson was arrested in Las Vegas, and charged with felonies including armed robbery and kidnapping. In 2008,  Simpson was found guilty and sentenced up to 33 years in prison, with the possibility of parole in nine years.

But we all know back in 1994, he killed his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and the classic “wrong place at the wrong time” guy, Ron Goldman.  The jury in the criminal trial bought his bullshit, but the civil trial jury didn’t. Simpson had a judgement for wrongful death levied against him for over $30 million.

On August 21, 2005, Phillips was arrested for assault after allegedly driving a car into three teenagers following a dispute during a pick-up football game in Los Angeles.  At the time of his arrest, Phillips was wanted by the San Diego police for a domestic abuse incident in which he allegedly choked a former girlfriend to the point of unconsciousness.  Not to mention, he was also already wanted in Los Angeles on another, separate domestic abuse allegation.

In March 2006, Phillips was ordered to stand trial on felony assault with a deadly weapon charges stemming from the August 2005 incident.  In October of that year, Phillips was found guilty of seven counts of assault with a deadly weapon and was sentenced to 10 years in prison.  Currently, Phillips is under investigation for the March 2015 murder of his cell-mate.

But what is probably the most damning thing about Lawrence Phillips is he is the only person I’ve ever known who Dick Vermiel turned his back on after the Rams were forced to release Phillips after he led the St. Louis police on a high-speed chase in 1999.

Wilson is another case of substance abuse that led to so many other problems. Inarguably, the most notorious instance of Wilson’s instances of  into cocaine usage was on the eve of Super Bowl XXIII, where the Bengals were to play the San Francisco 49ers. Wilson told several teammates that he needed to get his playbook before their last meeting prior to the game. Twenty minutes later, Jim Anderson, Wilson’s position coach, found him in the bathroom, deep in the throes of a cocaine high. The Bengals had no choice but to leave him off the roster. Wilson’s relapse was final offense under the NFL’s drug policy, and he was banned from the league for life. It has been argued that the loss of Wilson may have contributed to the Bengals’ loss to the 49ers.

In the years after his relapse and banishment, Wilson was in and out of rehabilitation on several occasions. In 1999, he was convicted of stealing $130,000 in property from a Beverly Hills, California home to support his habit. He was sentenced to 22 years in a California state prison for burglary.

in 1982, Morris was convicted of felony cocaine trafficking. He was sentenced to twenty years imprisonment, with a mandatory fifteen-year term.  However, in 1986 that conviction was overturned by the Florida Supreme Court.  Morris was granted a new trial, during which he reached a plea bargain resulting in his release from prison after having served three years.

In February 2004, Lewis was charged with conspiring to possess with the intent to distribute cocaine and using a cell phone in the commission of that crime. Lewis agreed to a plea agreement in October 2004 and Lewis was sentenced to four months in federal prison.

Wide Receivers:

In 2001, Carruth was found guilty of conspiring to murder the woman who at the time was carrying his baby. Her plotted to kill her because despite the fact he was making millions of dollars per year, he simply didn’t want to pl;ay child support. He is currently serving 18 to 24 years in prison.

Burress shot himself in the leg in a New York City nightclub with a gun that he did not legally possess when he felt the gun sliding down his sweatpants, tried to grab it, and accidentally pulled the trigger.  Not only should you never wear sweatpants to a nightclub, but you shouldn’t have an illegal handgun in a city with some of the strictest gun laws in this country. Burress agreed to a plea deal that put him in prison for two years as well as two years of supervised release.

Henry was arrested for so many things it was hard to keep them all straight.  But to be fair, as a Bengal of the late 2000’s, he was contractually obligated to commit one crime a month.  Some of those included various traffic offenses, including but not limited to driving with a suspended license and driving under the influence, marijuana possession, contributing to the delinquency of a minor, assault and battery, aggravated assault, and various gun charges. He died in 2009 after falling out of the back of a moving pick-up truck during what was believed to be a domestic violence incident.

Hurd got himself arrested in 2011 on some heavy-duty federal drug trafficking charges. After a lengthy trial, he was sentenced to 15 years in prison.

Tight End:

The newest addition to the team.  In August 2013, Hernandez was indicted by a grand jury for first-degree murder, and was convicted of that charge earlier this month. However, he still faces another trial for double-murder later this year.

Another guy who likes to hit women.

Defense:

Defensive Line:

After a series of petty crimes, Rozier found Yahweh ben Yahweh’s “Temple of Love” cult in 1982. After first serving a six month prison sentence, he moved into the temple full time, and changed his name to “Neariah Israel.” In 1985, he decided to join “The Brotherhood,” Yahweh ben Yahweh’s secret group, that required murdering a “white devil” and returning with a body part as proof to join. Rozier would admit to killing seven white people to please Yahweh. He was arrested and charged with murder on October 31, 1986. After agreeing to testify against Yahweh’s organization, he was sentenced to 22 years in prison. After serving ten years in prison, Rozier was set free in 1996.

