What your view of sports and life would be if you had too many concussions
By J-Dub and Jason From Indiana
A while back, JFI had a rant about teams with stupid or weird nicknames. In America, there’s a few that immediately spring to mind. But it was J-Dub who took the discussion international. In yet another homage to his psychotic-level sports fandom, he pointed out that the world of British football is chock full of odd team monikers. Obviously, the thought then became to compare the two.
Here’s the fun bit of difference you need to keep in mind as you read this. American teams picked their own nicknames, where as the vast majority of those in England were coined by the opposition, and usually not in a complimentary manner.
10) Weirdly Named British Team: Halesowen Town “Yeltz”
Honestly, nobody really seems to know how this nickname came about, and nobody seems to know what it means. The closest thing we could think of is it’s an homage to former Philadelphia Phillies second basemen Steve Jeltz.
We don’t think that’s very likely.
Weirdly Named American Team: Georgetown Hoyas
Do you know what a “Hoya” is? We didn’t think so. J-Dub thinks it’s the sound you make when you get punched in the stomach, but he drinks a lot.
9) Weirdly Named British Team: Everton “Toffees”
Ever since the 1950s, there has been a tradition at Everton to have a woman in a blue and white dress walk the grounds before each match and toss toffees into the crowd. However, ever since the dawn of time, there have been scantily-clad women outside every stadium everywhere, who for the right amount of money, are willing to “pull your taffy.”
Weirdly Named American Team: Arizona Cardinals
The Arizona state bird is the cactus wren, which makes sense. Arizona is full of cactus. Do you know what is not full of? Cardinals. Of course, they never bothered to change the team name when they moved from St. Louis, where they think that all teams should be named “Cardinals.” Missouri is “Show Me State,” not the “Creativity” state, which would make Arizona the “We’re Too Lazy to Change the Name” State.
8 ) Weirdly Named British Team: Hayes & Yeading United “Mushrooms”
You’re going to notice that several of the nicknames on this list are actually edible. Who knew there would be a football club which is best served sauteéd and garnishing a steak?
Weirdly Named American Team: Utah Jazz
Here’s another example of laziness. The Jazz were originally in New Orleans, which just happens to be known for what? Jazz. But keeping that name when they moved to Utah makes as much sense as Chris Mortensen working at Tires Plus. I guess the Utah Polygamists probably wouldn’t have flown. For all we know, Jazz may actually be illegal in Utah.
7) Weirdly Named British Team: Fleetwood Town “Cod Army”
Obviously, Fleetwood is a seaside fishing town. And just as obviously, nobody has any respect for Fleetwood’s footballers. There’s all kinds of scary things which live in the sea; cod is not amongst them.
Weirdly Named American Team: Buffalo Bills
While I appreciate the play on words, their logo isn’t a Bill. It’s a Buffalo. You’d think “Buffalo” Bill Cody would make an appearance here somewhere. The people at Buffalo Wild Wings should get in on this somehow.
6) Weirdly Named British Team: West Bromwich Albion “Baggies”
Remember when the Chicago White Sox sported a uniform featuring shorts? Well, the Baggies are the White Sox of English football, having picked up the name from a time when they wore long, baggy shorts. Given English teams’ love of sponsors, just like the Buffalo Wild Wings folks, the Ziploc people are missing a huge opportunity here.
Weirdly Named American Team: Los Angeles Lakers
We don’t think about this much because since the Lakers made the move from Minneapolis in 1960. This is a club clearly named for the Land of 10,000 Lakes, and Los Angeles has none. Know what L.A has? An ocean, and a concrete river. Not to mention, just what exactly is a “Laker?” We didn’t know “lake” could be a verb.
5) Weirdly Named British Team: Lancaster “Dolly Blues”
In order to get this one, you have to know what a “Dolly Blue” is. Essentially, it is a n old-school British version of what we in America call a “laundry pod.” You know, those detergent packets that we color like candy and make caustic enough to blind children who come within ten feet of them. Lancaster wears a kit featuring the same color as a “Dolly Blue,” which means they have blinded scores of English children with their awful brand of football.
