What your view of sports and life would be if you had too many concussions
It’s oldest tradition we have here at Dubsism…every January since this blog was created, we have given an award for achievements during the previous year in some under-recognized categories in the world of sports. In prior years, the nominations for the awards were done exclusively by an internal committee, but we’ve had so much success allowing nominations from the general public that we had no choice but to continue that.
Between our committee and our valued readers, we had more quality nominations than we could ever possibly use. We received a comfortable five-figure number of nominations, and believe it or not, we read every goddamn one of them. That number of nominations means somebody out there is reading this blog, and thank you so much for that.
More detailed information on last year’s winners can be found here.
With that, and after careful consideration, here are the winners of the Tenth Annual Dubsy awards.
The Mickey Klutts Award for Unfortunate Naming
Previous Co-Winners: Kobe Buffalomeat, Offensive Tackle, Illinois State University, and Easton Stick, Quarterback, North Dakota State University
We can only hope that “Semen” doesn’t mean the same thing in Russia as it does in English, because we simply can’t imagine going through junior high school with a name synonymous with spooge. Meanwhile, what are the odds that a 20-something college hoopster never heard the 50-year old song stylings of his namesake?
Here’s hoping this helps.
The Bobby Knight Award for Achievements in Dramatic Public Meltdowns
Previous Winner: Teddy Atlas, ESPN Boxing Analyst
Since I really can’t do better than what was sent to me nominating Serena Williams for this award, here it is:
I’ve been a tennis fan my whole life, and if Serena Williams doesn’t win your award for public meltdowns, your award has no merit. I’m depending on Dubsism and its’ staunch “anti-Woke” stances to shine a light on this bitch. Twenty years ago when the Williams’ sisters broke on the scene, it was their fucking father who was screaming “racism” every time something didn’t go their way. Serena certainly carried on that banner, but as usual, the sports media has been giving her a pass all this time. This was just a public example nobody could cover-up. As long as I’ve watching tennis, it’s been my opinion she’s a petulant cunt, and now she showed her true colors…
There’s three more paragraphs to the original nomination, but the thought of publishing them had the boys over at the Dubsism legal department guzzling Maalox by the quart. But there was no way we could leave out Tennis the Menace’s last line.
…And one last thing. Could you media assholes quit trying to tell how “beautiful” Serena Williams is? I guess she is if your thing is a floppy-tit, fat-butt version of Ray Lewis with more arm hair.”
In his nominations, Tennis the Menace said we would never publish that last line. Not only are we doing so, but his way with words earned him the rare honor of submitting both winning nominations in a single category.
However, one doesn’t really need words to show this prime example of “petulant cunt-ism” displayed by Frenchman (of course) Benoit Paire. After losing a crucial game by falling on his ass, Paire smashed one racket, got off his ass and walked over to the bench and wrecked another, and then created general havoc. Then, he refused to play Baghdatis’ match point serve, proving he’s a typical French twat.
When you watch that video, keep your eye on the “towel guy.” If there was an award for “guy just trying to do his job,” he would get it.
Previous Winner: Cosmo the Cougar, Brigham Young University
Let’s be honest. There’s really no denying that during Loyola-Chicago’s “Cinderella” run during last March’s NCAA Basketball Tournament that Sister Jean became far more than the team’s chaplain; she became America’s most favorite mascot since the San Diego Chicken.
She also managed to do that without any buffoonery. That was supplied by the idiot sideline reporters who seemed shocked that a woman in her 90s could still be lucid and know more about basketball than 50 of those microphone-wielding blow-dries combined.
But for sheer bufoonery, we really have no choice but to honorably mention Colorado’s Chip the Buffalo, who tried to blow off his own Rocky Mountain oysters with a t-shirt cannon.
The Budd Dwyer Award for Excellence in Career Suicide
Previous Winner: Former high school football coach Jim Sharkey
The ratings have spoken, and that’s precisely why ESPN exiled race-bating piece-of-shit extraordinaire Jemele Hill from SportsCenter to a website that gets less readers than this one. To be fair, Hill is just the face of ESPN’s collective “Jonestown” impression; the Kool-Aid has been flowing in Bristol for quite some time; that’s the mentality that can’t understand why nobody watches a network which slanders it’s own audience.
