What your view of sports and life would be if you had too many concussions
So, here we are with Duke back in the Final Four. If you are like me, it matters little who they are facing. Regardless of what happens, I’ll be rooting against Duke. It’s not like I’m alone in this, America hates Duke. Some people simply won’t face up to this; many are out there thinking this is finally the Duke team worthy of support.
Fat fucking chance. Have we forgotten so soon why all Americans should hate Duke? Frankly, it always seemed so self-evident. Granted, since this is their first Final Four since 2004, perhaps some have forgotten the sheer assholery that oozes from the Blue Devils. Actually, it is the fact that they haven’t seen the last weekend of the tournament in six years that clearly illustrate the holes in the mythology that is Duke. It doesn’t require Jim Rockford or NASA supercomputer to figure out why. All you have to do is watch Duke play, watch Coach Krzyzewski on the sidelines, and watch their fans. They are all obnoxious in their own way.
It doesn’t help that the assloafs at ESPN, led by Dick Vitale, not only ignore the obvious, but continue some sort of sick love-fest with Coach K, his over-rated players, and the “best fans in basketball.”
First of all. let’s just start with Mike Krzyzewski. Raise your hand if you are tired of watching Coach K scream unrepentantly at officials until every call goes Duke’s way. Raise your hand if you wonder why the media has never exposed Krzyzewski for being every bit the abusive tyrant his mentor Bobby Knight was. Raise your hand if you wonder when Coach K and Dick Vitale are going to pick out a china pattern together.
Then there are the players. Remember all those great Duke players that went on to storied NBA careers? Get ready for the laundry list of mediocrity…Christian Laettner, Bobby Hurley, Cherokee Parks, J.J. Reddick, Sheldon Williams, Shane Battier…There are plenty to choose from, add to the list as you see fit.
This leaves us with the upscale rabble known as the “Cameron Crazies.” Somehow, they’ve become the gold standard in fandom over the years, and it’s the most annoying Duke myth of them all. Duke fans are the worst kind; they are impossibly loud, they dissappear if the team isn’t winning, and most importantly, what they actually know about basketball you could squeeze into their ass and have plenty of room left fot their brains. You know the type; the people who love sports just because it’s an excuse to get dressed up and yell, but don’t actually understand the game (think Minnesota Viking fans and you get the picture).
Rather than being basketball fans, Duke supporters tend to be pompous elitists who love to roll in the delight of their own feces and are hopelessly ultimate superiority. All one has to do is quote the following Duke fan confronting Elton Brand about his decision to leave Duke after his sophomore year, the first underclassmen to leave early during Krzyzewski’s tenure at Duke.
From: Taylor, Jennifer
Sent: Friday, April 16, 1999 2:55 PM
To: Brand, Elton
Subject: Leaving Duke
I graduated from Duke last May and just wanted to express my disgust for your decision to leave the Duke program after only two years. As an alum, not only do I hold the school in high regard, but the basketball program as well, especially since both have deservedly garnered such a great deal of respect for their accomplishments.
As part of our basketball program, you represent Duke as a whole. We are first and foremost an academic school, you clearly did not belong at Duke in the first place if this was the extent of your commitment to Duke and a college education in general. You have not only insulted the current students who are putting in four years at a school they love, but also the thousands of alumni who have realized the value of a Duke education and what an honor and privilege it was to be there for four years.
If you do not realize the opportunity you have in front of you to play for Coach K and at the same time attain a Duke diploma, then that is certainly your loss. I just wish that you has spared us the notion that you were continuing in the tradition of being a Duke student-athlete, in emphasizing excellence in both academics and athletics. You will not be considered part of the Duke family, in my mind as well as many others. You have by no means proved yourself worthy of that title.
Now, never mind that Elton Brand was the best player to come through Duke University since Grant Hill. Forget that he was selected first overall in that year’s NBA Draft. It isn’t even important that it took a lifetime of dedication and hard work for Brand to get to that point. What matters is the attitude of this snotty little bitch who is all pissed off because he left her school. To Duke fans, it’s never about great players like Brand; it’s the system that made them successful.
Of course, this just leads us to the best takedown of Duke fans in history, from one of the best Duke players ever:
Thank you very much, for reminding me of the reason why I left Duke. People like you can not and will not ever understand my situation. I’m sure daddy worked very hard to send your rich self to college. While real people struggle. I would also like to extend an invitation for you not to waste your or my time ever agin. Never being considered a part of your posh group of yuppies really hurts me to the heart. Yeah, right. Because I don’t care about you or your alumni.
Sincerely, Elton Brand #42 NBA
The lesson learned: if you ever feel Duke isn’t worthy of bile-spewing hatred, just ask Elton Brand. He’ll set you straight.