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The Dubsism Breakdown of the 2013 NBA Draft, or Why Your Team Blew It In 50 Words or Less

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Realistically, the title should tell you all need to know, so rather than waste a lot of time with some sappy introduction, let’s just get down to how your team blew it’s draft.

Round #1

1) Cleveland Cavaliers: Anthony Bennett, PF, UNLV

Bennett is a solid pick despite what the pointy-heads at ESPN think. All he needs to be an elite scorer is a great point guard. Of course, the Cavaliers won’t get him one, because they are the Cavaliers.

2) Orlando Magic: Victor Oladipo, SG, Indiana

This guy will contribute right away.  The question is will anybody else in Orlando?

3) Washington Wizards: Otto Porter, SF, Georgetown

Its hard to criticize this pick, but the Wizards are so snake-bit, this poor kid is probably going to shatter his femur falling out of the team bus.

4) Charlotte Bobcats: Cody Zeller, PF, Indiana

My fellow SportsBlogMovement member Ryan Graham thinks Zeller is doomed to be the next Joel Pryzbilla. The Bobcats-soon-to-be-Hornets will be lucky if Zeller turns out to be that good.

5) Phoenix Suns: Alex Len, C, Maryland

I just don’t trust a big who looks like he just learned about playing in the low-post yesterday.

6) New Orleans Pelicans: Nerlens Noel, C, Kentucky

The best way to get me to not trust a big is to tell me he’s already got bad knees. The Pelicans made the right move sending this guy to Philadelphia, where they know all about big guys with bad knees. Maybe Noel can use Anderw Bynum’s wheelchair.

7) Sacramento Kings: Ben McLemore, SG, Kansas

First of all, I don’t trust Kansas players in the NBA, and especially not this guy.  He’s the classic all-or-nothing sort of player. My guess is the Kings get nothing.

8) Detroit Pistons: Kentavious Caldwell-Pope, SG, Georgia

Coming from a lousy Georgia team will prove to be the perfect training for playing on a lousy Pistons team.

9) Minnesota Timberwolves: Trey Burke, PG, Michigan

Remember the last time the Timberwolves traded a guard on draft day? I’m pretty sure Ray Allen remembers the draft day Minnesota picked him, then shipped his ass off to Milwaukee for dealt for Stephon “Didn’t suck for four seasons at the most” Marbury. This trade virtually guarantees that Trey Burke will end up in the Hall of Fame, while Shabazz Muhammad and Gorgui Deng are likely to end up as Ndudi Ebi, or worse, Malik Sealy.

Shut up, it isn’t too soon.

10) Portland Trail Blazers:  C.J. McCollum, PG, Lehigh

McCollum is the first player ever drafted from Lehigh, a small college in Pennsylvania best-known for producing NASCAR legend Roger Penske and the guy who played Ralph Malph on “Happy Days.” He was also a key cog of the Lehigh team that knocked Duke out of the NCAA Tournament, so draw your own conclusions.

11) Philadelphia 76ers: Michael Carter-Williams, PG, Syracuse

It’s not like the Sixers have anything to lose here. The Andrew Bynum deal destroyed this team, and they could improve even by having Anson Williams playing point guard.  That’s right, you just got back-to-back “Happy Days” references.

12) Oklahoma City Thunder: Steven Adams, C, Pittsburgh

This guy is more raw than sushi made by an apprentice chef.  He’s got the hands of Herman Munster and the strength of baby aspirin. He has as much chance to contribute as I do getting elected Pope while having a threesome with Bigfoot and Amelia Earhart.

13) Boston Celtics (via Dallas Mavericks): Kelly Olynyk, C, Gonzaga

If Mel Kiper covered the NBA Draft, he’d be saying the Mavericks have no idea what the draft is all about. They could have had Olynyk, who easily could have easily been the replacement for the aging Dirk Nowitzki, then they dealt that pick to Atlanta for Barry Larkin’s kid. I wonder if Mavericks’ head coach Rick Carlisle is as hard on shortstops as he is on point guards.

