What your view of sports and life would be if you had too many concussions
As a blogger, I’m all for the free creation of content; the blogosphere exist so anybody can say anything they want. Within that freedom, there should be almost no limits. One area where there should be absolutely no boundaries is in the exchange of ideas. The younger crowd likes to call saying controversial things a “hot take.” I’m all for that, but when you do it, you need to be ballsy enough to stand behind what you said.
The other day, SB Nation did just such a thing. They posted a piece they called a “reader submission,” which was a bit disingenuous in and of itself, because the reader was then billboarded as a published writer. Then, they immediately began back-pedaling from it.
Gregory Fox is a former top commenter on the Mother Jones forums, and a sportswriter. He is a fan of sportsmanship and inclusion.
So, why the subterfuge? Because this “reader” submitted a very “hot” take…he wants to do away with the NFL Draft. I will admit, that headline got my attention; I believe the NFL Draft has become a bloated waste of time. I don’t see the attraction in spending an entire weekend watching people read names of a 3×5 card. I find it about as exciting as watching ice melt, but I also know that I’m in the minority amongst sports fans when it comes to that opinion.
Having said that, I am compelled to read the article, hoping there’s somebody who agrees with me about the dreadful nature of the NFL Draft. However, once I got to the following disclaimer, I knew this was going to be the case.
…We let PFT Commenter run a reader submission, which is apparently the thing to do now. This is a hot take from a different side of the isle, from Gregory Fox. This too is SATIRE, with better spelling and plenty of telling. -Ed.
Right away, I know I’m in trouble here. When you have to tell me something is SATIRE up front, that means one of two things:
Well, it only takes two paragraphs to realize this isn’t satire.
…our nation’s preeminent collegiate football talents will gather in downtown Chicago and participate in an event that has become nothing more than a relic of a stone-age caveman mindset: the 2015 NFL Draft. The draft represents everything that’s backwards in today’s hyper-competitive world, and needs to be replaced with a more inclusive, progressive option that matches the values that our society should strive for.
The notion of “drafting” players is problematic for many reasons. Not to jump straight into a history lesson, but you know who else used to separate the stronger, more physically capable young men from the rest and reward them with years of manual labor? Adolf Hitler.
My brain almost ripped itself in half trying to follow this guy on his journey from leftie buzzwords like “inclusive” and “progressive” to a Hitler reference. The best part is he did it in under 50 words. That’s impressive. It is far too impressive for just the average blog-reader…that’s a professional writer at work.
That’s an important point to remember here, because satire from a professional writer shouldn’t require a warning up front telling to expect satire. A professional writer has ways of making sure that pretty much everybody in a junior-college English 101 class can figure that out. The standard exists at that point because if it were any higher, the “satire warning” becomes mandatory. Any lower, and suddenly making fun of Target employees on Saturday Night Live becomes “intelligent humor.”
But more importantly, in today’s politically-correct America, if you are going to bring up Hitler, you better be hitting your “satire” ball down the left side of the fairway, if you know what I mean. If you don’t, the Rachel Maddows of the world will come after you with their long, liberal knives.
Aside from the obvious links to left-wing fascism, the draft seems to exist as only an exhibition in weak-shaming the less talented players, and revisiting trauma on those of us who were bullied into losing games by better teams during youth sports.
Ask any man, there are two smells they never forget: the floral aroma of his mother’s wet-nursing robe and that of his fifth-grade gymnasium. For most observers, the NFL Draft hearkens back to the synthetic, lacquer-coated (likely carcinogenic) floors of my elementary school’s gym class. I recall watching as the more popular, fitter boys and girls were picked first, leaving me odd-man-out with no recourse or kinship. I felt almost as if they were inspecting my gums or measuring my penis to come to the conclusion that I was not fit to represent their idea of a dodge-ball teammate. And when most of us tune into the draft or hear people talk about the draft in such a micro-aggressive way, this is all we can think of.
When we virtually line players up in the order of talent from greatest to weakest, we need to consider the message that sends to those millions of households watching who lack the courage to not have a television. When we drug-shame, and sexual-assault-shame players under the guise of “character issues,” all we’re teaching our children is that it’s not OK to have faults.
Is there a hotter liberal buzz-word now than “bullying?” Is there a better way to evoke sympathy than to take us all back to the “carcinogenic” days of fifth-grade gym class? You know this guy was the kid who got picked last for everything. If they had a “guy you’d pick last” contest, he’d STILL get picked last. Where would you set the over/under on how many times this kid ended up in the school nurse’s office with a dodge-ball inspired bloody nose?
If you’re like me, you always felt sorry for the kid who got that treatment all the time. That’s because very, very few of us get through life without having at least one of those moments in our very own lives. Face it; the best lessons in compassion come from having been down that road ourselves…the best lessons in success often come from failure. You can tell right away this guy doesn’t understand that. The only thing this poor bastard learned from school is how to be a bitter little troll who is going to spend the rest of his life firing bitter little revenge bombs from behind his keyboard.
Just wait…he’s about to give himself away completely.
People forget that the standard perception of physical prowess is as transitive and fleeting as most NFL careers. One simply need recall Michelangelo’s “David,” who, despite his petite portions, narrow shoulders, and more realistic groin, is a more correct symbol of beauty than the over-muscled hulking giant linebackers that roam about the modern NFL. The fact that the modern general manager prefers to judge a player based on a preference for bigger, stronger players shows a real lack of understanding of history. It also explains why the NFL is heading towards extinction because they draft players so big and strong that they injure one another instead of building a communal trust around organized sport as in European football (soccer…sigh).
