The Seventh Annual Dubsy Awards

It’s become a tradition here at Dubsism to bring in the New Year by taking a look back the old one.  Every January since this blog was created, we here at Dubsism have given an award for achievements during the previous year in some under-recognized categories in the world of sports. In prior years, the nominations for the awards were done exclusively by an internal committee, but we’ve had so much success allowing nominations from the general public that we had no choice but to continue that.

Between our committee and our valued readers, we had more quality nominations than we could ever possibly use.  In fact, in previous years, we would publish these on New Year’s Day.  But we received over 50,000 nominations, and we simply weren’t ready for that.  But it means you are reading this blog, and thank you so much for that. When we received an outstanding nomination that proved to be a winner, we made sure to recognize those who submitted it. However, we did also receive nominations on multiple ballots that proved to be winners. If you see a winner that you nominated, and you weren’t credited, just know that you weren’t the only one who had the same idea.

More detailed information on last year’s winners can be found here.

With that, and after careful consideration, here are the winners of the Seventh Annual Dubsy awards.

The Mickey Klutts Award for Unfortunate Naming

• Winner: Guilherme Crabogiale Fuck, Forward, Medicine Hat College Men’s Basketball
  
• Honorable Mention: Edgar Allan Poe, Army Wide Receiver
  

We understand the name is actually Brazilian, and we accept the idea it isn’t pronounced how it looks to us in English.  However,  even the Queen of England herself would look at that name and have an instant “Beavis and Butthead” moment.

Then there’s the matter of Poe.  The famed 19th century writer of the same name was no football player, but he was a cadet at West Point until one morning when he showed up for morning formation in only his dress gloves.  We can only hope Poe the wide receiver ends up playing for the Baltimore Ravens, as the end of the jokes would be “nevermore.”

Previous Winner:  Jim Bob Cooter, Detroit Lions quarterbacks coach

The Bobby Knight Award for Achievements in Dramatic Public Meltdowns

• Winner: “Phyllis From Mulga”
• Honorable Mention: Vanderbilt head basketball coach Kevin Stallings

If nothing else, we appreciate passion here at Dubsism, and there’s really no doubting “Phyllis” has a boat-load of it.  Here’s hoping she also has a boatload of Lortab to keep her from machine-gunning a Waffle House. Also, while it isn’t terribly clever, we must fully support anything which derides that human sewer Colin “Cowturd.”

Much like the spread of sexually-transmitted diseases from farm animals to humans, passion runs deep in the SEC, as is evidenced by Kevin Stallings’ rant.  But here’s the thing.  Aren’t coaches supposed to yell at people? Isn’t that what they do?

Previous Winner: Pennsylvania sports anchor Mike Zambelli

The Bevo and Ralphie Award for Mascot Buffoonery

• Winner: Jaxson De Ville, Jacksonville Jaguars
  
• Honorable Mention: Booster the Rooster, Nashville Sounds

It is a bit of a misnomer to call this “buffoonery,” because golf is hard, and hitting big-time golf shots in a mascot costume in an accomplishment.  Yet, there’s something buffoonish about it, and that is why it is this year’s winner.

For real honest-to-goodness buffoonery, the Nashville Sounds were happy to supply all you could want.  To make a long story short, the team replaced their long-time and popular mascot Ozzie the Cougar with something called Booster the Rooster.  The bottom line to the opposition to Booster:

…a mascot shouldn’t be food.

Can’t really argue with that, can you? Nobody fears a mascot which is at it’s best breaded and deep-fried.

Previous Winner:   The New Orleans King Cake Baby

The Budd Dwyer Award for Excellence in Career Suicide

• Winner: Jeffrey Sirois, former Girls Soccer Coach, E.O. Smith High School
• Honorable Mention: Kristi Capel, Cleveland-area news bimbo
  

There’s so many layers of “wrong” in this year’s winning story it’s really hard top believe.  But it happened.

