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J-Dub and Meehan Breakdown The 32 Proposed NFL Helmet Designs: The NFC

weird new helmet

by J-Dub and Ryan Meehan

There’s a company out there called Deeyung Entertainment which has taken it upon itself to offer new helmet designs for all 32 NFL teams.  These have been floating around various social media outlets for a while, but nobody has really taken a hard look at them.  J-Dub and Meehan have taken care of that for you.

The first thing you will notice about most of these designs is they look like they were done by the same people who make those gargantuan-print playing cards your nearly blind grandmother has.  That isn’t the only common theme, but If we told you all of them up front, you wouldn’t have any fucking reason to read this, now would you?

1) Arizona Cardinals

arizona cardinals

Meehan:

There’s nothing scary about Cardinals and there never will be. The only thing that will ever freak you out about that bird – other than the fact that Carson Palmer signed a $50 million dollar deal with the team, then blew out his ACL less than 72 hours later – is when they fly into your patio door due to the glare and then you have to scrape its corpse off of your deck. That being said, I do dig this one a lot. I like the “red scare” approach to the design.

J-Dub:

It looks like a giant blood clot with a bird face. But anything is an improvement over that “red canary” look they are sporting now.

The Verdict: Upgrade

2) Atlanta Falcons

atlanta falcons

Meehan:

I’m all for the Falcons having white helmets with white facemasks that they don’t get to change until they actually win something of value in the modern-day NFL. Between shitting the bed at home against Colin Kaepernick in the NFC title game two years ago and their only Super Bowl appearance coming at the hands of Chris Chandler, I think the Dirty Birds should have to wear these helmets until further notice.  That’s largely because they don’t deserve the awesomeness of the ones they currently have. But seriously, the Falcons have a great logo that looks good on almost anything except Pro Bowl jerseys. The all-white works here but like I said with that logo you almost can’t go wrong.

J-Dub:

This just looks like we made the change for the visually impaired. This helmet probably comes with a dog, a cane, and a discount bus pass. It sucks.

The Verdict: Split Decision

3) Carolina Panthers

carolina panthers

Meehan:

Total upgrade, and this might be the best one out of all of them. I don’t understand why Carolina doesn’t bust out the blue uniforms to match this more often. It’s a great color, and the easiest thing about being a good move is that fans who are our age still think Carolina is an expansion franchise. This one could set the tone for the next twenty years – it looks sharp as hell, and the black faceguard is tight.

J-Dub:

Meehan loves this helmet, but then again, Meehan drinks hand sanitizer. It may very well be one of the better designs in this bunch, but that’s because many of these designs are truly ghastly. I have to give it a thumbs up only because this design gets rid of the stupid striping on the current Panthers’ domes.

The Verdict: Upgrade

4) Chicago Bears

chicago bears

Meehan:

I absolutely cannot believe that I am about to say this, but this would be a great move for the Chicago Bears. If anybody could use a bit of a fast-forward into the next generation of the NFL, it’s a team owned by the McCaskey family. Plus, how could you not love the fact that from close distance the hole in the Bear’s mouth is going to reveal the player’s ear canal? That fact is also a slam dunk because Aaron Rodgers can drop his pants and just ride this one to glory.

J-Dub:

I could make hand-sanitizer-drinking joke #2, but I won’t, because Meehan is right about the fact the McCaskey’s could use a wake-up call to join the 21st Century.  But doing so with a helmet inspired by a medical diagram of a hemorrhoid isn’t the way to do it.

The Verdict: Split Decision

5) Dallas Cowboys

dallas cowboys

Meehan:

Whoever designed these helmets took a shit all over the NFC East when they did it, and taking a look at what would be the Cowboys’ helmets tells us loud and clear they forgot to wipe. While the dual-color fade looks fantastic on the Bears’ helmets, the color scheme here is too close on the wheel for it to not look like hot garbage. And at least the Chicago concussion-causers have a solid white color on the mask, whereas the Cowboys has a fade on the facemask itself? Unless that’s supposed to be an analogy for how the Tony Romo era seems to be panning out in Dallas, I don’t like it. Even then, we were doing jokes about this two years ago.

J-Dub: As a Philadelphia Eagles fan, I must agree with Meehan’s assessment of how these people handled the NFC East. Also, a s a Philadelphia Eagles fan, I must say that redesigning anything about the Cowboys’ uniform is like trying to keep a turd from stinking by painting it.