Rozier was placed in the witness protection program under the name Robert Ramses. On February 5, 1999, he was arrested for passing a bad check for $66 to pay for a car repair. After finding Rozier’s true identity, police discovered a trail of 29 bounced checks totaling more than $2,000, and charged him with a felony. He was convicted, and under a third strike law, he was sentenced to serve 25 years to life.

After leaving a birthday party in 1998, Little crashed into and killed Susan Gutweiler in St. Louis, Missouri. When tested, his blood alcohol level measured 0.19 percent, and he was sentenced to received four years probation and 1,000 hours of community service.

On January 18, 2003, with charges dating back to 1999, Little was charged with communicating threats and making harassing calls according to the Charlotte-Mecklenburg police department.

On April 24, 2004, he was arrested again for driving while intoxicated.  At the time he had red eyes, smelled of alcohol and failed three roadside sobriety tests. He later admitted drinking alcohol to the police. After being convicted of misdemeanor speeding but acquitted of DWI, Little was sentenced to two years’ probation on May 6, 2005.

Brent pleaded guilty to a charge of driving under the influence on June 2, 2009, as a result of an incident from the previous February. He was sentenced to two years probation and 60 days in jail. He was also fined and ordered to perform 200 hours of community service. But he didn’t learn his lesson.

On December 8, 2012, Brent was charged with intoxication manslaughter in Irving, Texas, after a motor vehicle accident in which he killed his teammate, Jerry Brown. Police documents showed that Brent may have been driving as fast as 134 mph right before crashing on a road where the posted speed limit was 45 mph. Brent later failed a sobriety test and faced 20 years in prison.

He was sent back to jail on June 27, 2013 after it was revealed that he had failed a drug test on June 19. Before this, he had also failed another drug test in late May. On January 24, 2014, Brent was found guilty of intoxication manslaughter in the death of Jerry Brown and sentenced to 180 days in jail and 10 years probation.

Apparently being a giant man named “Tank” wasn’t intimidating enough for him.  The “Tanker” had his house raided where officers discovered he was into violating federal firearms laws.

Manley was sentenced to four years in prison after pleading guilty to two counts of cocaine possession. He was permanently banned from the NFL after failing his 4th drug test in December 1991.

Eller has previously acknowledged personal problems with substance abuse, and he has spoken openly and publicly to groups about the problems of chemical dependency.  This is because Eller was arrested in 2006 for DUI and pled guilty. Eller was arrested again in 2008 for fourth-degree assault of a police officer and second-degree refusal to submit to chemical testing, which are both gross misdemeanors. Eller was sentenced and served 60 days in the county workhouse.

Linebacker:

On July 14, 2011, an Orange County jury found Naposki guilty of first-degree murder in the shooting death of William “Bill” McLaughlin in his Newport Beach home on December 15, 1994. The panel also found true a special circumstance allegation that Naposki committed the murder for financial gain and that he personally discharged a firearm, which would have made him eligible for the death penalty.  That didn’t happen, but he gets to spend the rest of his life inside Corcoran State Prison, also home to infamous killer Charles Manson.

 

Ray Lewis was already a scary man before he was arrested on suspicion of murder. Even if he did eventually plead down to obstruction of justice and never actually served time, in the words of Dubsism reader Jason Hickle: “He may not have killed those people, but he sure as hell knows who did.”

In November 1983, Henderson was arrested for using cocaine with two teenage girls in California. He was also accused of threatening them with a gun and sexually assaulting one of them. He claimed that he gave them drugs in exchange for consensual sex.  It’s pretty sad when that’s your compromise…”I was drugging teen-age girls, but they wanted to get drugged and raped.”

Henderson had no history of assaults or sexual misconduct prior to the 1983 incident. He pleaded no contest to the charges and served eight months in drug rehabilitation as well as 28 months in prison. He states that “Hollywood” died on November 8, 1983, and he has remained clean and sober ever since. On November 8, 2013 Henderson reportedly had been clean and sober for 30 years.

Vilma was arrested for reckless driving and nearly hitting two pedestrians. He also initially refused to get out of his car and almost got into a physical confrontation with the police.  We were all surprised by this as Vilma was one of the rare players to come out of the University of Miami without a record.

