Dubsism

What your view of sports and life would be if you had too many concussions

Trash-Talking the 2016 Sweet Sixteen

Now that  my brackets are so much smoldering wreckage, and now that my teams are out, it is time for a big dose of what the original purpose of this blog was: a  home for my profanity-filled tirades.  And since I didn’t pick any of these fucking teams to win, guess what is about to happen here? Another installment in a march tradition here at Dubsism; telling you the ugly truths about the teams which are left.

Duke:

Oh, Duke, how do I hate thee; let me count the ways. I’ve written so much shit about Duke that writing about them again is like putting gas in the tank of a car I’ve already wrecked.  So, I’ll keep this simple; the two biggest reasons why Duke sucks.

  • Mike Krzyzewski himself. I get that he is a disciple of Bobby Knight, but there is a major difference. It is one thing to be an asshole; it is an entirely another thing to spend thirty-five years hiding you are an asshole.
  • Duke pretends it is a great place to send your sheltered, privileged kids all while it is located in an exceptionally dangerous neighborhood.

Gonzaga

What can you say about a Catholic school named for Jesuit Saint Aloysius Gonzaga, and yet fills its halls primarily with those weird-ass Mormons?  Not to mention, if there’s a pecking order for Catholic schools, you know Gonzaga finishes well-behind the wanna-be Jews at Notre Dame and the green-barf factory known as Boston College.

Indiana & Notre Dame

I’m lumping these two schools together because they represent one of the truly shitty states in all of America.  Seriously, you could call Indiana “North Kentucky” and not confuse any of it’s native population of eleven-toed mouth-breathers.

Thanks to the movie “Hoosiers,” Larry Fucking Bird, and these two conveyor-belts to assholery, everybody thinks any little piss-ant school from Indiana means something when it comes to basketball. Let’s do a rundown of the D-I basketball schools from Hoosierland and you tell me which ones matter.

  • Butler – A private, liberal arts college which is best-known for its dance program. This means there are two types of Butler students: meth heads whose daddies have too much money for Indiana State, and Daddy’s Little Fruitcup who will spend four years auditioning for “So You Think You Can Dance?”
  • Indiana – The school that brought you both the burly,  masculine assholery of Bobby Knight and the sheer once-a-month-crampy bitchiness of Myles Brand.  Once a proud program, but hasn’t won a National Championship since Nancy Reagan was still touching up Ronnie’s gray hairs with a Magic Marker.
  • Purdue – Neil Armstrong, the first man to walk on the moon, was a Purdue alum. This shows how far people will go to get the fuck out of West Lafayette.
  • Notre Dame – A great school with a great tradition, especially if you want to be gang-raped by drunken football players or sent careening to your death off a 70-foot scissor lift. If you happen to get gang-raped while falling off a scissor-lift, you will be honored by having your name etched on one of the mosaic tiles that forms “Touchdown Jesus'” ball-sac.
  • Indiana State – Located in beautiful Terre Haute, ISU competes for local talent along with two prisons and a mental institution. This is precisely why if you want to major in schizophrenia, meth production, or pumping out bastard children, ISU is for you.
  • Ball State – Too easy…Insert your own joke here. Better make sure those jokes are funny, because this walk-in VD clinic school has produced such comedy titans as Jim Davis, Joyce DeWitt, and David Letterman (who was funny once, but not since the Civil War).
  • Evansville – Another small liberal arts college; this one is known for its physical therapy and theater departments. So, when the therapist who is helping you after your stroke insists on putting his thumb in your ass, chances are he went to Evansville.
  • Valparaiso – Not even people who live in Valparaiso can tell you where the hell the campus is, and they sure as hell can’t tell you why it even exists.

To see the sheer stupidity these two schools produce, all you have to do is look at the world of broadcast sports.  Representing Notre Dame, the Catholic school which has no problems admitting those Jesus-killing Jews as long as as the tuition and donation checks have enough zeroes on them, you have Mike “Couldn’t Find His Dick With Both Hands” Golic and Hannah “Free Clinic” Storm.  Then there’s Indiana, where basketball coaches get fired for being basketball coaches, yet date-rape is still a varsity sport, you have Joe “Thanks Dad” Buck and Sage The Talking Toilet Brush” Steele. If these two schools meet in the regional final, expect sales of hog jowls and possum in Indiana to sky-rocket.