The Verdict: Downgrade

6) Detroit Lions

detroit lions

Meehan:

I’m back on the white horse again. I dig losing the silver here, and since Detroit has some rather CFL-like uniforms as of late, it would look catchy to boot. The white would distract the naked eye from all of the blues that are going on, and I’m not just talking about the city’s 15% unemployment rate. Now if they could only get Matthew Stafford to hold a playoff lead, maybe they’d really be on to something.

J-Dub:

Back on the white horse? All of a sudden, my writing partner is the Lone Fucking Ranger? I don’t mind this helmet so much, but it also isn’t the big problem here. There’s no way the Lions uniforms are in any way “CFL-like” because those teams can find companies willing to pay money to have their logos displayed on said uniforms, and I don’t think the people at Detroit’s own Hardcore Pawn have that kind of scratch.  Also, Detroit’s unemployment rate hasn’t been as low as 15% since before Lion legend Alex Karras was playing dad to that little black kid.

The Verdict: Upgrade

7) Green Bay Packers

green bay packers

Meehan:

Just as soon as I raised the name of the white hats on high, I warn these designers of the dangers of messing with tradition. You can’t change the fucking Green Bay Packers’ helmets. It’s going to look super dopey, and it will irritate the portion of their fan base not currently dying of alcohol poisoning to no end. The only thing worse than if they actually used these helmets in a game would be if they wore those dogshit 1930’s throwbacks to match.

J-Dub:

I can’t believe I’m about to agree completely with a guy who just said something as dopey as “white hats on high.” In two paragraphs, Meehan’s gone from the Lone Ranger to the Moody Blues circa 1967. That fact aside, he’s absolutely, undeniably correct on this one.

The Verdict: Downgrade

8 ) Minnesota Vikings

minnesota vikings

Meehan:

This is a great one. The only problem I can foresee here is how it might look in contrast to the “Purple People Eater” home uniforms, but this is a change so awesome it won’t even matter. The purple makes for a tough facemask, and the stripes down the middle seal the deal. I can sincerely say that I really hope this happens. Now if we could only get Craig T. Nelson and Jerry Van Dyke to coach that team back to being relevant like they did with the Minnesota State Screamin’ Eagles the NFC North would be the most interesting division on television.

J-Dub:

I really can’t top a “Coach” reference, so I will just say I’m in support of anything which gets rid of the “flying sperm cell” currently adorning Minnesota’s helmets.  Besides, that logo finds a way to make those “Swiss Miss” braids look bad-ass.

The Verdict: Upgrade

9) New Orleans Saints

new orleans saints

Meehan:

Fuck no. First off, there are two leaves of the fleur-de-lis that are cut off by the fact that the logo has been enlarged to the point where it is almost unrecognizable. And as much as I hate gold on just about everything, the Saints should probably stick with it. The facemask looks all sorts of stupid.

J-Dub:

Mrs. Dubsism is a Saints’ fan and she actually liked this helmet. Then again, she married J-Dub, so what the fuck could she possibly know? Bury these under the next generation of badly-constructed New Orleans levees and move on.

The Verdict: Downgrade

10) New York Giants

new york giants

Meehan:

Sweet Holy Mother of Jesus – no. First off, this one is way too busy. There’s too much red going on and it looks like an American flag skull-fucked the Wisconsin Badgers’ helmet. Staying within that same theme, we won’t get to New England’s lids until the AFC portion of this piece, but how is the Giants’ helmet justified as being more patriotic than that of the Patriots? It’s moments like this where I can honestly say that sometimes I think the terrorists did win. Bill O’Reilly and Sean Hannity could be tag-teaming Katie Couric on a dump truck full of dead ISIS recruits with Ted Nugent playing the National Anthem from his Humvee, and it still wouldn’t be nearly as Team America as these things.

J-Dub:

When Meehan’s right, he’s right.  The Giants would have had to make this change right after 9/11; that way the patriotic theme would have made it impossible to call out the fucking dreadful nature of these abominations.

The Verdict: Downgrade

11) Philadelphia Eagles

philadelphia eagles

Meehan:

To me, this seems like a desperate return to the way the Eagles’ helmets looked in the 1960’s, and it adds the obnoxious eagle – which I can only assume is supposed to represent a drunken Eagles fan yelling at the officiating crew – to the viewer’s eye level by sticking it right to the dome. But the real crime here is the fact they have removed the wings from the helmet…why? That’s the only cool thing about Philly’s old design, and if these helmets were adopted they would be gone. Just like that $100 million dollars they gave to Michael Vick that landed him number one on J-Dubs’ list of the 50 worst NFL free-agent signings.

