Picking The World Cup Champion – Following “The Food Rule”
This Sunday, the largest non-single day sporting even in the world not called the Olympics hits it’s peak. The World Cup final will draw about eleventy bazillion viewers, worldwide, and if you didn’t join the Dubsism World Cup Challenge, you might be one of the millions of Americans who still want to throw a bet on ateam even if you don’t know anything about international soccer. Fret not, quasi-interested American, we here at Dubsism have your betting back.
At the outset of this year’s World Cup, we gave you a primer on all 32 contesting countries based on their culture. But if you didn’t get into our challenge, you may not have seen that. But there almost nothing more indicative a a country’s culture than it’s food. That why for Sunday’s final tilt featuring France and Croatia, we are here to give you yet another helping hand because as an American, you think Hamburger Helper is haute cuisine.
France
What We Originally Said:
Here’s all you really need to know about France. At some point in history, every one of their neighbors has declared war on them. This is because they are a nation full of pompous pains-in-the-ass who eat snails, slugs, and cheese that smells like feet.
Seriously, what do you expect from a bunch of lowlifes who force their own children to drink wine? The French drown any competitive spirit in their children by ensuring they are drunk eighteen hours per day. This is why the French suck at everything, and why they haven’t won a war in at least 200 years. Even their language makes them sound like bunch of complete pussies.
It also says a lot about France that every other malcontent who can’t get along in a decent country runs off to Paris because the French are so “cosmopolitan.” Sure, if by “cosmopolitan” you mean that they take filthy pictures of each other with cheap cameras, wash absolutely no parts of their bodies, and treat anyone who is not just like them with monstrous contempt. So, if you are a degenerate sleazebag who waits tables and has a superiority complex, you are either French or want to be.
As For French Food:
Like I said, they eat cheese that smells like feet. That’s the good stuff. Low-rent French cheese smells like Michael Moore’s taint after you locked him in a hot car for an hour. And according to Whoopi Goldberg, it doesn’t taste nearly as good.
The French have spent half a millennium trying to avoid the civilizing influences of their Roman conquerors. This means rather than to embrace the roots of western civilization, the French would rather hark back to the days when they were upright troglodytes even whom the Celts ridiculed. Think about it. The very same people whom Roman Emperor Hadrian walled off in Europe’s ghettos of today’s Scotland and Ireland laughed at the Gallic French because they squatted in caves and ate blood for lunch.
Even now, while the French managed to embrace wine-making and modern cooking techniques, they fucked it all up by using only the slimiest mollusks and amphibians as meat and becoming even more ardent followers of the dark and barbarous Roman Catholic church than the Italians.
Croatia
What We Originally Said:
The death of Marshal Tito in 1980 started a chain of events which led to the break-up of Yugoslavia. This resulted in the creation of a bunch of small nations all about the size of South Carolina geographically, but are even more backward than the Palmetto State Even the mongoloid Russians think these little countries are filled with a bunch of dipshits.
In this case, the Croatians are an outdated group of Euro-trash whose raison d’etre has already been accomplished. The entire point of identifying as Croatian was to help get a Croatian state established. Well, that happened almost 30 years ago, and it created confusion as to where it is specifically since the majority of the worlds Croatians actually live in the greater Chicago area.
In any event, these neo-Polacks rank slightly behind drunken suburban teenagers in terms of their competitive capabilities. Even during their own war of independence, they barely progressed beyond tossing cherry bombs into trash cans. People in Chicago have a running joke that it takes eleven Croatians to shoot out a light bulb; one to pull the trigger and ten to call the media and blame it on the Serbs.
As For Croatian Food:
If you are a “foodie,” such culinary luminaries as Andrew Zimmern and the dear-departed Anthony Bourdain sang the praises of the home of the Dalmatian Coast; the jewel of the Adriatic. Both love to tell me how Croatia is a “poor man’s Italy” when it comes to the world of gastronomy.
The problem is for the average American, the concept of “Italian Food” has already been made about as “poor man” as it gets with “Chef Boy-Ar-Crap-In A-Can” and gut chain-rapes like Olive Garden. This begs the question…if Croatia is a food country to be considered in the same breath with Italy, then why does their team dress like they work at Bob’s Big Boy?
In any event, we’re taking Bob’s Big Boy over Michael Moore’s crotch-cheese. Not only that, we’re Americans, which means we can’t support the French for anything.
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