Signs We Are Near The End Of Civilization: Draymond Green Offered BIG Green To Make A Porno
So, we all know what happened earlier this week with Draymond Green apparently accidentally gifting the world with something intended only for somebody currently special in his life. Yeah, that’s a nice way of saying he sent us all a “dick pic” on Snapchat.
Now, I admit I’m an old guy and I totally don’t understand this. You’ve got to remember I grew up in a world with rotary-dial hard-line phones which were either bolted to the wall or on a six-foot cord; there were hardly “mobile.” Even if you could get on in your pants, you had to have a tiny dick (even for a white guy) to fit it in one of those finger holes, and if you pulled that off, that finger-stopper hook at “0” would cut up your dick like one of those deli salami slicers.
“Long distance to Buffalo – Please deposit one foreskin.” If you are under 40, you have no shot at getting that joke.
Some guys my age think this is all the fault of social media. That’s horseshit, but you have to comprehend why they believe it. To make a long story short, there was no social media in our day, and casual “hooking up” simply wasn’t done. That isn’t to mean we didn’t fuck like bunnies; that’s how all you dumb-ass “Millenials” got here. We just had a completely different means of going about it.
Here comes the part where the feminists are going to write me hate mail, because God forbid anybody admits women like fucking just as much as men do.
See, in my day, chicks had to pretend they didn’t want it, all while they were with you at the drive-in movie with you in the push-up bra and a short skirt for a reason. But, it was impolite to just make a “Charge of the Cock Brigade” toward the “promised land.” If you were going to score, it simply wasn’t enough to trot confidentially around the bases knowing she was grooving the pitch for you; you still had to at least show you “would still respect her in the morning.” There was a style to it.
To me, the “dick pic” world has no such style. If you can send somebody a “dick pic” and not end up being sent to Guantanamo in a world where every college campus is manned by an ex-KGB “politcal-correctness-cop” named “Ivana Cutyourcockoff,” there’s no need for style. You won. Electronic trouser snakes for all.
Feel free to tell me I’m wrong, but it seems to me the “dick pic” is simply’s today’s version of “running out of gas” in your town’s version of “Make-Out Point.” That’s why I don’t get the uproar over this…the man is simply trying to get his rocket polished, which just so happens to be the instinct necessary for the survival of the species. Face it, all you crabby old guys or dumb-ass “Millenials”…be it 1954 or 1994, if your father hadn’t pulled off his era’s version of the “dick pic,” you wouldn’t even be here.
Now, having said all that, lost in all the bluster is that we’ve learned that Draymond Green must be…well, how shall we say this…gifted? It’s one thing to Snapchat your dong to the world; it’s something else entirely when somebody whose job it is to recognize dong talent thinks your wang is worth money…real money.
In other words, it seems out a well-known adult-film producer offered Draymond Green $100,000 to star in a porno. From TMZ:
Vivid Entertainment honcho Steve Hirsch fired off a letter to DG saying he saw the dong selfie Green accidentally posted on Snapchat over the weekend … and believes it’s the perfect centerpiece for a new celeb sex tape.
“Here’s the deal: We will give you $100k to star in a porn called ‘Drayzilla,’” Hirsch wrote.
“You call all the shots. You pick your co-stars and set up the scene however you want.”
We all know what they say about black guys, let alone one who is 6’7″. But there’s some dead-giveaways here that Green is…shall we say gifted?
Could it really be THAT big?
First, if a major porn producer is willing to give you six-figures, it’s a safe bet you’ve got more than six inches.
Secondly, did you notice Green got creative control in this proposal? There’s big names in Hollywood who get paid millions per film that can’t get that sort of control. And yes, I’m saying big is the key word here.
Lastly, did you notice the proposed title? Nobody, and I mean NOBODY ever hooked the tag “-Zilla” on something small.
Now, I have no idea if he will do it or not, but if he does, I’m guessing he’ll do what he always does…dribble before he shoots.
P.S. Just in case you are one of those “Millenials” who doesn’t get the “Milton Berle” reference in the tease…
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Potential film names for Draymond’s first project: “The Green Mile” “It’s Easy Being Green” and “Whorriers”
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You also could go “old school:”
– Behind the GREEN Door
– Draymond Does Dallas
The jokes just write themselves…
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