Weirdly Named American Team: Indianapolis Colts
In keeping with the theme of laziness, the Colts moved to Indianapolis from Baltimore in 1984, which is a fact most Colts would never know, since it wasn’t printed on the paper place mats at Stake N’ Shake. The name “Colts” worked in Baltimore because of the many horse racing tracks in the area. Indiana is about auto-racing. The “Horsepower” would have been the easiest tweak, but Hoosiers simply aren’t that clever. The Indianapolis Mayflowers also would have been more appropriate. We”ll wait while you Google that reference.
4) Weirdly Named British Team: Morecambe “Shrimps”
Pretty much the same theme as Fleetwood Town. Nobody fears a mascot designed to be served with cocktail sauce and melted butter.
Weirdly Named American Team: Fort Wayne Tin Caps
This team was known as the Wizards when JFI used to watch them play. A Single-A baseball team which was affiliated with the San Diego Padres, they changed the name to the Tin Caps in 2009 when they opened a new downtown ballpark. “Tin Cap” refers to John Chapman, better known as “Johnny Appleseed,” who thanks to the 1948 Walt Disney movie is depicted wearing a cooking pot as a hat. How fucking stupid is that? The real “Johnny Appleseed” is buried in Fort Wayne, right next to any semblance of respect anybody ever had for Indiana.
3) Weirdly Named British Team: Ipswich Town “Tractor Boys”
The best way to describe this is with a gross oversimplification. If London is England’s answer to New York City, then Ipswich is England’s version of Pixley, the town from “Green Acres.” It’s the kind of place where you can see a guy walking around with one bare foot, and if you ask him if he lost a shoe, he’ll say “No. I found one.”
Weirdly Named American Team: Modesto Nuts
This is what happens when you leave things up to fan voting. A “re-name the team” contest was held in 2005 and “Nuts” gathered 52% of the vote. We can only presume this is in honor of central California’s agricultural roots, not a shot at the residents of the local state hospital.
2) Weirdly Named British Team: Middlebrough “Smoggies”
If England had a version of Cleveland, it would be Middlesbrough. It says a lot when the town’s side is named after the toxic cloud of industrial pollution from it’s plethora of steel mills and chemical plants surrounding the town.
Weirdly Named American Team: Orlando Solar Bears
There is no such thing as a solar bear, but it works because there should be no such thing a hockey in Florida. Besides, polar bears aren’t cute and cuddly. They’re vicious apex predators, which is an admirable quality for a mascot. But hockey in Florida makes as much sense as a Nazi rabbi.
1) Weirdly Named British Team: Hartlepool United “Monkey Hangers”
Hartlepool is a seaport town in t the Northeast of England. It’s inhabitants aren’t very bright. It’s kind of like an English “Mini-Me” of Boston. In colonial Massachusetts, they did really slim-brained stuff like burning people at the stake because they were “witches.” 200 years later during the Napoleonic Wars, the fair citizens of Hartlepool strung up a monkey because they believed it to be a French spy. They should have known that the average monkey is far smarter than any Frenchman.
Weirdly Named American Team: Lehigh Valley Iron Pigs
There’s a lot wrong with this. If you didn’t know (and judging by their ticket sales, you don’t) The Iron Pigs are the Triple-A affiliate of the Philadelphia Phillies. That means these are guys who aren’t good enough to play for the worst team in Major League Baseball. Now, it would be easy to assume the “Pig” thing refers the talent level of these guys, but that would be both cruel and incorrect. It’s actually a reference to pig iron which is used in the manufacturing of steel. It just so happens that the Lehigh Valley is home to several major steel mills.
That fact is brought to light in the old Billy Joel song Allentown. It may very well be the most depressing song this side of “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald,” but that’s because Allentown is a depressing place. That’s also why when somebody tells you they are from “Lehigh Valley,” that’s their way of not telling you they live in Allentown.
After all, it’s a town now best know as the place where Darryl Dawkins died.
What The Dubsists Thought…