What your view of sports and life would be if you had too many concussions
We’ve all seen those “Behind the Scenes” documentaries about classic movies, and we’ve all seen the part in those stories where they tell us people who were originally considered for certain roles. Those things force you to think about how fucking funny it would have been to have Charlton Heston, the king of cinematic cheese, cast as Chief Brody in “Jaws.” How about Walter “Morris Buttermaker” Matthau as Obi-Wan Kenobi?
Don’t laugh…both of those almost happened.
That’s why we thought about our own list of hilarious character replacements, except with sports figures because after all…this is a sports blog.
Curt Schilling as “Archie Bunker” from “All in the Family”
Our only hope for this show is it would be on a premium cable channel, so that he could speak completely uncensored. Seriously, who can’t picture Schilling in uncensored moments dishing out heavy-duty insults, like referring to son-in-law Mike “the Meathead” Stivic as “that Polish cocksucker who knocked up my daughter,” his wife’s cousin Maude as “a degenerate cunt-lapping feminist,” and his black neighbor George Jefferson as “Harold Reynolds.”
Ronda Rousey as “Marge Gunderson” from “Fargo”
Marge Gunderson is the Coen Brothers’ female homage to Sheriff Andy Taylor, but as discussed in our bit about Fictional Cops and Hockey Enforcers, we contend the real reason why there was no crime in Mayberry is because Taylor was secretly a sadistic bad-ass of the first order who the mere mention of his name caused criminals to lose their bladder control faster than Joe Theismann after a six-pack. Well, why not bring that characteristic front and center with Rousey. Who knows, maybe all those people would still be alive if she had been dispensing justice in the form of arm bars and choke holds up there in Brainerd, Minnesota.
John Clayton as “C3PO “; Tim Kurkjian as “R2D2” from Star Wars
It only seemed natural to pair ESPN football “insider” John Clayton with their baseball guy Tim Kurkjian for a couple of reasons. First, if somebody raided the World Wide Bottom Feeder looking for stuff they could sell to the Sand People, these two might be the only ones they could get anything for, unless Banthas need a diet high in scotch-infused fat and hair paint, in which case they will be renting a U-Haul to cart out Chris Berman. Also, don’t tell me Clayton doesn’t make a perfect worry-wart mincing queer to couple with Kurkjian’s two-foot wastebasket which only communicates in indecipherable high-pitched squawks and bleeps.
Gary Bettman as “Jack Tripper” from “Three’s Company”
Rather than being a struggling chef, picture the character of Jack Tripper as the NHL commissioner living in a beach-side apartment in the sex-dripping Southern California 1970’s with two smoking-hot chicks. Instead of spending 640% of his off-work time playing “pick an orifice” with one or both of those wet-dream launchers (yes, I was going through puberty when this show was popular…and yes, I may have named my hands “Janet” and “Chrissy,” but that’s another story), he’s pretending to be gay because he’s afraid of the landlord.
Think about that for a moment. Here’s a guy giving a Michigan-style punt to a shot at one the biggest male sexual fantasies of all time because he was worried about either Mr. Roper (a middle-aged guy who would have done ANYTHING if you told him you’d get rid of that Rose Bowl float in a housecoat he was married to), or Mr. Furley (who was a geriatric who would have given every one of his polyester scarves just to watch what Jack wanted to do to Janet and Chrissy). This was the beginning of the pussification of America.
Can there possibly be a better analogy for a commissioner who fucked away parts of least three seasons because he couldn’t handle a marshmallow like Mitt Romney?
Rex Ryan as “Captain Kirk” from “Star Trek”
The first thing Captain Sexy Rexy would do is convince you Star Fleet is better than it really is by gorilla-stomping the Klingons, then would come crashing back to earth by getting butt-housed by the Tribbles. He would also name a “red shirt” as his quarterback, then bawl about injuries when that guy gets melted by a Romulan death ray. There’s also a cameo for his brother Rob as “Scotty,” who is screaming “The shipp canna-take-a no morrrrrrrrrre-a!” as the Enterprise is bombarded by what at first seems to be an asteroid field, but actually turns out to be giant, intergalactic penalty flags thrown by Hochuli, Lord of the Zebrons. We can even work in the Ryan brother’s dad Buddy as the cantankerous Dr. McCoy, who says things like “Damnit Rex, I’m a doctor, not a …Wait, I’m not a doctor either. What the hell am I? Ahhhh, fuck it…gimme another scotch.”
Gregg Popovich as “Judge Wapner” from the original “People’s Court”
Sure, this is an old-school reference, but “Pops” is an old-school guy. He also has a Wapner-ian level of disdain for bullshit, which is why he would be awesome behind’s television’s oldest psuedo-bench. Picture Popovich resplendent in his gown, being simultaneously bored and annoyed by somebody’s line of bullshit until he hits the last note for the proverbial jack-in-the-box moment, at which point he blasts “I’ve heard enough of this crap! Judgement in favor of the plaintiff!” Then he breaks his gavel, storms out of the room mumbling obscenities to himself, and heads off to pound drinks with Buddy Ryan.
Roger Goodell as “Ward Cleaver” from “Leave it to Beaver”
You know that somewhere in the mind housed under that ginger forest of soulless delusion, there’s a mind which has a section where Tom Brady is little more than an “Eddie Haskell”-type irritant, Robert Kraft is just Lumpy Rutherford, and all sex with Mrs. Cleaver only occurs Saturday night at 10 p.m. in the dark and only in the missionary position. Of course, this is pure “Jimmy Buffett”-level escapism from the real world where Tom Brady treats Goodell like the “Gimp” treated Marcellus Wallace in “Pulp Fiction” and Robert Kraft is doing it doggy-style with Mrs. Cleaver because “Red Rog” couldn’t get it up with a crane made of Viagra and hi-res pictures of Kate Upton’s tits.
Ray Lewis as “Michael Myers” from “Halloween”
We were actually required to make a “Halloween” reference in this sports blog, as many people don’t realize the sheriff in the original movie is played by the same actor who played the general manger of the Cleveland Indians in the baseball classic “Major League.” Feel free to insert your own “which job would be scarier joke” here.
Speaking of jokes, you’ll notice we didn’t lead with the obvious “Ray Lewis killed those two people” line, if for no other reason than that joke is older than Vin Scully’s mike stand, and we are holding out hope that when he goes all “Michael Myers,” he does it at ESPN headquarters and he takes requests for people to kill.
Rob Gronkowski as “Herman” from “The Munsters”
“Gronk” wastes no time at all in transforming the nerdy, television rip-off of Frankenstein into “Herm After Dark.” By the third episode, Herm is doing shit like partying all night at the Playboy mansion, slamming guys with folding chairs on Mexican TV wrestling, and even shows up in a main-stream porno where he tries to hide his identity with his newly-acquired Mexican wrestling mask; the bolts sticking out from his mask not being the only dead give-away as to who he really is (if you know what I mean, and I think you do).
Tom Brady as “Rick” from the “The Walking Dead”
Going from one Patriot to another, at the beginning, Rick was easily a sixth-round draft pick in the zombie apocalypse. But when he had to be, Rick became a first-order bad-ass. He did so while dealing with seriously messed-up shit like watching his kid waste his own mother so she didn’t give birth to a zombie baby. That’s why Rick wouldn’t give a flying fuck about the air pressure in a football, but it’s also why Brady would have a Winnebago full of supermodels he kept impregnated in between rounds of killing hordes of the undead. After all, somebody’s got to revitalize the human race.
What The Dubsists Thought…