98% of people in the world masturbate.  The other 2% lie about it.  Given the explosion of cell-phones capable of taking video, you know that people taking videos of themselves “in the act” probably are more common than we might think. People in relationships might even be prone to share those videos with each other.  Hey, whatever works for you…were not here to judge.

But then in this case, things went wrong.  Horribly, horribly wrong.

Take the case of Jeffrey Sirois. At 3:30pm on the afternoon of September 25, 2014, the 57-year old soccer coach and grocery store owner unbuttoned his blue jeans. Sitting on the brown suede love seat in the living room of his Lebanon, Connecticut home, Sirois held his smartphone at arm’s length as he masturbated, recording a 10-second video clip of the act. Sirois sent the clip to his girlfriend, using the ephemeral messaging service Snapchat. He waited for confirmation that she opened the video on her own phone.

But no confirmation came. After several moments of waiting, Sirois wondered if he had made a mistake.

He checked his Snapchat history and realized the awful truth: instead of sending the message only to his girlfriend, Sirois sent it to all 30 people on his contact list, including at least six high school girls from the soccer team he coached at nearby E.O. Smith High School.

I’m pretty sure you can figure out why this guy’s never coaching girl’s soccer again.

However, this begs the question.  What’s funnier? Unintentional pervism or unwitting racism? Compare Coach Whack-a-Mole with Cleveland news anchor Kristi Capel for this little gem.

“Jigaboo” is one of our favorite racial slurs; it has all the fun a good slur should have, but without the straight-up vulgarity of “vitamin N.”

The best part isn’t this blow-dried bimbo has no idea what she’s just said…the best part is the non-reaction of the guy sitting next to her.

Previous Winner: Donald Sterling, former owner of the Los Angeles Clippers

The Ed Hochuli Award for the Best Call

• Winner: John Elway, head dude with the Denver Broncos for finally benching Peyton Manning (nominated by Ryan Meehan from firstorderhistorians.com)
  
• Honorable Mention: Former Los Angeles Dodger turned Arizona Diamondback Zach Grienke

The season started in Denver with the entire world outside of Bronco Nation painfully aware that Peyton Manning is finished.  But you could tell John Elway knew it, but he didn’t have the seeds to bench a future Hall-of-Famer until he simply couldn’t watch another four-interception performance.  Here’s how bad it got in Denver…as of this moment, Manning still leads the league in interceptions despite the fact he hasn’t played since before Thanksgiving.  He’s more done than the deep-fried mascot.

If you are a teammate of Zach Greinke, you are going to want to make sure you wash your hands after your drop a “Deuce.”  It seems in the Dodger Deuce-atorium, the Zach-ster appointed himself the hand-washing police.

“Some of you guys have been doing the number two and not washing your hands. It’s not good. I noticed it even happening earlier today. So if you guys could just be better about it, that would be great.”

That would be great.  Not only is he the handwash police, he went fill “Bill Lumbergh” on it.  However, as douchey as it seems, he’s right.  Wash your goddamn hands.  Nobody needs your nastiness.

Previous Winner: This guy in the Ray Rice “wife-beater” T-shirt

The Jason Sehorn Award for Being Completely Overrated

• Winner: Rob Gronkowski, Tight End, New England Patriots (nominated by “newbostonwillie”)
  
• Honorable Mention: The reputation of Philadelphia Eagle fans (nominated by “jerseygguy6256”)
  

Believe it or not, we here at Dubsism got thousands of nominations for “Gronk,” and out of those, there were many which offered commentary as to why. Out of those that were the most smartly written, there was a common theme; one that was best described by a reader known only as “newbostonwillie.”

I’m tired of listening to people tell me how great Gronkowski is. The other day, I head Belichick tell me how Gronk is the “best blocker he’s ever seen.” That’s fucking laughable. He’s coached guys like Matt Light and Logan Mankins, and yet this meathead is the best blocker you’ve ever seen? If that’s true, you’d better get a “60” number on him and get him on the offensive line, because Brady is getting killed lately.