J-Dub:

I’m pretty sure I’m the obnoxious Eagles fan Meehan’s talking about, and I would be proud to hurl batteries at those helmets. They suck.

The Verdict: Downgrade

12) San Francisco 49ers

san francisco 49ers

Meehan:

The 49ers just spent close to a billion dollars on a new stadium, and broke it in by letting Jay Cutler urinate in their Rice-A-Roni in their home opener. To make matters worse, they now will be facing a year where they will be hosting the Super Bowl, but will need a miracle to not be wearing T-shirts and khakis to that game. It does make sense that they made the “SF” logo bigger though, as one cannot over-emphasize the fact that heading into the 2015-16 NFL season they are “So Fucked.”

J-Dub:

This design might be the poster child for the “visually impaired” concept. Football logos are not breasts; bigger is not always better.

The Verdict: Downgrade

13) Seattle Seahawks

seattle seahawks

Meehan:

For the love of God, why are the Seattle Seahawks so dead set on making sure that their Chernoybl/Guacamole/Gonorrhea green ends up becoming more and more prevalent on their merchandise with every passing year? Why would a team who prides their self on such defensive mastery want to wear such “Hi-Visibility” helmets so every offense not in Tampa Bay could see them coming from five miles away?

J-Dub: Five years from now when Marshawn Lynch and Richard Sherman have been fined out of all their money, at least these helmets will match the vests they are wearing while they are working on a road construction crew.

The Verdict: Downgrade

14) St. Louis Rams

st louis rams

Meehan:

Where do I even start with this one? I’ll come at this from the front first, and just assume that it’s less than appetizing for the bars on your faceguard to look like steaming hot snot-ropes coming out of the logos’ nose. Now I’m all about going back to the throwback Rams jerseys, but you can’t have throwback colors with new-school logos. It makes older guys like J-Dub and myself throw up at the sight of such poor decision-making, and if you know anything about our decision making skills, you’ll know that’s about the meanest thing you can say about a professional sports franchise.

J-Dub:

Adopting a look like this should mean the Rams can never, ever, ever leave that reeking pisshole known as St. Louis.

The Verdict: Downgrade

15) Tampa Bay Buccaneers

tampa bay buccaneers

Meehan:

The argument could be made that this entire slideshow of photographs were inspired by the changes Tampa made to their helmets last year, magnifying the logo and ensuring  they have one of the top five draft picks every year over the next decade. But how in the world could the designer of these helmets remove that awful putrid copper color from them and the ending result actually winds up being worse than the original? Maybe their new logo isn’t working for them…I’ve never talked to a single person that disagrees, so perhaps it’s time for a complete overhaul.

J-Dub:

Our mutual blogger friend SportsChump is an avid Buccaneers fan, which means he sleeps every night in his Brad Johnson one-sie and prays twice a day to his home-built Jon Gruden shrine. That also means we don’t want to say anything too cruel here, but the same person who came up with this helmet design was also Warren Sapp’s financial planner.

The Verdict: Downgrade

16) Washington Redskins

washington redskins

Meehan:

To be brutally honest with you, it wouldn’t surprise me one bit if Daniel Snyder was a huge fan of this idea. The only thing dumber than counting on Robert Griffin the Third to carry your team to glory on glass legs would be to take a logo that some people view to be offensive and make it even more visible. Is the area rug maize pattern in the background supposed to make me think that perhaps they are throwing Native Americans a bone here after they refused to change the name? Because it doesn’t.

J-Dub:

You missed it entirely, Meehan.  Not only did they make the “offensive” logo larger, but the “area rug” pattern is to honor the smallpox-infected blankets the British Army gave to the Indians back in the French and Indian War in a primitive attempt to use bio-warfare to wipe them out.  Thankfully, it didn’t work. If it had, we would all have to go to Vegas for casino-style gambling and there would be nowhere to buy untaxed cigarettes.

The Verdict: Downgrade

The next installment – the AFC.

About J-Dub

What your view of sports would be if you had too many concussions

2 comments on “J-Dub and Meehan Breakdown The 32 Proposed NFL Helmet Designs: The NFC

  1. Ravenation
    March 3, 2015

    Reblogged this on First Order Historians.

    Like

  2. Pingback: J-Dub and Meehan Breakdown The 32 Proposed NFL Helmet Designs: The AFC | Dubsism

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This entry was posted on March 3, 2015 by in Humor, NFL, Sports and tagged , , , , .

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