Meanwhile, former Washington Nationals’ reliever Shawn Kelley discovered why behavior that isn’t tolerated in Little League is still a bad idea in the bigs. After gave up a completely meaningless ninth-inning home run in a game in which the Nationals had a 23-run lead, he slammed his glove into the mound and death-stared his own manager. The next day, the Nationals designated him for assignment.
The Ed Hochuli Award for the Best Call
Previous Winner: The University of North Dakota
You can say what you will about Ryan Fitzpatrick as a signal-caller, he made the call of the year when he showed up at a post-game presser dressed as MMA rock-star Conor MacGregor. Speaking of “rock stars,” there’s no way we could not mention this guy from the Baltimore Ravens Marching Band playing PERFECT air drums to Rush’s “Tom Sawyer.”
The Jason Sehorn Award for Being Completely Overrated
Previous Winner: Joe Flacco, quarterback, Baltimore Ravens
I suppose, every Hall of Fame needs it’s “Joe Namath;” the person who is in because their celebrity rather than their talent. We all know Namath is in the Football Hall of Fame more for wearing panty-hose on television and guaranteeing a Super Bowl win than anything he ever did on the field, and now Ronda Rousey is getting into the MMA Hall of Fame for being little more than the sport’s biggest celebrity. Rousey rose to prominence by beating the shit out of soccer moms, then the first time she took on a “real” fighter, she got her shrub kicked up to the roof of her mouth and promptly retired.
While he can still make a hell of shampoo commercial, on the gridiron Clay Matthews has been largely living off a reputation built years ago. Don’t get me wrong, he’s still a reasonably decent linebacker, but he’s still getting treated like the dominant player of yesteryear, despite the fact he’s rumored to be near the end of his days with Green Bay, either through his impending free agency or retirement. The bottom line is he’s 32 years old, the injuries are starting to add up, and he hasn’t had a season with a double-digit sack total since 2014.
The Clinton-Nixon Award for Cover-Up Futility
Previous Winner: The National Football League
We’ve all had a day where we didn’t feel like going to work; it was just better for everybody for you to sound sick for 30 seconds while calling your boss than it was trying to endure eight hours at the office without strangling somebody. It just so happens that Ballybrack FC collectively had a day like that. But it’s pretty hard for a soccer team to call in sick, so they faked the death of one of their players.
A lower-level Irish soccer team apologized Tuesday for faking the death of one of its players in an apparent attempt to avoid an upcoming game.
According to Raidió Teilifís Éireann, a public broadcasting service in Ireland, Ballybrack FC falsely told officials with the Leinster Senior Football League that one of its players had died in a “traffic accident” on Thursday night. The league subsequently postponed Ballybrack’s game on Saturday and held a moment of silence for the player at all of its other games over the weekend.
Then the league discovered that the player, Fernando LaFuente, was in fact alive.
My favorite part of this story: nobody bothered to tell the “dead” guy he was supposed to be dead, which meant the whole time he was “no longer with us,” he was actually playing video games on-line.
But when we talk about bad cover-ups, we have to talk about that thing on Karl Ravech’s head. That toupee is almost criminal.
The Charles O. Finley Award for Achievements in Cheap
Previous Winner: The University of Tennessee
As far as the
Oakland Los Angeles Oakland soon to be Las Vegas Raiders are concerned, I understand they spent eleventy bajillion dollars for “Chucky” Gruden, but since then they fired general manager Reggie McKenzie, traded away Khalil Mack and Amari Cooper, and through other moves they’ve amassed almost $70 million under the cap for 2019. Now, all signs point to them spending this money given they have so many holes to fill and a hoard of draft picks, but you can go to a Wal-Mart on the day after Christmas and see all kinds of bad decisions being funded with a plethora of gift cards.
It certainly seems like something similar might be happening in Seattle. The Mariners have the longest play-off drought in Major League Baseball, and they had a promising start to 2018, but then things went sideways, and the “fire sale” was on. Since then, a slew of guys got tickets out of Seattle, including pitchers James Paxton, Alex Colome, Edwin Diaz, James Pazos, and Juan Nicasio, catcher Mike Zunino, second baseman Robinson Cano, and shortstop Jean Segura. With the exceptions of taking on “bad” contracts from the Mets in Jay Bruce and Anthony Swarzak in order to get our from under Cano’s gargantuan deal, these were all deals designed to shed payroll and acquire young talent.
But in either case, as the song says, “Only Time Will Tell.”
