What your view of sports and life would be if you had too many concussions
It’s oldest tradition we have here at Dubsism…every January since this blog was created, we have given awards for achievements during the previous year in some under-recognized categories in the world of sports. In the early years, the nominations for the awards were done exclusively by an internal committee, but then we realized we are bloggers, and not Soviet-era kommissars. Once we opened the nominations to you, the blog-reading public, we had so much success that we had no choice but to continue that.
Between our committee and our valued readers, we had more quality nominations than we could ever possibly use. We received a comfortable five-figure number of nominations, and believe it or not, we read every goddamn one of them. That number of nominations means somebody out there is reading this blog, and thank you so much for that.
More detailed information on last year’s winners can be found here.
With that, and after careful consideration, here are the winners of the Twelfth Annual Dubsy awards.
The Mickey Klutts Award for Unfortunate Naming
There were so many great nominees in this category, but we simply couldn’t pass up the red-lining “Beavis & Butthead” value of a name like “Fartass.” As for our Honorable Mention, if you play American Football, and your name is a combination of the the biggest movie boxing legend ever and the one on the trophy given to the Super Bowl winners, you had better kick football ass like a Ninja Navy SEAL.
Previous Winner: Socrates Brito, former Outfielder, Toronto Blue Jays (just signed with the New York Yankees)
The Bobby Knight Award for Achievements in Dramatic Public Meltdowns
Any sports fan familiar with NBA Hall-of-Famer and TNT basketball analyst Charles Barkley understands that he is the epitome of opinionated and loves to gamble. All tolled, he just couldn’t help himself after the Atlanta Falcons gagged away yet another three-score lead in a 40-39 loss to the Dallas Cowboys.
“I just want to say something America,” Barkley said Sunday. “You all know I love football. It’s my favorite sport. Let me tell you something. I lost a fortune on the Atlanta Falcons in the Super Bowl when they choked. But let me tell you something: They outdid themselves today. That was the biggest choke job what the Atlanta Falcons did today. I’m not giving the Cowboys no credit. That was a choke job.”~Charles Barkley, TNT
In the case of the XFL, is there a better definition of “meltdown” in financial terms than a league into which Vince McMahon sunk a half a billion dollars and ended up selling it lock, stock, and barrel to Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson for approximately $15 million?
Previous Winner: Stefanos Tsitsipas, Tennis Player
A few years back, Sister Jean of Loyola-Chicago blazed this trail during the college basketball tournament. There’s something to be said for a centenarian who has transcended fandom to being as symbolic as a mascot.
Melba Mills is over 100 years old and loves the Kansas City Chiefs. Last fall, her son, Monte surprised her by taking her to a Chiefs game as a birthday gift! Even before the game started, the organization showed their support for her, from giving her a special jersey to allowing her to meet her favorite team member, Patrick Mahomes.~Sally Silverscreen
This category takes us from one extreme to the other. Sometimes, that means going from the ridiculous to the sublime; in this case it about going from the uplifting to the disgusting.
It seems that Tim Smith…the man inside the costume for Bailey The Lion, the mascot Los Angeles Kings, was a bigger fan of “grabass” than hockey.
The Los Angeles Kings have suspended the man who performs as the ice hockey team’s mascot after a sexual harassment lawsuit was filed against him. The team suspended Tim Smith, who portrays Bailey the Lion and is the senior manager of game presentation and events for the team, after the suit was filed by a former member of the Kings Ice Crew, ESPN reported…
…Smith has worked for the Kings organization since 2007. He was previously sued for harassment in 2017 by a man who alleged he grabbed his buttocks during an elevator ride. The lawsuit was settled in July 2018.~ABC News
Does the “goal light” go on every time Smith “scores”?
Previous Winner: Bevo, University of Texas
The Budd Dwyer Award for Excellence in Career Suicide
B1G Ten commissioner Kevin Warren forgot one crucial fact. He serves at the leisure of the members of the conference. When he issued his dictatorial edict cancelling the football season, he failed to anticipate the backlash that would come from the Brobdingnagian athletic departments for which football represents the primary financial feeding seasons. The revolt began with Nebraska players threatening a lawsuit, then came petitions from parents of players from several schools, and the coup de grâce came when the athletic directors from “big dogs” such as Ohio State, Penn State, and Wisconsin threatened to leave the conference.
On top of that, the B1G Ten fumbled big-time when it came to the protocols Warren and the rest of the conference politburo established for handling virus-related issues. What they put in place quickly proved to be unworkable, and they spent the entire season rolling back their own incompetence.