I can already hear the twerpy stat-quoter who is going to tell me how many touchdowns and receiving yards Gronk has. Print that shit out on a roll so its useful for something. Are you going to tell me that without Gronk, none of that production would have happened? Bullshit. Tom Brady would have dealt those balls somewhere else. That’s what he does. That’s exactly what happens when Gronk is on the field, which happens a lot because Gronk is a guy who misses a lot of time due to injuries, and the Patriots win without him. Gronk being hurt had nothing to do with the loss to Philadelphia, and his return didn’t help against the Jets. Tell me about four catches for 80 yards and no score, Stat-boy.

This applies to ALL receivers. Quarterbacks make things happen, you just make catches. They call Gronk a tight end, but he’s just a receiver, and he does what all “receiving tight ends” do in the NFL. He’s just a big guy who can run and exploits the seam in the middle of the field that zone coverage gives you. Scott Chandler did a very nioce job of that against Philadelphia until Brady quit throwing the ball to him for some reason. Tyler Eifert does a better job of doing just that in Cincinnati.

Here’s some homework for you, Stat-boy. Go look at Gary Barnidge’s numbers as a tight end in Cleveland, then tell me about Gronk’s. And before you give me any bullshit about number of gam3s played, talk to me about who Gronk has getting him the football compared to who Barnidge has had.

Let me put it to you this way. In my garage, I have a classic “muscle car.” It’s sexy, loud, and a shitload of fun to drive. But it also isn’t the car I depend on to get me to workd every morning. Gronk is that classic car. He’s flashy, he’s a lot of fun to watch, but the Patriots can live without him.

Another nominator known  “jerseygguy6256” made a pretty good point about the reputation of Philadelphia sports fans, and we thought it was worthy of note.

So, if Philadelphia fans are the worst, then why does shit like this not happen in Phikladelphia?  Got some morons snorting cocaine at baseball game? That happened in Houston.  Got people getting in post-game brawls in the parking lot that end with a guy being shot in the head. Oh wait, that’s was Dallas. Got idiots running onto the field and take swings at cops? Nope, that was New Jersey. Tell me again how Philly fans are the worst?

Previous Winner:  The San Francisco 49ers

The Clinton-Nixon Award for Cover-Up Futility

• Winner: Sepp Blatter, former FIFA president
• Honorable Mention: The Akron RubberDucks (nominated by “bridgestoneguy97”)

There’s a huge amount of irony in the fact that Americans couldn’t care less about Sepp Blatter when it was the U. S. government’s investigation and subsequent indictments against several FIFA officials which ultimately led to the world soccer governing body to ban it’s own president from all soccer related activities for eight years.

Blatter was really beginning to look like he was made of Teflon.  FIFA under Blatter became a cavalcade of scandal, but nobody could ever get any charges against him to stick. The allegations include various forms of financial chicanery.  In June, the U.S. indicted several current and former FIFA officials and sports marketing companies for bribery and money laundering,  Blatter tried to avoid the hangman’s noose by announcing he would call for elections to choose a new FIFA president and that he would not run for re-election.

However, he made a back-door play to hang on to his office by stating he would remain in his position until a FIFA congress could be held for his successor to be elected.  The problem came when in September 2015, the Swiss government began formal criminal proceedings against Blatter regarding “criminal mismanagement and misappropriation”.  FIFA now had no choice but to suspend Blatter and his lieutenants, and in December 2015  the independent ethics committee of FIFA banned Blatter from taking part in any FIFA activities over the following eight years.

Now we go from the biggest story in world sport to a minor league baseball team in Ohio. Quite frankly, this could have all been avoided if the Akron RubberDucks had simply not skimped on a conducting a background check on a new hire.

