What your view of sports and life would be if you had too many concussions
The first weekend of the NCAA Basketball Tournament is behind us, which means so many brackets out there look like a 75-car pile-up on the 405. That Los Angeles reference brings us right back to my favorite 40-year old Los Angeles-based television cheese-tacular “Emergency!” Regular readers of this blog know that every year at this time, we send out our favorite Jack Webb-produced first responders to deal with the catastrophe which is many of your tournament picks. In that same spirit of morbid curiosity which makes us all rubber-neck at car accidents, we at Dubsism are here to provide transcripts of some the more gruesome bracket rescues by Squad 51’s Firefighter/Paramedics John Gage and Roy Desoto, Engine 51’s Captain Hank Stanley, Engineer Mike Stoker, Firefighters Chet Kelly and Marco Lopez…and the staff at Rampart General Hospital, Nurse Dixie McCall, Dr. Joe Early, and their ringleader, Dr. Kelly Brackett.
By showing you some transcripts of actual bracket rescues, we hope to inform the college basketball tournament-bracket-filling public of how to avoid some of the most common bracket-life-threatening situations. In other words, this isn’t just a series of flat-lining jokes about a show you don’t even remember, this is a goddamn public service.
Roy DeSoto: Rampart, this is Squad 51.
Dr. Brackett: Go ahead, 51.
Roy DeSoto: Rampart, we have a victim with a severely dislocated leg. His foot is actually in his mouth.
Dr. Brackett: 10-4, 51. What are the vitals?
John Gage: Hey Roy, tell Rampart this bracket has a pulse of 120, respirations 24, is extremely pale and diaphoretic, and is mumbling incoherently about SMU.
Roy DeSoto: Rampart, victim’s pulse is 120, respirations 24, and is extremely pale and diaphoretic. Also, victim is mumbling incoherently about SMU.
Dr. Brackett: 51, is the victim saying anything along the lines of “I should have known better?”
Roy DeSoto: Uhhh, hard to tell with the foot in his mouth, but I’d say yes. Also keeps mentioning the name “Larry Brown.”
Dr. Brackett: 10-4, 51. The foot in mouth and the mumbling are sure signs of Larry Brown Dystopia. We see a couple of cases of this every year a Larry Brown-coached team gets into the tournament. What’s throwing me off here is Larry Brown walked out on SMU last year. Is the victim wearing a Kansas Jayhwks t-shirt?
Roy DeSoto: Affirmative, Rampart. A 1988 National Champion version.
Dr. Brackett: Roger that. 51, be advised your victim is either delusional or retarded…it’s hard to tell with Kansas fans. Start an IV with D5W, immobilize that leg with a splint, and transport as soon as possible.
Captain Stanley: L.A., This is Engine 51. We have two brackets involved in a head-on collision. One has 6 ACC teams in the Sweet Sixteen, the other has two SEC teams in the Final Four.
L.A. Dispatch: 10-4, Engine 51. Are there casualties?
Captain Stanley: L.A., we can’t even tell the bodies from the wreckage at this point.
L.A.Dispatch: Engine 51, we are sending a full first alarm response.
Captain Stanley: And a big supply of body bags, L.A.
John Gage: Rampart, This is Squad 51.
Dr. Brackett: Go ahead, 51.
John Gage: Rampart, we have what looks like an attempted suicide.
Dr. Brackett: What makes you say that, 51?
John Gage: Victim is wearing a Duke T-shirt, and has a note with every ACC team knocked out of the tournament crossed-off.
Dr. Brackett: I see.Does victim show any other signs of being a Duke fan?
John Gage: 10-4, Rampart. This room might as well be a Duke museum.
Dr. Brackett: 51, edit the victim’s bracket to remove all traces of the ACC except North Carolina, transport, and we’ll set up a psychiatric consult.
John Gage: 10-4, Rampart.
Pete Malloy: Hey, Doc.
Dr. Brackett: What’s up, Pete.
Pete Malloy: I understand you have Notre Dame here.
Dr. Brackett: Yeah, they sure took a beating from West Virginia. Are you here for a criminal assault case? The Irish got beat pretty bad.
Pete Malloy: It’s a criminal case alright. I’m afraid I’ve got an arrest warrant for Notre Dame.
Dr. Brackett: Huh? They’re the ones who got their butts kicked.
Pete Malloy: Conspiracy to commit fraud. The D.A. dropped some heavyweight felpony charges y’ve been pretending to be a contender for years and the D.A. has finally had enough.