Defensive Back:

On January 14, 2003, Goodrich was involved in a hit and run accident that killed two people. On January 15, he was arrested on charges of vehicular manslaughter in relation to the accident. Police believed that Goodrich, driving at an estimated speed of 110 mph, struck and killed two motorists who were trying to rescue a man from a burning car on a North Dallas freeway. Though witnesses claimed Goodrich was going 100 mph, the state’s accident reconstruction expert at trial estimated that Goodrich’s car struck the victims and driver door of the wreckage at a considerably lower speed of 54 mph.  On September 8, 2003 he was convicted on two counts of criminally negligent homicide and sentenced to seven and a half years in prison and fined $20,000.

Darryl Henley, a former starting cornerback for the Los Angeles Rams and an All-American at UCLA, is not eligible for release from federal prison until 2031 for convictions on cocaine trafficking charges. He even pleaded guilty to trying to hire a hitman to murder his sentencing judge and a witness in the drug case.

Since being drafted in the NFL by the Titans Jones has been arrested at least 8 times. His off-field troubles has caused him to miss the whole 2007 NFL season, part of the 2008 season and the whole 2009 season.

Criminal charges against Sharper began being filed in 2014 in Arizona, California, and Louisiana, alleging he is a serial rapist. On January 17, 2014, Sharper was arrested in Los Angeles on two separate counts of sexual assault. The alleged incidents are said to have happened in October 2013 and January 2014. According to USA Today, the New Orleans Police Department indicated that it also was investigating an allegation of sexual assault which was filed September 24, 2013, against Sharper.

On February 14, 2014, Sharper was officially charged with two counts of rape by use of drugs and five related felony counts. Sharper was released on $200,000 bond, which at the request of the prosecution was raised to $1,000,000. Sharper has pleaded not guilty to the charges. Conditions of his bail include not to frequent any establishment that served alcohol as well as not to be alone with any women with whom he has not had a previous relationship prior to October 13, 2013, the date of his first alleged rape.  Sharper faced the possibility up to 30 years in prison if convicted of all counts.

Officials in Orleans Parish, Louisiana, filed two charges of aggravated rape against Sharper on February 27, 2014, related to the alleged September 2013 incident in New Orleans. Investigators said a second woman came forward with a complaint following an initial report shortly after the alleged rape.  On December 12, 2014 an Orleans Parish grand jury indicted Sharper on two counts of aggravated rape; if convicted, he face a potential life sentence. On March 12, 2015, Sharper was charged with an additional sexual assault in Arizona.

On March 20, 2015, Sharper was charged with two sexual assault charges in Las Vegas involving two women in January 2014. Later on the same day, Sharper’s lawyer said that Sharper had reached a plea agreement to resolve all of the charges against him. He appeared in court in Los Angeles on March 23 to enter guilty pleas to sexual assault in Arizona and no contest in California to raping two women he knocked out with a potent sedative mixed with alcohol.[24]

On March 24, 2015, Sharper received a nine-year sentence in a plea deal for all nine charges against him, in addition to the year he has served already. Sharper was sentenced to 20 years in Louisiana in response to the multiple rapes he committed there.  As part of his plea deal when he’s eventually released from prison, Sharper will have to be tracked by California officials with a GPS, have to undergo sex offender treatment, will be prohibited from drinking alcohol or going to bars or liquor stores, be banned from sex shops and Internet dating, have to seek approval before traveling more than 50 miles from his home or spending a night away, and will be forced to take “penile plethysmograph” tests in Arizona, during which a sensor will be attached to his penis to gauge his arousal level as sexual images are shown to him.

Special Teams

Kick Returner:

Meggett was sentenced to 30 years in prison in South Carolina court on charges of criminal sexual conduct and burglary.  Meggett was convicted in a case involving an encounter with a college student at her house in North Charleston in January 2009.

Kicker:

Janikowski was arrested for getting into a bar fight. You know how short guys have Napoleon complexes? I think Janikowski has the kicker complex. He sees himself as a “real” football player; a big, bad man who is not to be messed with. Granted, he is 6’4″ and 260 pounds, but he’s still a kicker.

Punter:

Then there’s the matter of Todd Sauerbrun.  The guy was a roid-head of epic proportions . He punched out the window of a taxi-cab, yanked the driver out of that broken window, and proceeded to beat the shit out of said cab driver.

About J-Dub

What your view of sports would be if you had too many concussions

3 comments on “The NFL “All-Time, All-Locked Up” Team

  1. Jason Hickle
    April 30, 2015

    Thank you for the quote credit. Clearly you do not work for ESPN

    Like

  2. I don’t know, Dub.

    It’s a pretty solid defensive team with a nice run game you’ve built here but your current NFL is a quarterback’s league.

    I’m just not so sure this team could compete.

    Maybe if they put Brady in jail for DeflateGate, I’d consider giving them a chance.

    Like

    • J-Dub
      May 12, 2015

      Actually, we’re waiting to see when Jamies Winston earn his eligibility for this team.

      Like

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