It’s no secret ESPN has been a sinking ship for years, and it doesn’t require the services of the FBI Crime Lab to deduce why. The reasons have been discussed before on Dubsism. However the reason which got the most attention revolved around the network’s choice to embrace politics. As I’ve said before, the issue isn’t about which side they picked, it’s about the fact people on either side use sports as a refuge from the drudgery that is every-day life. Once ESPN took the escapist value away from sports, there was no need to for sports fans to continue to consume the non-live sports product ESPN produces.
By turning off sports fans, ESPN has become a financial millstone around the neck of it’s parent company Disney. When he assumed control of the network, Jimmy Pitaro made bold pronouncements about “no politics,” then doubled-down on what is killing “The World Wide Bottom Feeder.”
As a result, ESPN has undergone multiple rounds of lay-offs and it’s beginning to look as if Disney may be preparing to sell off the network piece-by-piece, if not dump it outright.
Previous Winner: Antonio Brown,
former NFL Wide Receiver
The Ed Hochuli Award for the Best Call
If a picture is worth 1,000 words, what’s the count for a sweet Twitter video?
I don’t know the answer, but I’m willing to bet at least three words we didn’t get to hear in that video were “Strike that, fuckface!”
Of all the 70,000+ nominations we received, the most arduous debate centered on “winner vs. honorable mention” in this category, because they both contain roughly equal amounts of awesome. Of all the noise which was generated over the Houston Astros and the “sign stealing scandal,” Joe Kelly was the only person we heard speak a necessary bit of truth about this entire matter.
“The people who took the fall for what happened is nonsense,” Kelly said on the podcast. “Yes, everyone is involved. But the way that [sign-stealing system] was run over there was not from coaching staff….
…They’re not the head boss in charge of that thing. It’s the players. So now the players get the immunity, and all they do is go snitch like a little bitch, and they don’t have to get fined, they don’t have to lose games.”~Joe Kelly on The Big Swing podcast
In other words, this whole story broke because some of the players involved “ratted out” the others. Kelly is just invoking the time-honored “stitches get stitches” doctrine.
More importantly, while still don’t know the exact number as to value in words, according the the Dubsism Nomination Committee, part of the equation is [Twitter Video > Podcast].
Previous Winner: Hakim Laws, Hero and Philadelphia Eagles fan
The Jason Sehorn Award for Being Completely Overrated
Realistically, besides one being a basketball team and the other belonging to baseball, the only difference between the Clippers and the Cubs in the last five years is the Cubs actually won a championship in 2016. But since then, both teams are always favorites to win. But since then, neither teams have come close.
However, the Dubsism Nomination Committee felt the window was closing for these two teams to be in this category, considering the Cubs seems to be selling off their pitching staff and the Clippers just set a record by being the first team in NBA history to trail by 50 points in the first half of a game.
Previous Winner: Jim Harbaugh, Head Football Coach, University of Michigan
The Clinton-Nixon Award for Cover-Up Futility
The story of Ginny Fuchs is so hard to swallow that I’m just going to leave it in the original quotes.
Boxer Ginny Fuchs had a unique reason for failing a doping test. During a Thursday interview with Mark Berman, the American-born boxer explained that she tested positive on a doping test from “intimate contact.”~The Daily Caller
So…what exactly does that mean? Since she’s a boxer, Wyatt gives us the “blow-by-blow…”
The U.S. Anti-Doping Agency found steroids in her system, which she, um, “ingested” during sex with her boyfriend. The boyfriend was taking a steroid supplement at the time, and after an investigation, cleared Fuchs to continue training for the 2021 Games.~ The O.K Corral
Earlier, we asked about the relative value in words of a podcast versus a Twitter video. On that scale, there’s no better explanation than this YouTube video as to how the Washington Nationals’ ground crew literally defined “cover-up futility.”
Previous Winner: D.J. Cooper, former Ohio University Basketball Player
The Charles O. Finley Award for Achievements in Cheap
Everybody knows the Kansas City Chiefs won their first Super Bowl in 50 years in 2020. Football fans know that victory came courtesy of a collection of talented young stars on their relatively inexpensive rookie contracts. When the Chiefs won that Super Bowl, they had the lowest payroll in all of the National Football League at just under $167 million. Ironically, they beat the San Francisco 49ers, who at the time had the league’s highest salary demands at just over $221 million.
