What your view of sports and life would be if you had too many concussions
If you’re a regular reader of Dubsism, you know that one of our time-honored traditions is to talk some shit about the competitors in major sporting events. We do it every year for the Super Bowl, and every spring we let the piss out of the NCAA “Sweet Sixteen.” Despite the world’s best efforts, this March will be no different.
Now that we are past the first and heading head-long into the second weekend of the NCAA Basketball Tournament, some of you may be happy with your bracket, and some are lamenting the fact their brackets are so much smoldering wreckage. No matter which side of the carnage your brackets lie, the bottom line is that the odds are that the team you have your hopes pinned on is going to let you down. The service we here at Dubsism provide is giving you ammunition which which you can load your “curse” gun when that finally happens.
As such, consider yourself warned. If you tend to go all “snowflake” and are easily offended, do us all a favor and read no further. This March tradition harks back to the original purpose of Dubsism; a home for my profanity-filled and completely offensive tirades. So, if you send me your hate-mail because I just took a giant Hormel Chili-fueled shit all over something you hold dear, I’ll know you didn’t take this warning seriously.
Being a basketball player at one of the holy sites of college football is the definition of “overshadowed.” This week, 80% of the sports fans in Alabama just discovered the Crimson Tide even field a squad for hoops. One positive for having limited fans having fans is you didn’t see the Alabama stands full of those stupid-ass hounds-tooth hats. Thankfully, by the time venues go back to full-capacity, Alabama basketball will be long forgotten.
If you think being a basketball player playing “second fiddle” to football is bad, imagine your entire university taking a back-seat to the Crimson Tide in just about everything. Perhaps that’s because unlike Alabama, Arkansas isn’t the “true Antebellum South;” it’s really more like if Texas and Tennessee had a bastard child. The Razorbacks didn’t even become a member of SEC until 1992; before that Arkansas was really just “more Texas.”
Like Tennessee, Arkansas’ main contribution to the south was being largely destroyed during the Civil War. Despite that, Arkansas has made major cultural contributions, such as being the birthplace of music icon Johnny Cash. More importantly, it’s also the home of Wal-Mart, which ironically is the only employment most SEC grads can attain.
Finally, Baylor gives people a reason to associate Waco, Texas with something other than the federal government over-zealously char-broiling a bunch of essentially harmless religious fruitcakes. Unfortunately, that took a sexual assault scandal, a dead basketball player who might still be one of the three best players on this year’s squad…one which duped the media into thinking this team is little more than the product of a bunch of Baptist fruitcakes who might use a bit of char-broiling themselves.
Speaking of Baptists, one of my favorite podcasts called Small Town Murder has a running gag about how they are the “Catholics of the South.” Since Baylor just so happens to be the world’s largest Baptist university, it’s time to explore to the reverse. Our first example of Catholics being “the Baptists of the North” comes in the form of Creighton University.
Having been raised Catholic, I can tell you first hand that self-punishment is as central to Catholicism as the dribble is to basketball. As such, the entire student body of Creighton should be hitting the pinnacle of absolution because there could be no better example of modern self-flagellation than spending one’s collegiate years in a Jesuit school in Omaha, Corn-ghanistan.
There’s a reason I will take every opportunity to use the above graphic. It drips with truth; Florida State is really the “strip-mall” of universities. Building an institution of higher learning in the Florida panhandle is akin to having a Weight Watchers rally at Michael Moore’s house, complete with a Chinese buffet and that smell fat guys pump out from the fermenting sweat from under their flab-tits.
In other words, Florida State is less like a “real” university, and more like those so-called “colleges” you see in strip malls that advertise on daytime television. So while your getting your “degree” in truck driving or small engine repair, as long as you’re hanging around strip malls in Florida, you could meet New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft. Just don’t shake his hand unless you have an industrial-sized vat of hand sanitizer.
We are less than half-way through this list, and we are already on “God” school #3. Gonzaga is yet another Catholic school showing up in this year’s “Sweet Sixteen.” But that’s only the beginning of the problem here.