Iowa State:

Iowans really don’t get enough credit for the vital role they serve.  Based on their location, they separate two of the weirdest cultures in the Midwest in Minnesota and Missouri.  If it weren’t the barrier provided by Iowa, we could have millions of offspring from the melding of the cultures which brought us “Huck Finn” and “Fargo.”  That’s why I give Iowans a pass on the fact they live 80 years behind the rest of America (that includes Nebraska…let that sink in for a minute…) and make sex toys out of corn cobs.

Kansas:

grinds my gears kansas jayhawks

I used to have nothing good to say about Kansas until I read that one of their state legislators actually proposed controlling the illegal immigrant population in the same manner they use for feral hogs; picking them off with rifles from helicopters. Once you get past the monstrous racism in that comment, you are struck with the realization that even its crushing stupidity, this represents a “man landing on the moon” advance in Kansan-type thinking. The only thing that is funnier is the people who think this guy gives Kansans a bad name; like they didn’t already have one.

Oh, and I’m pretty sure Bill Self molests collies.

Maryland

I’m still not used to Maryland being in the B1G Ten, but there’s no denying that it’s inclusion means that the oldest conference in college sports can include three of the worst urban shit-holes in America in it’s territory with Chicago, Detroit, and now Washington, D.C.

Miami (FL)

The ACC should be fucking embarrassed that a low-rent school like this represents it. Yeah, I know the ACC got essentially it’s entire conference into this tournament, but with all the blather they spew about what  “hallowed” basketball institutions the other members like Duke and North Carolina are, it has the unmitigated gall to subject us to the likes of the Hurricanes. What can you say about that institution which can’t be summed up in “Najeh Davenport shitting in a clothes hamper.”

North Carolina:

Once again, I will quote the good people at Deadspin since I can’t improve on the accuracy of their assessment.

No school has benefited more from having an archrival who happens to be even more haughty and douchetastic. I’m onto you, Tarheels. You think just because you hate Duke that you can sneak by without anyone hating your fucking guts. But you are WRONG. But the truth is that, if Duke didn’t exist, YOU would be Duke. You’d be the most hated program in the country, what with your gross sense of entitlement and Dickie V lapping up Roy Williams’ seminal fluid like it’s cereal milk. You people owe Duke a steak dinner for covering up so much of what makes you despicable.

FACT: Every three seconds, a person in the North Carolina wilderness is being raped. I drove through the state once, and you see the forests on the side of the road and you just know, twenty feet in, someone has a penis inside them that they don’t want inside them. North Carolina is also the only state where it’s legal to rape someone and fish at the same time.

Oklahoma:

First of all, what the fuck does “Boomer Sooner” even mean?  I know the “Sooner” part because I paid attention in history class.  “Sooners” were cheating scumbags who broke the rules to steal  other’s people’s land claims.  But the other part makes no sense.  Does it mean Oklahomans are big fans of David “Boomer Wells or George “Boomer” Scott?  Or is this a weird reference to the day 20 years ago a couple of jag-offs used a 5,000-pound piss-and-fertilizer bomb to turn the Oklahoma City federal building into a model of my bracket?  It doesn’t really matter since Oklahoma is really just Texas’ version of Canada.

Oregon:

oregon logo

Thanks to the old game “Oregon Trail,” the only thing anybody every remembers about Oregon is that it’s the place to be if you want to die of dysentery.  If anybody ever really dug into what Oregon is really all about, they would discover that even the communists and homosexuals who run California think Oregonians are a bit over the top.  While we spent all that time spent all that time worrying about what the Confederate flag represented, we completely forgot that some of the most racist and xenophobic laws ever to get put on the books in this country happened in Oregon.

That’s the real beauty of Oregon.  Now that it is the home of modern American lefite-statist horseshit, it is a never-ending series of contradictions., such as it exercise in revisionist history so they don’t have to admit racially-based tragedies like the Vanport Flood of 1948.  That’s how Oregonians don’t have to admit their socialist utopia in Portland is really just a phony”Mayberry” facade with all the high prices, high taxes, and high crime typical of “Big City” liberalism.

Syracuse:

Despite the fact Syracuse is languished in some snow-bound hellhole which might as well be in Canada, the Orange are a program led by a  a nose-picking rules violator with a historically terrible sense of style.  It may also be one of the dirtiest programs in all of college sports.  The best accounting of this comes from a Georgetown fan (keep that in mind as you read) called  “Crimes and Misdemeanors.”  The bottom line is Syracuse has a long list of players, coaches, and staff who broke the rules in a vast array of ways, ranging from assaults, to theft, to academic fraud.

