Signs We Are Near The End Of Civilization: Now We Have Real Lawsuits From Fake Shark Attacks
In another example of “Alanis Morrissette-level” irony, we get this story during “Shark Week.” At least I still get to use my repertoire of “shark jokes.” Thanks to those assholes at the Discovery Channel and their decision to move “Shark Week” up a month, they’ve given me a problem with my annual “Shark Week” baseball trade deadline bit.
Without even knowing what you are about to read, you know it’s going to be good when it starts like this:
From the “Yes, this is real” file…
Right off the bat, you know that in about three paragraphs, you are likely going to have a sprained eyeball from rolling them so much. This story from Rebecca Piccadaro of the Miami Herald won’t disappoint.
Here’s the setup…
Miami Marlins fans are all too familiar with the Great Sea Race. At the sixth-inning break of every home game, fans can expect to see the four foam-rubber costumes of Bob the Shark, Spike the Sea Dragon, Julio the Octopus, and Angel the Stone Crab sprinting around the baseball field.
Seems innocent enough, doesn’t it. Mascots at a ballgame…what could go wrong?
But Beth Fedornak, who visited Marlins Park two years ago, did not expect to become the victim of a shark attack.
Now she has filed a lawsuit against the team.
Am I the only one who noticed it took this woman two years to file her lawsuit? I’m no lawyer, but that’s seems a bit suspect, doesn’t it?
Even this small town pizza lawyer thinks this is pretty shady.
Fedornak, from Bradenton, went to the ballpark to see the San Diego Padres play the Marlins on June 29, 2013. According to the lawsuit, Bob the Shark approached her and pretended to bite her head to excite the crowd of spectators.
Admit it. I’m not the only one who read this story and thought this was going to be about a pervert in a shark suit who tried to cop a free feel? But that’s not what happened.
She immediately felt pain in her neck “after the impact of the shark head down on top of her skull,” according to the court documents filed on June 12, 2015 by her attorneys from the firm Carl Reynolds Law.
Again, I’ve got to ask the question. If the pain was “immediate,” why wasn’t the lawsuit? One would think that “immediate” pain would mean “immediate” medical care, and therefore “immediate evidence for a personal injury suit. And why do I get the feeling that Carl Reynolds might be one of those attorneys who has offices all over the state and advertises on daytime television where he says shit like “call us for a free case evaluation” or “Se habla Español!” Probably because he is.
So, now that we have officially introduced the “ambulance chaser,” the next step is to put a dollar sign on the “pain and suffering” value.
The results of the encounter with the mascot have allegedly caused Fedornak either permanent or continuing injuries in her neck and back, cost her more than $86,000 in medical expenses, and impaired her ability to work, according to court documents.
Now, while 86 grand might sound like a lot of money, stop to consider this is over a two-year span, and it includes both medical expenses and lost wages. Once you add all that up, it becomes a reasonable suspicion this woman either:
- Doesn’t really have big medical bills
- Only works part-time or has a job which doesn’t pay very much
- Is trying to sell the idea this injury is disabling
After reading all this, you would expect the amount she’s suing for to be at least six figures. After all, she’s already claimed $86,000 in lost wages and medical bills, and it’s only natural to assume there’s going to be a need for on-going medical care and a continuation of her impairment to work. Not to mention, good ol’ Carl Reynolds needs to get his cut as well.
According to Local 10 news, staff members at Marlins Park were notified after the initial incident. Fedornak is said to be seeking $15,000 in damages.
So, let me get this straight. This woman is claiming two year’s worth of medical bills and the inability to work, and all she’s suing for is $15,000? That’s almost as big a joke as this:
Don’t tell me I’m the only one who thought of this…
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