On the other end of the success spectrum lies the Dallas Cowboys. Don’t look now, but the Cowboys have an estimated worth of over $5 billion dollars, which makes them the most valuable franchise in the NFL. But contrary to popular belief, the Cowboys don’t spend money.
As of now, Dallas has the 3rd most space under the salary cap with over $27 million. Now, to be fair, that changes next year when they rise to the middle of the pack at 20th with just over $28 million under the cap. That may surprise a lot of people who think the Cowboys love to throw money around when in fact over the past few seasons they have been the kings of the discount store/outlet mall crowd.
Previous Winner: The Alliance of American Football
The Joe Kapp Award for Being Run Out of Town
We’ve always known that Canada is a strange place; it’s the goofiest country in North America because too much of it’s culture was imported from the goofiest country in Europe. That’s why the Great Goofy North has a father-and-son combination named Trudeau who are both known for being Prime Ministers who did a lot of goofy stuff.
That only begins to explain why Prime Minister Goofy the Younger banished the Blue Jays and the Raptors to toilets like Buffalo and Tampa for lame-ass “virus” reasons, yet allowed the National Hockey League play-off “bubble” to be in Edmonton, is allowing the Canadian NHL to play in their home arenas in 2021, and allowed the 2021 IIHF World Juniors hockey tournament to be held in Edmonton…which meant bringing teams from 9 foreign lands into a country which had enacted a “pre-cautionary” sealing of it’s borders.
If you aren’t familiar with Swiss Attorney General Michael Lauber, you can find a photo of him in the dictionary under “scapegoat.” FIFA, the governing of world soccer is as corrupt an organization in all of sports as the International Olympic Committee or the NCAA. FIFA has been flinging cash at political figures around the world since cash was invented; singling out Lauber is like pointing out the “tall guy” in a basketball game.
Previous Winner: Willie Taggart, former Head Football Coach, Florida State University
The Bobby Layne Award for Best Performance While Drunk
A lot of people don’t know that hockey teams something called an “EBUG.” That’s an acronym for “Emergency Back-Up Goalie.” Per National Hockey League rules, when both a team’s goalies are injured or otherwise incapacitated, the team “shall be entitled to dress and play any available goalkeeper who is eligible.”
That means they keep a guy “on-call” for just such instances. It almost never happens, but back in February the Carolina Hurricanes found themselves in precisely that predicament.
That’s when 42-year old practice-rink netminder and part-time Zamboni driver for the Toronto Maple Leafs David Ayres found himself getting the call to get between the pipes. In a game in Toronto, both Hurricane keepers James Riemer and Petr Mrazek were injured, Ayres donned the gear and got in goal.
As one might expect, seasoned NHL veterans made it look like Ayres was going to have a long night in the net; he allowed goals on both of the first two shots he saw. However, Ayres pulled it together and shut out the Maple Leafs from that point forward. All tolled, Ayres was in net for 28 minutes and aided the Hurricanes to a 6-3 victory.
But that was just the start of this story. A love-fest for Ayres by Carolina fans broke out. The team made player t-shirts with Ayres’ name on the back. They also flew Ayres to Raleigh, where he was made an honorary North Carolina resident and given the honor of sounding the storm siren before a Hurricanes home game. You know with a guy who is a) Canadian b) a hockey player and c) a goalie on top of it all…well, five will get you ten that during his tour of North Carolina, at no time did Ayres not have a beer in his hand.
Zach Plesac and Mike Clevinger might very well be the best example illustrating how some organizations in baseball have used the virus as an excuse handling. The two Cleveland Indians pitchers decided to spend a night on the town in Chicago; a violation of team protocol. The jig was up when they were caught sneaking back into the team’s hotel.
After that, the Indians used the sports media to whip up a narrative that the Indians’ locker room had become so staunchly against the two pitchers they would have to be traded or demoted away from the major league club. Not only was this false and disingenuous, it continued after the two had negative test results for the virus.
As a result, Clevinger was traded to San Diego…a team with a much brighter future than Cleveland has. Of course, nobody bothered to remember the Indians had been trying to deal him for over a year so they won’t have to pay him when his contract is up at the end of next season. Plesac took over Clevinger’s spot in the Indians pitching rotation, which gives him every opportunity to pitch his way into a big payday with somebody other than Cleveland.
Who said breaking the rules doesn’t pay?