Here’s a case where I’m stuck hard in a “said it before/say it again” predicament. Whenever ESPN’s Neil Everett refers to the town in which Gonzaga is located as “Spo-Vegas,” I immediately know he’s consuming a special grade of hallucinogenic mushrooms. Spokane, Washington is to Las Vegas what rice cakes are to Filet Mignon. If you think eating organic styrofoam is fun, you’ll love Spokane for reasons easily illustrated.
Sadly, I can identify with Gonzaga because I too went to school in a God-forsaken town in the middle of nowhere near the Canadian border. We’re talking about the kind of town where if you’re a college student, the only non-school related things to do are the stuff Catholicism frowns upon…like eating, drinking, and fucking. Despite the excitement level added by institutional repression, that only works for a while because everybody becomes a pizza-and-beer bloated gastropod nobody wants to pork…unless even more beer is involved.
Thus starts a drunken-sex “death spiral”…the more beer everyone drinks, the fatter everyone one gets, which means it takes more beer for anybody to want to fuck anybody. Eventually the entire town looks like mating season at SeaWorld. What makes matters worse is Gonzaga is a Catholic school filled with Mormons in the heart of onion-growing country. It almost makes me want to cheer for the Bulldogs because what else could these bunch of morbidly-obese, sexually-repressed, drunk-fucks who reek like the onion grease at a White Castle possibly have?
There was a time when Houston occupied a prestigious spot in the pantheon of college basketball; that was the era of Elvin Hayes through “Phi Slamma Jamma.” All five Final Fours reached by the University of Houston occurred during the Guy Lewis era. The problem is that Guy Lewis is dead, and sadly…Kelvin “The Snail” Sampson is not.
I call Sampson “The Snail” because short of Bruce Pearl, he’s the sleaziest coach in all of the game. As such, he leaves a trail of slime where ever he goes, hence “The Snail.” Fret not Houston fans, like Indiana and Oklahoma before you, the Cougars too soon will be under an NCAA investigation.
In what is beginning to sound like a “Casey Kasem”-style countdown, we’re now at “God” school #4. Another Jesuit institution, Loyola is named for the founder of the order, Saint Ignatius Loyola. So, how does a school named for one of the big dogs in the history of the church end up lower on the Catholic pecking order than an onion-stinking piss-hole like Gonzaga?
Perhaps it’s because Loyola’s best player doesn’t exactly look like a basketball stud. To be perfectly honest, the name “Cameron Krutwig” doesn’t exactly evoke images of hoop heroism. Don’t get me wrong, this guy is a tremendous player; he played “lumberjack” by single-handedly clear-cutting that redwood forest known as Illinois. But with a body like a 6’9″ truck driver and that name, he just doesn’t scream “NBA” player.
Granted, I could be totally wrong. Krutwig could be a great scoring forward in the NBA. But for my money, the most likely future for the Algonquin, Illinois native is to be the beefy, front-court American which are ever-popular in the good European leagues.
This is where guys like Krutwig go where they won’t make stupid-huge money like in America, but they will still enjoy a surgeon-level income without the crushing student debt and malpractice insurance. In other words, a few years of pro basketball on the other side of the Atlantic and a good player can easily amass a bank balance with two commas in it. Krutwig is exactly that kind of guy; he could easily bank enough bread to return to his hometown and buy a chain of car dealerships.
And if that happens, you know those greedy-ass Catholics will expect him to pour cash into a collection plate about the size of a Chevy Silverado.
Realistically, the best thing you can say about Michigan is that it isn’t Ohio State. Even more realistically, that difference may be in name only. Both schools over-rated academically and supported by bloated, corrupt athletic departments. The difference lies in the fact that nobody really knows what a “Buckeye” actually is; the rumor is that it’s a retarded version of the walnut. On the other hand, it is common knowledge that a wolverine is simply a hyper-aggressive skunk with more robustly developed anal glands.