Texas A&M:

texas am sucks

That meme sums up the exact problem A & M has.  Beating them never tells you anything about your own team because there’s no telling if they are any good or not.   A win over Texas A&M is like making a lonely girl come; you have no idea if it’s your own sexual prowess or the fact she’d nut at a well-aimed breeze.   And that’s just for football.  It’s even worse for basketball because nobody gives a shit about hoops in the Lone Star state.  The moral of the story: if you have a daughter who is as dreadfully ugly as you are, sending her to A&M is your only hope of having grandchildren.

Villanova:

There are five Division I basketball schools in Philadelphia, and Villanova is easily the most hated. Just mention Villanova to the average Philadelphia basketball fan, and regardless of the year, you will get a predictable litany of cheesesteak-shit about how the Wildcats will get bounced early from the  tournament, why they don’t deserve whatever seed they got,  how head coach Jay Wright is a douchebag, et cetera, ad nauseum

Now, when you press these fans on why they believe it generally comes down the usual “working class hero” bilge about a private school full of rich kids.  Anybody who went to any school other than the ‘Nova will always eventually take their anti-Wildcat argument to the fact that Villanova students are generally wealthier than the students and alumni from the city’s other schools.

Now, right now, everybody in the City of Brotherly love is calling “bullshit” because any anti-rich kid school argument should obviously be leveled at those little at trust-fund teat-suckers at Ivy League Penn. Normally that would be correct, but in this case there’s one small fact which precludes that.  Quaker basketball is not now, nor has it ever been relevant.

That’s the real rub here.  Villanova represents that dreaded combination of affluence and success.  Think about it.  Everybody who loves Philadelphia “Big 5” basketball and isn’t a Villanova fan has a reason to hate that school in Radnor whose name just means “New House” en Italia.

Temple fans hate Villanova because Jay Wright has had more success in 13 years than John Chaney had in 24 at Temple.  Chaney was a crusty character; somewhat reminiscent of the grandfather we all had who at family gatherings in between telling the most racist jokes you ever heard would tell tell stories about the Depression and Work War II and call you a “pussy” because you weren’t there.  Call that what you will, that made him an honorary grandfather for an entire city.

Then there’s Phil Martelli at St. Joseph’s.  Face it, Phil looks more like a guy selling cheesesteaks than a basketball coach, but despite all his success with the Hawks, St. Joe’s hasn’t had a #1 seed since that Jameer Nelson team of about a decade ago.  Die-hard Hawks fans will point out that team undefeated regular season.

LaSalle has been an “also-ran” with the exception of their National Championship in 1954.

But, Villanova got to play the real-life role of “Rocky” when they beat #1 Georgetown as a#8 underdog in 1985. Not to mention, don’t tell me Rollie Massimino didn’t look a bit like Uncle Pauly from that movie.  Having said that, that still doesn’t mean they aren’t a bunch of privileged frat-boys who get loaded on spiked energy drinks and put their thumbs in each other’s butts.

Virginia:

I’ll be honest, it did my heart good to see Virginia doing well in basketball ever since the whack-job killed all those people a few years back. I can’t imagine what it takes to rebound from that kind of tragedy. Wait, what? That was Virginia TECH?

Wrong one…you’re thinking of Virginia TECH.

 

Well, shit.

Fuck Virginia; they’ve got the faggiest-looking mascot since the original Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

Wisconsin:

wisconsin quarter

Do you know why Wisconsin is home to so many  great serial killers? Because somehow Wisconsinites have taken two great things like sports and booze and managed to completely fuck them up. As far as the University of Wisconsin is concerned, the sport they really are the best at is hockey, which is why they play every other sport like the are on the ice. Badger football is like an old-school NHL game; they get a big offensive line and just beat you into the boards for sixty minutes, Bucky hoop is like watching that adapted version of floor hockey they let the retarded kids play; lots of passes so bad they look like shots, and shots so bad they look like passes.

About J-Dub

What your view of sports would be if you had too many concussions

3 comments on “Trash-Talking the 2016 Sweet Sixteen

  1. SportsChump
    March 23, 2016

    Good thing we here in the Tampa Bay area don’t judge our old school mascots by their sexual proclivities.

    Like

    • J-Dub
      March 23, 2016

      Yeah, you have the Cream-sicle Buccaneer for that.

      Like

  2. jbsptfn
    March 23, 2016

    Wisconsin is good at hockey, and the state loves it, but yet they don’t have an NHL team, and Phoenix does. Oooohhhkkaaayyyy. Thank you, Dollar Bill Wirtz and Gary Bettman.

    Like

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