What your view of sports and life would be if you had too many concussions
As is usual, the Jacksonville Jaguars finished another awful season; this time they were actually the worst team in the National Football League. As such, they have the first pick in the NFL Draft, and it just so happens they are looking for a new head coach. Jaguars’ owner Shad Khan seems ready to make the same mistake made by many before him…hiring a college coach.
Face facts…that almost never works. For every Jimmy Johnson, there’s a bus load of duds like Chip Kelly, Steve Spurrier, and the current king of college football, Nick Saban. That’s why we dusted off our espionage equipment because we knew the conversation between Khan and current Fox Sports analyst and college football leviathan Urban Meyer could be nothing but pure blog gold. After all, Khan is desperate, and Meyer is the definition of a money-hungry mercenary.
To that end, we successfully intercepted some raw audio from that initial meeting. The following is a transcript of that conversation.
LEGAL DISCLAIMER (mandated by our very own Small Town Pizza Lawyer): J-Dub has a strange way of defining certain terms. “Intercepted” should be read as “completely fabricated.” Despite that, we here at Dubsism would be willing to bet they aren’t far from the truth.
The Scene: Urban Meyer enters the expansive office of Jacksonville Jaguars’ owner Shad Khan. In no time at all, the conversation takes on the adversarial tone as if they were playing Senator Geary and Michael Corleone in The Godfather II.
Shad Khan: Good morning, Coach Meyer. I’m glad we can finally meet in person. Can I get you anything… coffee, perhaps?
Urban Meyer: No. Let’s just get down to business. I don’t want to be here any longer than I have to be.
SK: Very well. I’m sure you know that I’m in the market for a “big-name” football coach. Specifically, what I’m looking for is…
UM: (interrupts) Fifteen million.
SK: Uhhh…excuse me?
UM: You heard me. Fifteen million.
SK: I haven’t even told you what I’m looking for yet.
UM: Nobody gives a frog’s watertight ass about what you’re “looking for.” I’m here to talk about what you need. And it’s going to cost you fifteen million. Per year. For five years. Guaranteed.
SK: (incredulous) You’re going to tell me what I need?
UM: Exactly, because it seems none of the ass-kissers you call a staff have done that.
SK: Look…I have good people working for…
UM: (interrupts) Good people who get you coffee and blow smoke up your ass. Not one of them has told you the reality of your situation.
SK: And just what is that reality?
UM: You…and your whole organization is a cluster-fuck. You were accidentally successful enough a few years back to get into the AFC Championship Game, but your team choked. In the meantime, you gave your fans just enough hope that they didn’t notice how badly you run this organization. You were fifteen minutes away from a Super Bowl, and now not even three years later your team is a complete disaster. And now the guy who pulled down your pants and butt-fucked you on live television in that game is right down the road taking the Buccaneers to the play-offs.
SK: And you can wave your magic wand and fix all that…for fifteen million?
UM: No. Nobody has a wand big enough to fix all that. Not as long as an asshole like you owns this team.
SK: Is that anyway to talk to the owner…the guy who holds the job you want? You realize I’m still the owner, right?
UM: Let’s be clear here. I don’t want your job. I want your money. I don’t care who you are. You can give yourself any title you want. You still have a problem I can solve.
SK: And suppose you tell me how?
UM: You know, for a guy who is a multi-billionaire, you’re not very bright. You own a football team in Florida, where football is king. The other two teams in this state have a brighter future than you do, and every one of your fans now knows you’ve done absolutely fucking nothing to help this team. Now that the “honeymoon” from that AFC Championship appearance is over, they all see you’ve owned this team for ten years and you’ve gone nowhere.
SK: (stares confusedly at Meyer)
UM: You still don’t get it, do you? Short term, you can’t compete on the field with the Dolphins or the Bucs. So, to give your fans hope…and more importantly, a reason to give a damn about your wreck of a team…you couple your new first-round draft pick quarterback with a coach who is still a football god in this state. Is that picture clear enough for you?
SK: So, why is this worth fifteen million to me?
UM: Because the Panthers just used the same recipe, except with a retread quarterback and a college coach whose never won a damn thing, and they gave him eight million. You’re getting one of the biggest names in the game. That means fifteen… at least.
SK: At least?
UM: Yep. The longer you dick around, the price goes up. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a meeting with the Chargers. Part of that fifteen million is the fee for getting to me live in Jacksonville…Florida’s anus! (slams door on his way out).