Unfortunately, too many have forgotten the truly awesome tale of how this university came to be. Named for the greatest “TV Preacher” in history, not only is Oral Roberts “God” school #5 on this list, it’s a monument to the sheer power of “hucksterism.”
Oral Roberts founded his university in Tulsa, Oklahoma in 1963 claiming he was following an order God. Later, Roberts engaged in fund raising tactics which all of which involved some sort of apparition. My personal favorite is when Roberts claimed he had a vision of a 900-foot tall Jesus who told him if he didn’t raise $8 million in one year that Jesus would “call him home.” He fell short of the total, but his followers ponied up millions…based on nothing other that his word. Say what you will, but don’t fucking try to tell me you wouldn’t love to have that ability.
Face it, with that skill, Oral Roberts could have been Cameron Krutwig’s leading car salesman. Frankly, it’s too bad Roberts died in 2009; I can only imagine what Jesus would have told him about this tournament.
Oregon and Oregon State:
Neither of these schools deserve their own entry because they are essentially the same, and they are located about 38 feet from each other. Not only that, but they represent the goofiest state in America which doesn’t have an SEC school in it. That being said, Oregon is really just the Arkansas of the Pacific Northwest…it’s an “Oops” baby created by it’s neighbors Idaho and California.
On one side, Oregon is home to the hippies which even Californians have determined are too useless and malodorous to be anywhere near. Not only that, but they are hypocritical racist ass-wipes who claim to be “social justice warriors” yet suckle at the teat of a multi-national sporting goods manufacturer which enslaves more Asian women than the Khmer Rouge and Robert Kraft combined.
On the other side, Oregon is also populated by the descendants of the “Oregon Trail” settlers who to this day are still rugged, hard-working lot. They are also far more honest with their racism; the declare it out-right by forming Idaho-like Neo-Nazi militias who congregate to watch Mississippi Burning and root for the Klan.
What else can you say about an institution which has arguably the best “slam-board” on the web. If you scroll through it, you’ll get a steady diet of the usual whines of dipshit college students. But this board also seems to indicate that map-reading is not a skill required for admittance to Syracuse University.
They all bitch about the lousy weather, which begs the question…What the fuck did they expect? Even the most casual glance at a map should tell anybody with even a semi-functional cerebral cortex that anyplace this close to Buffalo should expect winters filled with snowfalls asshole-deep to a ten-foot moose.
USC and UCLA:
Here’s two more schools that aren’t greeting their own entry because there’s really no need to undo their inherent redundancy. USC is the private school for rich kids, and like many such institutions, it needs prison walls around it because it’s now smack-dab in the middle of the worst neighborhood in the city. Meanwhile, UCLA is the “state” school which is securely nestled in the bourgeoisie bosom of Brentwood…where ex-USC running backs kill their ex-wives in trendy condos with prices well-inflated over market value.
Despite those differences, there’s still that redundancy. It works like this. Homer Simpson once described Florida as “America’s Wang.” On the opposite coast, Los Angeles could easily be “America’s Yeast-Infected Vagina.” From a distance, it looks like a wonderland filled with promise, but once you get out of the airport, you realize it’s surprising dirty in an uncomfortably slimy and smelly way. As such, it’s two largest universities are chock-full of cunty little brats, and either campus…along with the entire city…should be suffocated in a six-foot-thick layer of Monistat.
The only city on earth in which more priests are ordained than Philadelphia is Rome itself. That’s why it makes perfect sense the fourth Catholic school on our list is in the suburbs of the City of Brotherly Love. Not only that, but Villanova also happens to be another Jesuit school. For those of you who aren’t familiar with the strict stratification of the Catholic church, the Jesuits aren’t simply another faction. Originally formed as a force to “oppose the Reformation,” popes like Sixtus VI and Innocent VIII used the Jesuits as Vatican’s 15th Century version of the “Schutzstaffel” of 1942; you couldn’t have had the Spanish Inquisition without the Jesuits.
Now, the Jesuits exist largely to torture your bracket.
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