The team on Monday announced the firing of Scott Foster, whom the team had hired earlier this month. The move followed a Beacon Journal inquiry into Foster’s hiring in light of sex offenses he committed in Medina as a teacher more than a decade ago.

It was in Medina where Foster, then 30 and a middle school teacher, was convicted in 2004 of sending unwanted, sexually explicit emails and making sexually suggestive comments to two 13-year-old girls at A.I. Root Middle School. He pleaded guilty to three felony counts of importuning and was sentenced to 180 days in jail. He also was ordered to perform community service and receive sex counseling.

He was labeled a sexually oriented offender, which required him to register his address for 10 years. That requirement has expired.

Maybe this guy will meet the Career Suicide award winner at their court-mandated therapy sessions.

Previous Winner: Roger Goodell and the mishandling of the domestic violence issue

The Charles O. Finley Award for Achievements in Cheap

• Winner: AFC Bournemouth, English Premier League
  
• Honorable Mention: Peter Karmanos, Owner, Carolina Hurricanes

The rise of AFC Bournemouth from the veritable basement of British soccer to the Premier League is nothing short of astounding.  In America, the equivalent would be a Single-A minor league baseball team getting promoted to the bigs.

Bournemouth narrowly avoided being relegated completely out of association football in the 2008–09 season.  The club was in such dire financial straits they left bucket around the stadium for fans to toss loose change into so the team could pay to keep the lights on. They were promoted to League One at the end of the 2009–10 season, and the next season they played their way to the League One play-off semi-finals.  Bournemouth finished in the middle of the League One table for the next two campaigns, but they earned  promotion to the Championship at the end of the 2012–13 season, putting them in the second tier of association football for only the second time in the club’s 69-year history.  They followed that promotion by winning the Championship title, thus earning their first-ever promotion to the Premier League.

Here’s the really fun part.  If Bournemouth can avoid relegation back to the Championship after this season, they are in line to collect a pay-out of somewhere around £250 million all Premier League team will collect as part of new television contract revenue.  Going in seven years from ice cream buckets full of loose change to enough money to buy a low-end NBA franchise is pretty damn amazing.

As for Karmanos, wel…this one is personal. Peter Karmanos getting into the Hockey Hall of Fame is like giving Dr. Josef Mengele the Nobel Prize for Medicine. You can tell me all the crap he did for junior hockey or whatever, that all just sounds like a lot “at least he made the trains run on time.”

Karmanos should never be forgiven for taking the Hartford Whalers out of Connecticut. By relocating that team to North Carolina, Karmanos was a major part of this exceptionally stupid expansion into the south the NHL did. He may not have been the vanguard, but by abandoning a loyal fan base in the heart of hockey territory in North America, he encouraged others to embark on an exercise in abject futility to expand the NHL south of the Mason-Dixon line.

Yeah, you can try to sell me on the fact the Carolina Hurricanes won a Stanley Cup, and you can talk to me about the success of the Tampa Bay Lightning, but that ignores a crucial fact. Those franchises are worth a fraction of what they would be if they were located in cities in “hockey territory.” Teams like Carolina and Tampa have some artificial inflation due to some on-ice success, but look at the teams that don’t share that. Nashville is on the fence, Atlanta already left for Winnipeg, Phoenix is a never-ending “stay or go” saga, and the Florida Panthers are the Kmart of the NHL. In other words, Karmanos made sure he got his while fucking over a lot of other people.

At this point, you’re asking what is the personal part. I used to work for Peter Karmanos. I will never forget how at a time the company is laying off people faster than Oprah’s weight yo-yos, Karmanos sent his Chief Operations Officer to “give the rally speech to the troops.” This person was a six-and-half-foot tall Bea Arthur clone who while I’m worried about my job security proceeds to tell me about how it’s my job to make sure she can keep her vacation home in Aspen and her kid in $300 sneakers.

I’ve always said mangers create cultures, and that those cultures are created from the top down. That’s should tell you all you need to know about what an ass-clown Peter Karmanos is.