The Joe Kapp Award for Being Run Out of Town
Previous Winner: Greg Schiano
To make a long story short, Casey lost his job because he couldn’t do something nobody else could; beat the LeBron James-led Cleveland Cavaliers in the NBA play-offs. But Casey probably ends up better-off in the long run as Toronto may be the most dysfunctional franchise in the NBA this side of the Atlanta Hawks.
Molitor’s problem in Minnesota is the fact that the Twins and their fans always have expectations that outstrip reality. When the Twins made a surprise run the the American League Wild Card in 2017, the thought became the Twins were now a perennial play-off contender. That wasn’t the case and Molitor got run out of town for a net difference of seven less wins in 2018.
The Bobby Layne Award for Best Performance While Drunk
Previous Winner: Baker Mayfield, former quarterback, University of Oklahoma (now a member of the Cleveland Browns)
One of the great things about Kentucky is it’s mellifluous manna known as bourbon. I’m a big fan, so much so that I completely understand how too much of it can lead to doing some really stupid shit. Our winner just found that out.
A Georgetown man was arrested after police say he mounted a horse at Churchill Downs and tried to ride out onto the track during Saturday’s Breeders’ Cup racing.
Kentucky State Police said in an arrest citation that Michael Wells-Rody, 24, “was manifestly under the influence of alcoholic beverages” when he “snuck into a restricted area he was not authorized to be in” and took off on a horse.
Thanks to the level of gentility in Kentucky, this guy just got arrested, unlike the guy who tho tried to climb onto a Philadelphia police horse during the Eagles’ Super Bowl parade and wound up with some dents in his brain courtesy of a weighted flashlight.
When it comes to our honorable mention, is anybody really surprised that a Russian guy spent three solid months legally intoxicated after he won his first Stanley Cup, especially since he used it as a giant beer stein?
The Artis Gilmore Award for Achievements in Hair Boldness
Previous Winner: Mike Gundy, head football coach, Oklahoma State University
How can you not love a ginger, handle-bar lip-sweater? But what really gives us hope for a bright hair-related future is what Juan Salazar might add in terms of facial hair to that awesome Spain-fro once he hits puberty.
The Kyle Orton Award for Achievements in Partying
Previous Winner: Odell Beckham, Jr., Wide Receiver, New York Giants
“Big Al” was kind of a big “Delia” when he turned his Warholian “15 Minutes” into ten days in August at the Little League World Series. Combined with Todd Frazier, who was there to celebrate the 20th anniversary of Toms River, New Jersey winning the Little League World Series, these two guys from the Garden State became kings of the Keystone State. We’re pretty sure they did all that partying with no booze…at least we have no evidence to the contrary, even though “Big Al” looks like he’s going to know his way around a scotch in the future.
The same can’t be said for U.S. Olympic Curling gold Medalist Matt Hamilton. From the day they hung that medal around his neck, Hamilton went on his own Ovechkin-like bit of rink-based revelry. Hamilton lived the dream, complete with hanging out with his football hero Aaron Rodgers, using his gold medal as a ball marker during a Pro-Am golf tournament, wining and dining Hollywood moguls to make a curling movie, all while downing enough libations to float a moderately-sized naval vessel.
The Vasily Alexseyev Award for Plus-Sized Achievement
Previous Winner: Wayne Shaw, Goalkeeper, Sutton United
This marks the third straight category in which the Little League World Series gets a nod, which shouldn’t surprise anybody as this is rapidly becoming one of the premier sporting events this country has to offer. What should be surprising is that we are now getting players in something called “Little League” are tipping the scales in the neighborhood of two-and-a-half bills.
The upside to all this is those big Little Leaguers grow up to hit walk-off dingers like Jace Chamberlin.
The Jamie Moyer Award for Excellence in Geriatrics
Previous Winner: Tom Brady, Quarterback, New England Patriots
If you don’t know what being in your 50s is like, it is an exercise in waking up in the morning and discover new places on your body which hurt. That includes guys like me who man a desk for a living. Just imagine what it would be like if you spent all day bouncing around on the back of an 1100-pound horse running at full speed. Even thinking about it makes me feel like I need a full body cast, yet Mike Smith did it at the age of 52 to the level of winning horse racing’s Triple Crown.
It’s hard enough playing any sport at a world-class level, but doing so over the age of 40 is beyond rare; that’s why there are so few professional athletes still competing in their fifth decade. But’s exactly what Essam El-Hadary did keeping the net for Egypt in the 2018 World Cup.