Obviously, this guy doesn’t know dick about European soccer. If he did, he wouldn’t be saying patently stupid shit like” communal trust around organized sport.” While the Euro-philes love to point out the brutality and racism which permeates American sports, they love to ignore that Europe is neck-deep in exactly the same problems. The reason they do that is because they fawn for the day when soccer will be a big-time sport in this country because they remember the American kid-version of soccer which is where all the American soccer-moms put their kids because they don’t have survival skills for anything because they started coddling them after their first dodgeball-related nosebleed. The Alanis Morrisette-level of irony here is they have no idea that real, top-flight professional soccer is actually a fairly rough game.
So, that’s dead give-away #1…the completely bullshit notion about the gentility of soccer.
In an era where most sports bloggers understand the game and its complexities and nuances more than most players, we must remind the lauded athlete of what is actually best for them. From a young age they are taught that they are better at sports just because they’re more talented than their peers. Grown men posing as scouts fly from town to town to lure them to college with promises of fanfare not promised to other students. Throughout their college careers these children are subjected to strenuous workouts and rude coaches, neither of which is necessary to attract a mate in most phylums of nature. Then they benefit by using their increased physiques to be more desirable to coeds who would otherwise accept a date invitation from a more studious classmate.
I’m a sports blogger who just suffered a roasting from some fellow sports bloggers. What these guys understand about “complexities and nuances” would fit in their asses with ample room for their heads left over. To these guys, “subtle” is firing at the neighbors with a non-automatic weapon. And these are the cream of the sports blog world. The average sports blog is simply an exercise is some yahoo talking shit about every team out there which isn’t his. If this guy is trying to hang his hat in that world…well, that brings us to dead give-away #2. This guy couldn’t even spell sports blog let alone ever having read one. That’s going to matter in a minute.
And then there are the drug tests. I myself have dabbled in drugs. I can recall smoking so much marijuana one time I believe that I passed out. Not my finest moment, but one that has given me more insight into the dynamics of inner-city drug culture than many of my peers.
…And the Academy Award for “I Didn’t Inhale” goes to…this blowhack. You think you passed out? You know when you pass out, dude. It’s when you wake up in a place that you have absolutely no idea how you got there, and it’s even better when that place is jail. Of course, this is just an attempt to make you think he actually understands the plight of the “urban” NFL draftee even though he grew up as the wussiest kid in the Marshmallow White Suburban school district. its’ more likely this guy didn’t discover the dank buds until well into his college years, and even then, I bet this guy never saw a “blunt” in his life.
Of course, this is all emblematic of the larger problems the league has. Most of America cares less about what happens on the field than the biting commentary that our Jon Stewarts and Bill Mahers deliver on a nightly basis. I don’t mean this literally, but it was almost worth it that the Ray Rice incident happened just to hear the eviscerations dealt to Roger Goodell and Co. by our late night champions and moral compasses.
This is all just schadenfreude, pure and simple. The typical pain-in-the-ass American liberal has a hate on for anybody who has it better than they do, so when the NFL was getting beaten up over all the beatings going on within its domestic ranks, well, that’s just pure bitter candy for guys like this.
As a simple alternative to the draft, teams may draw lots to determine which player is added. Then, the player can decide if they are comfortable in joining that roster. The selection process could be open to all those who wish to participate in good faith, and it would take the ugliness out of what has become a modern-day slave trade, not to be hyperbolic. I believe that this is a much fairer way than the draft and a device that is much more consistent with the tenets of our inclusive society.
“Slave trade?” Really? Can you imagine what would have happened if this had been posted on Fox Sports? That’s not satire; that’s just good, old-fashioned racism. This guy literally went from Hitler to the slave trade. What’s next? Concentration Camps? Ethnic cleansing? Hopefully, they’re not reading this in Baltimore today.
Just so we’re clear, NFL players are not by any stretch of the imagination “slaves.” Historically, slaves didn’t get paid, let alone in millions upon million of dollars.
There’s another prime theme of the New American Left in this as well. Did you ever notice when a liberal mentions fairness, it usually means taking something away from somebody? In this case, we are out to destroy the notion that the guy at the top of the draft gets paid the most money.
Ergo, at its best, the televised NFL Draft is hurtful to millions of viewers who only see the event as a reminder of a society that refuses to laud its less fortunate. At its worst, it’s a gluttonous orgy of ableism, and until we change it those of us who are labeled as less-athletic are stuck with sloppy seconds.
OK, that was a nice attempt to save this bit of tripe at the end, but there’s no way that obvious attempt to call this shit “satire” covers up the obvious clues as to what this guy is all about. When they tried to tell me he is a “fan of sportsmanship and inclusion,” they were exactly right, so long as “sportsmanship” is defined as “he alone gets to decide what is right and wrong” and “inclusion” means “except everybody I don’t like.”
It’s pretty obvious there’s no “satire” in this; this is just another example of some asshole who because he got picked on as a kid has decided to be be complete pain-in-the-ass for the rest of his life. The sad part is he could have had me in his corner on when it comes to being tired of the NFL Draft, but by invoking Hitler and the slave trade is a move only done by assholes for the purposes of furthering assholery. But once you read this crap, you realize this guy isn’t even a sports fan; his bullshit reeks of it. He’s just another asshole who wants attention, and he’ll say anything to get it.
Do us all a favor, Gregory Fox. Get over your bitterness, melt your crayons, and never try to write “satire” again.