Previous Winner: The Kansas City Royals

The Joe Kapp Award for Being Run Out of Town

• Winner: Pep Hamilton, former Indianapolis Colts’ offensive coordinator
  
• Honorable Mention: Rob Ryan, former New Orleans Saints’ defensive coordinator
  

For the longest time, I thought both of these guys were the biggest set of boobs since the late, great Anna Nicole Smith. Then I realized that somebody had to hire guys like this.

That was an important revelation, because then I knew that every hire has a reason behind it. Once you look at the backgrounds of both Hamilton and Ryan, it became pretty clear the reason these two found there way on to a NFL payroll in 2015 wasn’t merit.

So what could the reason to hire them be?

Never underestimate the power of scape-goatism. Think about it. In the case of Hamilton, his “claim to fame” was having been Andrew Luck offensive coordinator at Stanford. Nobody bitched about that when the colts were 11-5 and going to AFC Championship games. But the minute the Colts foundered and the star quarterbacks innards were being turned into blood sausage, guess who took the blame? With Rob “the Fat Pirate” Ryan, success was never in his range of expectations. To be fair, the comparison for what Ryan did with the Saints’ defense is he found a way to make a shit sandwich taste worse. But to be even more fair, don’t forget he started with a shit sandwich.

To be brutally fair, once you noticed around October both these guys were drowning in shit sandwiches, it also became hard not to notice nobody ever tossed these guys a life-preserver. That’s how guys like Sean Payton, Mickey Loomis, Chuck Pagano, and Ryan Grigson kept their jobs when they probably shouldn’t have. They had scape-goats.

Previous Winner: Former New York Jets’ head coach Rex Ryan

The Bobby Layne Award for Best Performance While Drunk

• Winner: Steven Anderson, Zamboni Driver
• Honorable Mention: Former USC Head Football Coach Steve Sarkisian

Police were called to the arena around 8 p.m. after other employees called to say a spectator reported what he thought was erratic behavior by the driver as he maneuvered the big machine on the ice.

How the fuck do you tell what “erratic behavior” is while driving a multi-ton machine on wet ice?  Did he crash through the boards? Did he run over a goalie?  Give the guy a break already.  If the highlight of your week is driving the Zamboni, you’d be pissed up most of the time as well.

As for Exhibit B, we’re turning this over to regular Dubsism contributor Ryan Meehan, who almost won the Ed Hochuli Dubsy for Best Call on this description of the Sarkisian affair.

During USC’s September 26th blowout  win against Arizona State, several of the USC assistant coaches had reported that the head coach had been severely intoxicated during that game. Around the same time, Sark the Shark also managed to show up to a booster event hamdoggered as a motherfucker and gave a profanity-laced speech.

But as far as a best performance? If he was that drunk and they still won that game by four touchdowns, it’s pretty hard to top that.

Again, I win if you can’t catch me…

Previous Winner: Olympic Swimmer Michael Phelps

The Artis Gilmore Award for Achievements in Hair Boldness

• Winner: The kids shown in this video from this year’s Minnesota State High School Hockey Tournament
• Honorable Mention: Antonio Brown, Wide Receiver, Pittsburgh Steelers

Honestly, the video speaks for itself.

As far as Antonio Brown is concerned, all we can say is this look like “black guy dressing for Halloween as a Lego block.”

Previous Winner: Orlando Magic guard Elfrid Payton

The Kyle Orton Award for Achievements in Partying

• Winner:  Former Major League outfielder Pat Burrell
  
• Honorable Mention: Johnny Manziel
  

Forget those guys you see catching a foul ball while hanging on to their beer. That’s what they are supposed to do. If you are at a baseball game, you have one job: catch any ball which comes at you. If you choose to fill your hands with beer or babies, your job doesn’t change.