Now I really need that body cast.
The Vinko Bogotaj Award For Epic Failure
Previous Winner: The fans of English Premier League club Crystal Palace
All golfers can relate to this, and there’s the rarest kind of kismet when you see a professional do it. Sergio Garcia had that moment in front of God and the world on the 13th hole at Augusta National during the Masters when he rinsed five straight shots, finishing the hole with a score of 13.
The honorable mention is this category might just be the perfect example of that whole “you had one job” thing. “On-side” kick-offs almost never work, and they have absolutely no chance when they get cocked-up as badly as this…
The Joe Theismann Award For Gruesome Injuries
Previous Winner: Choirul Huda, Indonesian soccer goalie
If you talk about that old adage about pictures being worth 1,000 words, then this video weighs in with about 100,000; and every one of them is a synonym for “OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!”
I would bet that nobody would be shocked to learn that the vast majority of wards in this category come from the carnage we American call football, and what happened to the the Tennessee Titans Delanie Walker is no exception. Walker multiple fractures and ligament damage when his ankle got caught under Miami Dolphins safety T.J McDonald.
Fortunately, this year we can say nobody in this category got killed, which sadly we couldn’t say for the 9th Annual Dubsy Awards.
The Dick Vermeil Award For Great Moments in Crying
Previous Winner: Frank Martin, head basketball coach, University of South Carolina
Here at Dubsism, we’ve been on the Bubba Watson bandwagon since “The Golf Boys.” From a personality standpoint, it hard not to notice “The Bubba Watson Experience;” he’s the complete antithesis of the “Tiger Woods-ian,” automaton. That’s why he’s earned the oft-used description “Bubba being Bubba.”
This isn’t to detract from Bubba’s game. When Watson is on, nobody plays the game quite like he does; lodged somewhere in amongst the fourteen sticks in his bag is some sort of lefty sorcery. Watson works the ball in every direction well beyond the baby fades or soft draws of mere mortals. These are supernatural forays into farthest expanses of golfing possibilities; completely mesmerizing gambles that you can’t take your eye off even when they go awry.
Watson’s mercurial nature in both his game and his demeanor makes the golf world is far more entertaining. After enduring a 2017 in which Bubba was largely non-existent, his 2018 win at Riviera reminded us what “Top Shelf” Bubba brings to a PGA Sunday…one of the greatest and most imaginative shot-makers in the history of game, and an emotional cauldron always on the brink of blubbering.
It only took until the second installment of the Vermeil Award to get another football coach prone to turn on his eye faucets. Make no mistake, Lincoln Riley can cry unleash the waterworks at the drop of visor, and we’re fairly certain this won’t be the last time the name Lincoln Riley is in front of the eyes of the Dubsy Nomination committee..
The Gene Mauch Lifetime Achievement Award
This award is given annually to somebody who has been around forever, but never won anything.
Winner: Bill Snyder, former head football coach, Kansas State (nominated by Nacogdoches Nachos)
You really do have to give Bill Snyder some credit. When the 79-year Snyder announced his retirement earlier this season, not only was he stepping down as the dean of college football, he cemented his place as the only guy who made Kansas State football relevant. That was no small accomplishment.
When he made his way to Manhattan, Kansas in 1989, Snyder inherited a Wildcat program mired in the midst of a 27-game winless streak and had appeared in only one bowl in it’s 77-year history. Five days before Snyder’s first game, Sports Illustrated dubbed Kansas State “Futility U” in a feature about college football’s “most hapless team.”
“There is only one school in the nation that has lost 500 games,” Snyder told the magazine then. “This is it, and I get to coach it.”
But from that point, it only took Snyder three years to coach the Wildcats to a winning record. Within five years, he led them to their second bowl game in the program’s history, and by 1998, he had Kansas State one game away from playing for the BCS National Championship; Texas A&M upset the Wildcats in double overtime in the Big 12 championship game to knock them out of the national title picture.
By building from the bottom up, Snyder notched a record of 215-117-1 over 27 seasons at Kansas State, including a 128-89-1 record in the Big 12, with two conference titles. That includes a stretch of five seasons with at least 11 wins. For engineering the what became known as the “Manhattan Miracle, ” in 2015 Snyder became just the fourth active coach ever to be enshrined in the College Football Hall of Fame, joining Joe Paterno, John Gagliardi, and Bobby Bowden.
Previous Winner: Dan Marino