Previous Winner: Jason Nix, Pitcher, San Diego Padres
The Artis Gilmore Award for Achievements in Hair Boldness
If it weren’t for Gardner Minshew’s football gear, it would be nearly impossible to tell if he is an NFL quarterback or the bass player for Foghat in 1978.
But for sheer guts, it’s hard to top “LeBalding” James and the worst hair-plugs in history. Tehy are barely a notch above coloring his head with a Sharpie.
Previous Winner: Mike Fiers, Pitcher, Oakland A’s
The Kyle Orton Award for Achievements in Partying
No matter the level of football we’re discussing, quarterbacks are the “rock stars.” When you’re a quarterback in Las Vegas, that’s just begging for something a bit “over the top.”
Frankly, I have no idea why this kid is apologizing. He’s just doing what you would expect a Las Vegas quarterback to do…which you would do too if given the chance.
What Danuel House did might be my favorite example of the sham that was “virus protocols,” and nobody’s were “shammier” than those of the National Basketball Association (NBA). From the moment the league created “The Bubble” at Walt Disney World, we were awash is stories about “protocol violations” ranging from guys making up “family emergencies” only to be spotted at a strip club hours later on down to players bringing in pizza delivery guys.
At least House was getting some.
House was banished from the bubble the NBA determined that he had “close” contact with an “unauthorized person” in the team’s hotel. The story that nobody has yet to admit was the “unauthorized person” was a female COVID-19 testing official.
Think about that for a minute. Performing any medical procedure…let alone a COVID test…requires “close” contact. What could be contact “closer” than inserting a foot-long Q-tip into somebody’s nose? Perhaps something involving a different kind of insertion (wink, nudge)…
Previous Co-Winners: Aaron Rodgers, Quarterback, and David Bakhtiari, Offensive Tackle, Green Bay Packers
The Vasily Alexseyev Award for Plus-Sized Achievement
Here another case where you simply let the video do the talking. Just watch the “big man” knock down a “big boy” three.
Price Robinson’s story is one of self-improvement turned into an exercise in self-discovery. The world needs more stories like this: you need to take time to read his.
Previous Winner: C.C. Sabathia, former Pitcher, New York Yankees
The Jamie Moyer Award for Excellence in Geriatrics
In his final season in the NBA, at 43 years of age Vince Carter was literally old enough to be the father of some of his teammates. In his final season in 2020, Carter became the only in NBA history to have played in four different decades. He’ll still be dunking on dudes when he’s at the retirement home.
Carter was drafted by the Golden State Warriors in 1998, but was traded to the Toronto Raptors. Carter went on to play for the New Jersey Nets, Orlando Magic, Phoenix Suns, Dallas Mavericks, Memphis Grizzlies, and Sacramento Kings.
Vince Carter is one of only six players in NBA history to record 24,000 points, 6,000 rebounds, 2,500 assists, 1,000 steals and 1,000 3-point field goals.
If you’re old enough to appreciate this category, you’re also old enough to remember the tagline from those old Timex watch commercials.
Forget about being “tough as nails.” Hal Mumme takes a licking and keeps on ticking.
Previous Winner: Zdeno Chara, Defenseman, Boston Bruins (now with the Washington Capitals)
The Vinko Bogotaj Award For Epic Failure
If you think about it, putting sex dolls in the stands was really the logical extension from the cardboard cut-outs team were using to hide empty seats in pandemic-deserted arenas.
But it is also another example of the silliness of these virus protocols. Here you have dolls designed for the closest of “close contact,” yet they are still “socially-distanced” and wearing masks.
But unlike a pass play with no receivers running routes, you can still score with a sex doll.
Previous Winner: Max Scherzer, Pitcher, Washington Nationals
The Joe Theismann Award For Gruesome Injuries
Before you let the full horror of what you’re about to see sink all the way in, consider the following.
These guys took the time to build a back-yard wrestling ring of decent quality. They have ropes, a reasonable floor, and lighting. But once the “hold my beer” guy walks through the frame, you should know some really bad shit is about to happen. Once you have that realization, you are miles ahead of these guys on the “Anticipation” scale…they really should have figured out at some point during the construction process this kind of shit was within the realm of possibility.
At least when the dismantle this ring, they will have plenty of lumber to build a handi-ramp for “Captain Top-Rope.”
People in sports always love to talk about how tough hockey players are; that world is chock full of tales of guys getting teeth knocked out, getting stitches, or otherwise being maimed in some bloody manner, then popping right back into the game.