14) Minnesota Timberwolves (via Utah Jazz): Shabazz Muhammad, SF, UCLA

This was the first of the two picks Minnesota got for Trey Burke, which means the Timberwolves get to be the ones to find out if this guy can hit an NBA three-pointer. If he can’t, he’s going to end up working at a 7-11, like every other guy named Shabazz.

15) Milwaukee Bucks: Giannis Adetokundo, SF, Greece

This guy has a reputation as being NBA-ready at 18 and for having a boatload of athleticism.  That means he’s going to do really well for the team he signs with when he hits free-agency.

16) Atlanta Hawks (via Dallas Mavericks and Boston Celtics): Lucas Nogueira, C, Brazil

This guy was slated to be coming from the relative obscurity of Brazilian basketball directly into the soon-to-be-obscurity of Celtic basketball. But thanks to a series of trades, he will now languish in the mediocrity of the Atlanta Hawks. Who knows, this guy could turn out to be a pretty good player; he also could be a Portuguese-speaking Darko Milicic.

17) Atlanta Hawks: Dennis Schroeder, PG, Germany

The thinking on acquiring Lucas Nogueria has to be getting a big to go with Al Horford in the front court, which isn’t a bad idea.  Getting a top-flight point guard like Schroeder who can feed some front-court scoring options is an even better idea. This can only means the Hawks have figured out the a future which includes getting farther than the second round of the playoffs does not include a backcourt with guys like Devin Harris, Jeff Teague and Kyle Korver playing 30+ minutes per game.

18) Dallas Mavericks (via Atlanta Hawks): Shane Larkin, PG, Miami (FL)

Larkin was the key to a Miami team that was a lot of people’s NCAA Tournament darling last spring. He has a very solid chance to be the core of the Mavericks rebuilding movement. I just don’t what else the Mavs will get to go with him.

19) Cleveland Cavaliers: Sergey Karasev, SF, Russia

Here’s another foreign player we really don’t know that much about, but he has all the hallmarks of being the real deal.  All tolled, I think the Cavaliers could be interesting to watch very soon. Not good, but interesting.

20) Chicago Bulls: Tony Snell, SG, New Mexico

As far as two-guards go, Snell is solid, but lacks the upside of Allen Crabbe. As far as the Bulls go, why are they taking another two-guard? Does this mean they are not a s sure about Derrick Rose’s knee as they all wanted us to believe?

21 ) Minnesota Timberwolves (via Utah Jazz): Gorgui Dieng, C, Louisville

The second pick the Timberwolves got for Trey Burke.  Tune in to your next episode of Hoarders, because between Kevin Love and Dieng, that’s what Minnesota will be doing with defensive rebounds. This could easily be the first team to lead the league in defensive boards and not win 40 games.

22) Brooklyn Nets: Mason Plumlee, C, Duke

Another Duke big destined to languish in the NBA. Cherokee Parks, anyone?

23) Indiana Pacers: Solomon Hill, SF, Arizona

The one thing the Pacers need is a big-time scorer. Hill isn’t that guy, so I really don’t get this pick. Maybe they let Pat Riley make this pick for them.

24) New York Knicks: Tim Hardaway Jr., SG, Michigan

So, the Knicks draft a guard who a) doesn’t pass the ball on to be on a team with Carmelo Anthony, and b) likely couldn’t hit six out of ten free throws on a bet. Discuss amongst yourselves.

25) Los Angeles Clippers select: Reggie Bullock, SG, North Carolina

Being a two-guard for the Clippers is kind of like being the second-string quarterback. You don’t matter much, and even when you get to play, the offense isn’t geared for you. The Clippers whole offense is about point guards feeding an isolated wing and the good, old pick-and-roll, which doesn’t bode well for a classic “catch-and-shoot” guy. Bullock better learn to play defense and steal if he wants to see the ball.

26) Oklahoma City Thunder (via Golden State Warriors and Minnesota Timberwolves) Andre Roberson, PF, Colorado

The first “meh” pick of the draft, meaning I don’t really have an opinion on this guy one way or the other.  At least he is on a team that will give him every opportunity to succeed; it’s not like Oklahoma doesn’t love a big forward.

27) Utah Jazz (via Denver Nuggets): Rudy Gobert, C, France

It shouldn’t be a shock that the scouts love the footwork and question the work ethic of a player from France, the country that brought you the Can-Can and the 35-hour work week.

