Guest Column: Sigmund Freud Analyzes Dreams From Your Favorite Sports Figures
Editor’s Note: We here at Dubsism are pleased to announce a new addition to our stable of guest columnists. Dr. Sigmund Freud, the world-famous 19th-century Austrian neurologist and the father of modern psychoanalysis, which in turn became a clinical method for treating psychopathology by developing therapeutic techniques such as the use of free association and by discovering transference and establishing its central role in the analytic process. That’s a lot of big-buck words to say that Freud is here to offer his insights on some of the crazy stuff we live through as sports fans.
I know this is a sports blog, and I’m a 19th century psychoanalyst, but my work with the interpretation of dreams has long been renowned for shedding light on the connection between the conscious and the sub-conscious. Dreams are not meaningless, nor are they as some would say “absurd.”
In fact, my analysis of dreams as wish-fulfillment provides models for the clinical analysis of symptom formation and the underlying mechanisms of repression. This is how I elaborated this theory of the unconscious and developed the psychic structure of the Id, the Ego, and the Super-Ego. From there, I postulated the existence of libido and the death drive, which combine the source of compulsive repetition, hate, aggression. and neurotic guilt.
In other words, dreams are a melding of the conscious and the subconcious; that of which we are aware, and that which we don’t realize our psyches have absorbed. This happens to everybody, but like my countryman Friedrich Nietzche once said, nobody cares. However, there’s almost no purer example to find all of those things in play than in the world of sports. Plus, when you make the discussion about sports celebrities, you can get a quasi-ethical blogger like J-Dub to publish notes from some people you may know who have consulted me.
1) Los Angeles Dodger broadcasting legend Vin Scully
Dear Dr. Freud,
Ever since I announced this would be my last season calling Dodger baseball, I keep having this dream where somebody flies in through my bedroom window and warns me not to retire. Sometimes, it’s Bear Bryant, and sometimes it’s Joe Paterno. I’m very confused as I have this dream two or three times a week.
Dear Vin,
I can understand your confusion as usually in dreams, somebody flying in through a bedroom window indicates a sexual attraction. But in your case, it is more like a “Ghost of Christmas Past” issue. I don’t usually like to use Charles Dickens as a reference because there’s almost nobody more screwed up than the Victorian-era English, but it’s the only thing that really fits here. Subconsciously, you noticed that both Bear Bryant and Joe Paterno died about fifteen minutes after they found themselves in retirement. So, when you seem them coming in through your window, you are expressing a deep-seeded fear of having the same happen to you.
2) ESPN baseball analyst Jessica Mendoza
Dear Dr. Freud,
I’m not sure if you are a sports fan or not, but in case you didn’t know, I’ve recently become an analyst for a major sports network’s coverage of major league baseball. Now, I’m having a recurring dream in which I’m back graduating from high school, and instead of walking across the stage to get my diploma, I’m riding a tricycle.
Dear Jessica,
One thing you may not know about Hell is it has varying housing options. I actually live in what closely resembles a college dorm suite, with shared common areas like a kitchen, TV room, and such. My suite-mates and I, Friedrich Nietzsche and Walt Disney, are quite familiar with your world since the cable package in Hell only offers the Home Shopping Channel, the Oprah Winfrey Network, and ESPN. I guess that’s why they call it Hell.
Anyway, both Nietzsche and I are Austrians, so we know nothing about baseball, and all Disney does is get falling-down drunk and yell about how they filled up his empire with “all those fucking Jews.” Frankly, I think that’s why they stuck him with us Austrians, but that’s for another time. The strange part which matters here is even though he’s a raving anti-Semite, Wally Disney is in total agreement with our next-door neighbor Howard Cosell. He’s always ranting about “idiot jocks who have no business in broadcasting.” Sadly, I died before professional sports on television existed, so I had Cosell explain what he meant.
From my understanding, it is a common practice to employ former athletes to offer commentary on sports, which actually makes sense to me. But what doesn’t makes sense is having those former athletes commenting on sports they didn’t play. Despite my lack of knowledge of baseball, even I can tell it isn’t softball.
Jessica, having dreams about being back in high school represents your subconscious knowledge of that fact. You know playing college softball has almost as much to do with major league baseball as it does with cricket. Since you know you lack the insights on major league baseball that somebody who played it would have, you are expressing a wish to return to a place where you acquired knowledge. The tricycle likely represents the fact that lacking this insight to do your job gives you a feeling of returning to an infantile state.
3) Florida State head football coach Jimbo Fisher
Dear Dr. Freud,
Why do I always have a dream that I’m in a car with Hilary Clinton, and we are getting chased by the cops?
Dear Jimbo,
You just reminded me that we also get those Music Choice channels on our cable package. Man, I love that stuff from the 1990’s because the shit from my era is like listening to cats fuck. Remember the Gin Blossoms? I thought they rocked.
Anyway, the first piece of advice I would give you is get a name not usually reserved for teenager with bad haircuts and truck drivers. Let’s be honest, at Florida State acting in the spirit of Bobby Bowden, you’ve covered up more criminal activity than the Genco Pura Olive Oil Company. You also know that puts you and Clinton as kindred spirits. Go buy a pant-suit which resembles a couch-sized oven mitt and own the reputation you’ve created for yourself.
4) Chicago Cubs manager Joe Maddon
Dear Dr. Freud,
This started about the All-Star break. I keep having this dream I’m trying to get into a movie I really want to see, but I never seem to have enough money to get in. What’s that all about?
Dear Joe,
This one is actually pretty simple. If you become the first manager to win a World Series with the Cubs since the fall of the Ottoman Empire, you will become the biggest legend in Cubs folklore since Harry Caray. They’ll put some silly cartoon caricature of you right next to Caray’s, you’ll get some middle-of-the-road beef-and-booze joint somewhere near The Loop, and you’ll end up in a bunch of shitty commercials dressed as one of the Blues Brothers. But if you don’t win in the next few years, you become another in a long line of guys who got fired for doing something which hasn’t happened since I was still alive. The inability to get into the movies symbolizes your fear of failure. It’s that simple.
5) Buffalo Bills defensive coordinator Rob Ryan
Dear Dr. Freud,
Lately, I keep dreaming I’m “Mr. Creosote” from Monty Python. Is there something wrong with me?
Dear Rob,
There’s nothing wrong with you other than you are grotesquely fat. I’ve seen a shirtless picture of you. It makes me glad I died before every Mediterranean resort island was filled with German guys who look like abdominal landslides with a Speedo flossing their ass cheeks. You should really try cocaine; it did wonders for Friedrich and myself.
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