What your view of sports and life would be if you had too many concussions
You might ask what does a guy like me watch when I’m not watching sports? I watch a lot of movies, which is exactly why it struck me there are movie characters who resemble the coaches on my list. Let’s look at my casting call for this week.
1) Chip Kelly ↔
I look at Chip Kelly and see Ned Beatty in Deliverance. Is Kelly going to squeal like a pig when he gets booted out of Philadelphia? After that performance by the Eagles on Thanksgiving, it would sure seem likely. Some people questioned my moving Chip from honorable mention to #1 with a bullet last week. Philadelphia has seen back-to-back 40+ point blow-outs, and heading to a pissed-off Tom Brady at home in New England gives the Eagles slightly worse odds than the Christians facing the real lions in the Roman Coliseum.
Don’t clinch up, Chip.
2) Jeff Fisher ↔
Fisher has resorted to telling the press to “kiss his ass” when questioned about his team’s effort. That’s a problem. While I am the last person to question a team’s “effort,” it’s pretty clear there’s more “checking out” in St. Louis than at a Ramada Inn at 11 a.m. on New Year’s Day. Fisher’s “specialty” is supposedly defense, and right now the Rams are giving it up faster than a fat cheerleader on prom night.
That’s why Fisher reminds me of “Lawrence” from”Office Space,” because now he’s easily made a million dollars and can legitimately say “I fucked two franchises in my time. man.”
3) Mike Pettine ↑ 2
I’ve softened my stance on Pettine, but he’s still moves up in this week’s rankings. Why? It’s not just because I still think he’s going to be fired; it’s because axing coaches is just what the Browns do. Since returning to Cleveland in 1999, the Browns have had seven head coaches plus one interim. Do the math on that. That means a Browns’ coach lasts about 2 years.
Guess who’s in his second year?
To be fair, this is more of a reflection on the clown show in the front office than Pettine. I don’t know if he can coach or not. How could I? The front office continues to whiff on draft picks despite always…ALWAYS having a top 5 pick. Then, they give the coach no time to put anything together. That’s a gourmet-level recipe for chronic suck.
That’s how you build a culture that finds ways to lose. Last week I pointed out only the Browns would knock the starting quarterback out of a game only to have a possible Hall-Of-Famer in Ben Roethlisberger be the backup, who promptly steps across the sideline and skins the Browns for 300 passing yards. In this example of “Only The Browns,” they have some guy who was probably seasonal help at Home Depot last week lead a last-minute drive to tie the game and go to overtime only to have the potential game winning field goal blocked and run back for a touchdown.
Of course it’s a field goal. The cartoon that is the Cleveland Browns lends itself to Pettine being Charlie Brown in our new, live action Peanuts special. We’ll call it “You’re Getting Fired, Charlie Brown.”
4) Tom Coughlin *NEW*
A bad loss to the Redskins coupled with another pathetic performance by the Eagles and Cowboys might just drive a stake through the Giants’ play-off hopes.
Or maybe not.
The NFC East is like the sack race at a company picnic after everybody’s drained at least a six-pack. Either everybody is too drunk to win, or it’s like the episode of the Simpsons where Homer tackles Bart so Mr. Burns can win.
Here’s the thing. In order for the Giants not to miss the play-offs for a 4th straight year, somebody may need to play “Homer” to Coughlin’s “Mr. Burns.” Without that kind of help, he may need to “retire” so the Giants don’t have to fire a two-time Super Bowl winner. Even in so-called retirement, you have to believe that Coughlin will be just like Mr. Burns after he sold the power plant to the Germans and nobody gave a shit who he was anymore.
5) Chuck Pagano ↓ 1
I know, Pagano is winning with a back-up quarterback in Matt Hasselbeck who’s as old as the people he has dinner with at Denny’s at 4:30 every afternoon. There’s are voices out there saying Pagano can still survive this, but these are the same Indianapolis-media pointy-heads who think the Colts should cut loose Andrew Luck because they think the future in is a 67-year-old Hasselbeck who has to wear those piss-drip pads under his jock.
The end of the season Indian-no-place is going to be like the “Baptism” scene at the end of “The Godfather.” Jimmy “The Mad Tweeter” Irsay is going to settle all the family business in one day. You can pick however you see Pa-gone-o getting it; Clemenza gives it to to him in an elevator with a shotgun, he gets pinned in a revolving door and popped with pistol, or there’s always the “Moe Green Eyeball Special.” It really doesn’t matter, because at the end of the day, you can totally the Chuck-ster saying Irsay and saying “Could you get me off the hook for old times sake?”
“Not this time, Chuckie.”
So as the credits roll on this edition of the Coach’s Death Watch, the quality of the football this league produces has been atrocious, and these coaches are a big part of why that is. Clock management, play calling, lack of discipline…you name it. These guys had better update their resumes, get some new head shots and pay up their Screen Actors’ Guild dues because the end is near.
-You can follow JFI on Twitter @jbhickle