28) San Antonio Spurs: Livio Jean-Charles, SF, French Guiana

In another move designed to keep San Antonio as the “United Nations” of the NBA…Either way, this guy is a project, so don’t expect to see him in the NBA for at least two years.

29) Phoenix Suns (via Oklahoma City Thunder): Archie Goodwin, SG, Kentucky

I don’t think the Suns needed to move up to get this guy, who was highly-recruited at “One-and-Done” Kentucky, largely because he was an underachiever there. He’s a “wait-and-see” guy at best.

30) Golden State Warriors (via Phoenix Suns): Nemanja Nedovic, PG, Serbia

Another European known for athleticism and versatility, but I’m not sold on this guy’s game translating to the NBA.

Second Round:

31) Cleveland Cavaliers: Allen Crabbe, SG, California

This is why they are the Cleveland Cavaliers. They need a point guard, so they draft a shooter. when they could have traded to get a point guard, they didn’t. When they finally did make a deal, they did it for future picks when they need to rebuild now.

32) Oklahoma City Thunder: Alex Abrines, SG, Spain

I think the Thunder see Ricky Rubio in this guy. In a year, they might be seeing Ricky Ricardo.

33) Cleveland Cavaliers: Carrick Felix, SG, Arizona State

Not a bad pick at this spot, but still waiting for that point guard to feed Anthony Bennett.

34) Houston Rockets: Isaiah Canaan, PG, Murray State

Probably the best religious sounding name since God Shammgod, but a better one for him would be David Goliath, because he loves to take on the big boys under the basket a bit too much.

35) Washington Wizards: (from Philadelphia 76ers): Glen Rice Jr., SF, Georgia Tech

Here’s the prototypical guy who could a be a great player in this league, and could also be a complete head case. Given the aforementioned luck of the Wizards, which do you think they get?

36) Sacramento Kings: Ray McCallum, PG, Detroit

McCallum has tremendous athleticism, but passes like a kidney stone.

37) Detroit Pistons: Tony Mitchell, PF, North Texas

Another freakishly good athlete with poorly-developed basketball skills. Should be a solid 7th or 8th guy on the bench.

38) Washington Wizards: Nate Wolters, PG, South Dakota State

I didn’t understand why this guy fell to the second round until I read USA Today’s assessment of him. See if you can spot the “code words.”

“Wolters is a big point guard with a great shot, but he will have trouble keeping up with the pace of the NBA. He may be able to play shooting guard at times, too, which could be good off the bench.”

In other words, he’s a white guy who isn’t from a former Yugoslav republic.

39) Portland Trail Blazers: Jeff Withey, C, Kansas

A tree of a shot-blocker, and also about as mobile as one. Watching him teamed with Meyers Leonard could be like seeing Frankenstein playing the Incredible Hulk.

40) Portland Trail Blazers: Grant Jerrett, PF, Arizona

Another pithy USA Today observation:

“Jerrett has a big frame and a great jump shot, but he left college after one season and will require patience. Still, in five years, he could be a starter if everything breaks right.”

That’s not exactly a ringing endorsement. What it really means is that in five years, this guy will be reaching things on the top shelf for the little old ladies who shop at Kmart. This is likely why Portland blue-light specialed him to Oklahoma City for cash.

41) Memphis Grizzlies: Jamaal Franklin, SG, San Diego State

Another guy who slipped out of a first-round projection, Franklin is another guy with off-the-chart athleticism. He has the body of a shooting guard, but has no perimeter skills. He plays like a power forward, which the Grizzlies are already stocked on.

42) New Orleans Pelicans (via Philadelphia 76ers): Pierre Jackson, PG, Baylor

Earl Boykins meets the D-League. And just hao many guards does this team need?

43) Milwaukee Bucks: Ricky Ledo, SG, Providence

This guy shows how desperate NBA teams are for talent. This guy never even played at Providence because of eligibility issues, and yet there were projection putting this guy in the low first round.

44) Atlanta Hawks (via Dallas Mavericks): Mike Muscala, C, Bucknell

Don’t look now, but the Hawks may have landed the steal of this draft.  He’s a solid athlete for a big and he is the best low-post scorer in this draft.