In that vein, we have to give some props to Joe West. Known throughout baseball as “Country Joe,” West is a 68-year old umpire who took a bat to the head, and with the aid of stiches and some athletic tape, went right back out on the field.
Previous Winner: Samantha Cerio, Gymnast, Auburn University
The Dick Vermeil Award For Great Moments in Crying
When you look at the picture of the crying, face-palming Cowboys fan, understand it was taken before Dak Prescott’s gruesome injury…for which he received a fair amount of nominations for our Joe Theismann Award, but showed yet another example of his inability to win.
It was taken before the true desperation the end of the season brought for “America’s Team.” Things got so bad for Dallas that Cowboys fans found themselves actually rooting for the hated-rival Philadelphia Eagles in their season-ending game against the New York Giants.
This is what it boils down being a Cowboys fan for the last quarter-century…misplaced hope married to desperation so deep you need help from your sworn enemy…only watch to Cowboys spit the bit when it mattered yet again.
Not to mention this Cowboys’ fan is getting an award named for a legendary Philadelphia Eagles’ coach…
But at least the pain of Cowboys fan is real…and for a Philadelphia Eagles fan rather delicious. Neither applies to the performance of Vernon Davis during an appearance on ESPN’s SportsCenter while he was pumping a movie in which he appears called Red Winter, which according to IMDB is as of this writing in post-production.
I’m not sure which performance was more cringe-worthy; Davis’ faux cascade of tears, or Elle Duncan’s attempt to sell that she bought it.
Speaking of cringe-worthy…Vernon Davis has an IMDB page.
Previous Winner: Steve Hansen, New Zealand national rugby coach
The Gene Mauch Lifetime Achievement Award
Winner: Sam Wyche, former NFL Quarterback and Head Coach (nominated by the Dubsism Nomination Committee)
This award is given annually to somebody who was around forever, but never won anything.
Compiling this annual list of award winners is a year-round process. That’s why when Sam Wyche passed away on the second day of 2020, he became the first person on that year’s awards list.
During his playing career, Wyche was a “journeyman” quarterback for the Cincinnati Bengals (1968–1970), Washington Redskins (1971–1973), Detroit Lions (1974), and St. Louis Cardinals (1976). After that, Wyche was a longtime football coach, both collegiately at Indiana University (1983) and professionally for the Cincinnati Bengals (1984–1991) and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1992–1995).
Regardless where Wyche coached, he always was known for his “larger-than-life” personality and his “out of the ordinary” approach. Sports broadcaster Norman Chad dubbed him “The Always Innovative Sam Wyche” as well as “Wicky Wacky Wyche” for his unconventional coaching style.
Not only was Wyche one the NFL’s first proponents of the “No-huddle” offense, he confused defenses with what he called the “Sugar Huddle.” This involved having as many as 15 players on the field for the pre-snap huddle, with the extras running off the field before the play was set in motion. This made the defense never sure who was actually going to be on the field, and if they tried to adapt with their own substitutions, the offense would snap the ball, often catching the defense with too many players on the field. Eventually, the NFL changed the rules to disallow this practice.
In terms of coaching success, Wyche reached his peak in 1989 when his Cincinnati Bengals gave the dynastic San Francisco 49ers all they could handle in Super Bowl XXIII. The Bengals took the lead 16-13 on a field goal with only 3:20 remaining in the game. But Hall-of-Famer Joe Montana led the 49ers on a game-winning drive capped with a 10-yard touchdown pass to John Taylor with only :34 left.
But the moment for which most remember Wyche came later that year. On December 10, 1989, during a game versus the Seattle Seahawks, Bengals fans threw snowballs and various debris onto the field protesting a call by the officials. The Seahawks’ field position found them at their own 4-yard line, which put them in exceptionally easy range of the stuff being thrown from the stands. As a result, the Seahawks refused to continue the game, citing incredibly legitimate safety concerns. The game was halted by the officials.
Incensed at the stoppage of play which he felt was taking away from the Bengals momentum, Wyche charged across the field to a public-address microphone and uttered arguably the most famous tirade in the history of Cincinnati’s Riverfront Stadium.
“Will the next person that sees anybody throw anything onto this field, point ’em out, and get ’em out of here. You don’t live in Cleveland, you live in Cincinnati!”~Sam Wyche
Needless to say, this didn’t make him terribly popular in Cleveland. But he didn’t live in Cleveland. HE LIVED IN CINCINNATI!
Previous Winner: Eddie Sutton, former College Basketball Coach
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