Why Let Rio Have All The Fun? Have Your Own Office Olympics!
As we are fond of saying here at Dubsism, unless you live under a rock in a cave on the dark side of the moon which only gets service from Comcast, you know the 31st Olympiad is underway in Rio de Janiero. But what you don’t know is that we here at Dubsism have been searching for ways to let you, the average blog-reader, have a means to enjoy the spirit of top-flight competition.
Naturally, this presented us with a few challenges. Most importantly, we sure as shit weren’t looking to get ourselves sued by some moulyak who tried pole-vaulting over his garage or some other ridiculous bullshit. Not to mention, the average Dubsist doesn’t own his home, he lives in his parent’s basement or in some shitty one-bedroom apartment; and in either case, buys his clothes from the on-line fat guy stores because he lives on Little Caesar’s and microwave burritos.
But delivery pizza and those 200-ounce fountain drinks aren’t free, which is how we know that even the most pathetic Dubsist at least has a job. That’s why we decided to create a series of events any fat, athletically-challenged slob can do at their office jobs. Do you know how we know the average Dubsist has an office job? When the last time you saw a 350-pound roofer who can tell you Ted Williams’ lifetime batting stats? The defense rests.
Having bloviated all that, here’s our list of Cube-Olympic events you can set up in your very own office. Enjoy, but remember, don’t blame us if you get fired.
Rubber Banding – All contestants must use the same kind of rubber bands.
- Finger Archery – Place a “Bulls-eye” style target on a cube wall. All contestant shoot from a distance of 12 feet. Highest total score wins.
- Distance Shooting – Self-Explanatory. Greatest distance form the launching point wins.
- Band Horseshoes – Object of game is to shoot a rubber band over a spindle from 10 feet away. Each contestant shoots ten rubber bands. Most over the spindle wins, If nobody makes it, closest wins. Ties broken by a finger-archery contest.
Swivel Chair Racing – All contestants must remain fully-seated at all times. Contestants propel chair with feet while seated and facing forward.
- Straight Sprint – Easy enough…shortest time over a 20-foot takes the gold.
- Marathon – Contestants race over a course of 100 feet.
- Slalom – Racers must maneuver around a series of cones in the shortest time. Knocking over any cones or cube walls results in a disqualification.
Paper Airplaning
- Distance – Again, self-explanatory. Greatest distance from the launching point wins.
- Accuracy – Object is to sail a paper airplane into a recycling bin from 50 feet. If nobody makes it into the bin, closest to it wins. If more than one makes it in, ties broken by a distance contest using the same airplanes used in this event.
Trash-ket Ball
This is more than just shooting a balled-up piece of paper into a wastebasket. This more like an office version of “Horse.” All shot are taken from a swivel chair, and making the shots more difficult is how you win. For example canning a ten-foot shot while rolling after a full revolution is a great way to win. Just like “Horse,” first one to miss five shots loses.
Paper Football
The old-school classic is perfect fit for the Office Olympics. If you don’t know how to play paper football, well…you’ve led a sad life.
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At the pub, we thought about incorporating drinking into some sort of event until one of our bartenders reminded us that another bar he ran attempted something of the sort that ended up with a lot of vomit.
Maybe we’ll shoot for 2018.
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