Why You Shouldn’t Cheer For Super Bowl Parties

Usually at this time of year, it has been a tradition at Dubsism to offer you, the blog-reading public, a solid set of reasons why you should put your support behind either of the contestants in the upcoming Super Bowl.

Later in 2019, Dubsism will celebrate a full decade of it’s unique brand of blogging non-sense. In that time, we’ve had to write about the fucking New England Patriots five times. Frankly, we’re out of shitty things to say about that team; in fact last year’s rendition was our “greatest hits” bit.

As far as the Los Angeles Rams are concerned, J-Dub didn’t give a pile of sheep shit about them when he lived in Southern California, and he certainly doesn’t now. Face it, the Cleveland Los Angeles Anaheim St. Louis Los Angeles (again) Rams are the most relocated franchise in the history of the NFL. That makes them the perfect transient team for a city with a transient population. You can round up any 10 Los Angelinos at random and you’ll find out 14 of them weren’t born there. That’s why Los Angeles is one of the shittiest sports towns in America because nobody has any roots with any of that city’s teams…except for J-Dub, who still wears his Wilt Chamberlain Lakers socks in the hopes they will allow him to “score” like “The Stilt” did.

Yeah, fat fucking chance.

Anyway, What it all comes down to is we’re all to sick to death of the Patriots, and the Rams have no real fans. Combine that with J-Dub’s generally waning interest in the NFL, and the decision was made to take this years’ installment of “Why You Shouldn’t Cheer For” in a completely different direction.

As Americans, despite all of our varying levels of interest in the National Football League, in the immortal words of our own Boyd Bergquist, Super Bowl Sunday is the one day that even people who don’t give a damn about football watch football. Christmas is when we gather with families, but Super Bowl Sunday is when we gather with friends. and co-workers.

That means two things…Super Bowl parties and the kind of people you will have to deal with at such events.

In all honesty, the first rule of Super Bowl parties is don’t go to Super Bowl parties.  Super Bowl parties are the absolute worst; there’s nothing more godawful than trying to watch football in a room full of people who don’t know shit about it. But we’ve all been forced into them for various reasons. So, if you must, here’s a few general rules:

1) Don’t Get Drunk:  Getting shit-faced at the open bar at your company’s Christmas party is risky, yet acceptable. Hitting the highball on Super Sunday and pissing in the vegetable crisper of your wife’s best friend is going to redefine the term “problematic.”

2) Know Your Group: There’s only two types of people at a Super Bowl party; the people who care about the game, and the people who only want to see the commercials and the half-time show. Know which one is yours, and stay in your lane. These groups are fundamentally different, eternally divided, and never the twain shall meet. Don’t even try. You are not a missionary in the jungles of New Guinea; you’re at a Super Bowl Party. Don’t try to convert anybody.

3) No “Hook-Ups:”  This might be the single-biggest mistake people make. Unlike the office parties, Super Bowl gatherings are usually held in people’s homes, and everybody there has some sort of connection to the hosts. That means no matter what happens, somebody in that room is going to know your business.

Another problem is this offers a great opportunity to double-down on the complications of office flings. Try out this all-too-common scenario. Your buddy from work invites you to his Super Bowl party, during which you meet the best friend of your buddy’s wife, who just so happens to have the most amazing set of boobs you’ve ever seen. You make your move, you hit paydirt, but the relationship proves to be little more than a one-nighter.  “Boobs girl” then proceeds to tell your buddy’s wife what an asshole you are, she commences to bust his balls incessantly about it, which at work you can tell is putting a chill on your friendship.  Not to mention, every time you get invited to a gathering at their house, “Boobs girl” is going to be there.  How’s that for “awkward?”

That’s why my advice is to eschew the Super Bowl party in general. You can’t get drunk and fuck the big-titted girl, so why bother?

However, if you can’t avoid the Super Bowl party, and even if you follow those three simple rules, you still another pitfall whose avoidance is mandatory. Simply put, there are several types of people you will find at a Super Party you will want to kill. You must avoid this at all costs; breaking somebody’s’ neck during the halftime show is infinitely more awkward than anything fucking the big-titted girl will bring.

1) The person who keeps making it a point to tell you they hate sports, but enjoys the “social community of the virtual holiday” the Super Bowl has become

We all know this one. It is usually the woman who wears knee-length skirts with dark tights and combat boots, has far too many piercings, and somehow during the course of the day works in a rant about “American indulgent consumerism.” If they aren’t a woman, they usually are some long-haired, petchouli-smelling dickbreath who yells at anybody who doesn’t toss their beer can in the recycle bin he carries in his Prius. In either case, they usually are a co-worker of the wife of the guy hosting the party, and she had some sort of situation where they could not be “not invited.”

2) The person who knows absolutely nothing about football, but tries to pretend they do

Here’s another stereotype which offers two gender-based options. The male version is usually somebody’s shit-for-brains brother-in-law who thinks just because he played linebacker in junior high and now is nearing offensive tackle-weight he is qualified to offer an opinion on every single football related topic offered during that insufferable month-long pre-game show. The female version is almost always that woman who has no friends and is desperate to fit in anywhere, so she watches a little ESPN First Take and thinks she can talk at length about what a great free-throw shooter Tim Tebow is.

3) The overly-neurotic cook

Usually seen at the “pot-luck” type gathering, this person has such a compulsive need for acceptance, they bug the shit out of everybody in the room with some drivel along the lines “I hope the bean dip was OK; I thought maybe I put to much cilantro in it.” Whenever I end up at a party with one of these people, I sneak off somewhere, drink two cans of Spaghettio’s and fill a coffee cup with some of that “emergency-make-you-barf-juice” they use on overdose victims. Then I wait for Captain Neurotic to approach me with their whine over a quarter-teaspoon of what-the-hell ever; then I take a big-ass hit off that coffee cup.

Try it some time…the reactions are priceless. Hint: It’s best to stay on non-carpeted floors when you pull this.

4) The person who just went through a break-up

Honestly, this person can screw up any social gathering, but in this case it is usually men who are the worst offenders. Raise your hand if you got to see a guy have a Super Bowl party meltdown because the” ex” who dumped his ass made a comment one time about how “Tom Brady is cute.”

There it is, sports fans…you’ve been warned.

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