45) Portland Trail Blazers: Marko Todorovic, C, Serbia

He’s a big who can’t play the low-post. Odds are he never leaves Europe.

46) Denver Nuggets (via Utah Jazz): Erick Green, PG, Virginia Tech

My next pick for steal of the draft. This guy was of the year on in the ACC on team comprised of Green and four chunks of lunchmeat. Given some talent around him, he could really be an impact player in the NBA.

47) Atlanta Hawks: Raul Neto, PG, Spain

Another guy who draws Ricky Rubio comparisons, and for more reasons than he is just Spanish. He’s already playing at the top level in Spain, and his game could easily translate to the NBA.

48) Los Angeles Lakers: Ryan Kelly, PF, Duke

Another big from Duke…See Mason Plumlee.

49) Chicago Bulls: Erik Murphy, PF, Florida

A three-point shooting power forward who doesn’t like to get under the basket to rebound. Pass.

50) Miami Heat (via Atlanta Hawks): James Ennis, SF, Long Beach State

A far-end of the bench guy at best, but the Heat need depth.

51) Orlando Magic: Romero Osby, PF, Oklahoma

A solid front-court guy in college and can be a solid contributor on defense. But Orlando is where talent goes to be under-utilized, and role playesr get D-league tickets.

52) Minnesota Timberwolves: Lorenzo Brown, PG, N.C. State

This guy is first-round talent with a bar-league work ethic. The Wolves need depth at the point because of Ricky Rubio’s durability, but Brown is a risk. Then again, that’s what the second round is for.

53) Boston Celtics (via Indiana Pacers): Colton Iverson, C, Colorado State

Big and raw, but an imposing physical presence who will toughen anybody’s frontcourt. As a player, improved dramatically in one year at Colorado State after escaping Tubby Smith’s basketball graveyard in Minnesota.

54) Philadelphia 76ers (via Washington Wizards): Arsalan Kazemi, PF, Iran

Since Theo Ratliff and Dikembe Mutoumbo left towm, the 76ers clearly do not understand the “big” positions, and this pick proves that. Why would you draft a guy as a power forward who is a) a project at best, b) a rebounder over everything else and c) 6’7″ and too small to play power forward in the NBA?

55) Denver Nuggets (via Memphis Grizzlies) select: Joffrey Lauvergne, PF, Mulhouse

Denver gives up C Kosta Koufos for this draft pick and PF Darrell Arthur.  Lauvergne has all the hallmarks of another European big who won’t see the light of day in the NBA. If anybody can make sense of this trade, please let me know.

56) Detroit Pistons: Peyton Siva, PG, Louisville

The only reason this pick wouldn’t work for the Pistons is that they are the Pistons. Despite that, Maurice Cheeks should make this guy into a solid NBA guard.

57) Phoenix Suns: Alex Oriakhi, PF, Missouri

Oriakhi was part of the 2011 National Championship team at Connecticut, then transferred to Missouri. He’s another big frontcourt banger with limited basketball skill.

58) San Antonio Spurs: Deshaun Thomas, SF, Ohio State

A smart guy who can score who should fit well in the Popovich scheme of things, despite the fact he is too small to be a power forwards and a bit to clunky to be a small forward.

59) Minnesota Timberwolves: Bojan Dubljevic, PF, Montenegro

Dubljevic is a skilled player perfect for adding some frontcourt depth for Minnesota, especially with the free-agent departure of Andrei Kirilenko.

60) Memphis Grizzlies: Janis Timma, SF, Latvia

This guy isn’t even a factor in Latvia. The D-League is probably the best this guy can hope for.

About J-Dub

What your view of sports would be if you had too many concussions

2 comments on “The Dubsism Breakdown of the 2013 NBA Draft, or Why Your Team Blew It In 50 Words or Less

  1. Pingback: The Dubsism Breakdown of the 2013 NBA Draft, or Why Your Team Blew It In 50 Words or Less | Sports Blog Movement

  2. I’d be interesting in seeing what kind of futures Vegas puts out for rookie of the year. Nothing up yet, says the guy who just checked his service.

    Like

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