That’s why this is even more impressive. He wasn’t called Pat “Hands” Burrell; he was called “Pat the Bat.” The guys we mentioned earlier just have to stand there and catch the ball. To pull this off, Pat to negotiate the twists and turns of the water slide, dodge obnoxious floaty-wearing rugrats, all while not sloshing a drop of that precious pick concoction. Don’t let the color fool you, either. Five will get you ten that there enough brain-erasing grain alcohol in that stuff to blind a water buffalo, and ten will get you twenty that ain’t “The Bat’s” first hit of the day.

Deflecting a screaming line-drive with the skull of a newborn is nothing compared to that. That’s why they have those soft spots in their heads.

To handle the Manziel situation, once again we turn to Ryan Meehan:

And to be honest with you, I think this is really, really fucking sad because I bet that when it comes down to it this kid probably can’t even hang. Kenny Stabler would crawl out of his grave and beat some of these ESPN talking heads to death with what’s left of the spots on his liver if he heard how this guy is “sick” and has a problem. Give me a break. That being said, the guy seems incredibly dedicated to his alcohol use so I am nominating him for that if nothing else.

This is why Mr. Meehan deserves an award far and above that which the Dubsys can offer,  Ryan Meehan needs to be the world first recipient of the Nobel Prize for Combating Bullshit.

Previous Winner: Marshawn Lynch

The Vasily Alexseyev Award for Plus-Sized Achievement

• Winner:  Ben Ancheff, Pitcher, St. Thomas University (Florida)
• Honorable Mention: LaQuan McGowan, Tight End, Baylor University

Last year, this award went to another pitcher, Bartolo Colon of the Mets. This year, we went younger and bigger. Ben Ancheff of St. Thomas University (Florida) is simply not to be believed. Forget the fact he’s 6’2″, three-hundred-something. This guy is a legitimate big-time (pun not intended) pitcher. Once again, the video speaks for itself.

The theme of “bigger” and “not to be believed” extends to Baylor tight end LaQuan McGowan. We can’t beleive that at 6’7″, 410 pounds he’s not an offensive lineman. The last big-time football player to be listed at over 400 pounds was Aaron Gibson…we won’t even address what the Houston Texans are trying to sell us about Vince Wilfork. What’s not to be believed is while Gibson and Wilfork wrote the book on immobility. McGowan actually manages to be useful in a fast-paced passing attack. Granted, he’s a UPS truck in a world of Ferraris, but then again, it’s a real bitch to deliver packages in a mid-engine coupe.

Previous Winner: Jared Lorenzen, quarterback of the Arena League’s Northern Kentucky River Monsters

The Jamie Moyer Award for Excellence in Geriatrics

If you’ve been a regular reader of Dubsism, then you know this blog was the home of the Jamie Moyer for the Hall of Fame campaign.  Given that, it only makes sense that since we have an award for the accomplishments of big guys, we should have one for old guys. Who else could we name an old guy award for than the oldest player to tally a major league run, RBI, and win?

• Winner: Bartolo Colon, Pitcher, New York Mets
  
• Honorable Mention: Jack Nicklaus
  

About J-Dub

What your view of sports would be if you had too many concussions

View all posts by J-Dub →

2 comments on “The Seventh Annual Dubsy Awards”

1. SportsChump

   January 12, 2016

   

   Wasn’t Kellen Winslow busted for masturbating in public too? His own car, with some lube and porno mags in the passenger seat?

   Someone should probably inform Kellen “I’m a soldier (and a masturbater)” that there’s this thing called the internet when porn flows freely.

   Side note, I wonder if Sepp Blatter will be raped in prison.

   And finally, I really would liked to have seen Manziel win the award for partying if for nothing else consistency and moustache/wig originality. I mean, you not giving him the award is like Jordan not winning MVP when he was clearly the best player in the league but we had just grown tired of giving him the award.

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   Reply
   • J-Dub

     January 12, 2016

     

     The wig thing with Manziel simply came to light too late…

     LikeLike

     Reply

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