Suppose President Trump Selected an “All-Sports” Cabinet…
Now that Donald Trump is the official Republican candidate for President of the United States, it is time to seriously consider what the Trump White House cabinet might look like. Better yet, what if President-Elect Trump as part of his “Make America Great Again” slogan, he says something like “Sports is one of the only things left in this country which works, so I’m going to let sports people help get this country back on the right track.”
That may not be the most likely scenario, but that won’t stop us here at Dubsism, the most interesting independent sports blog on the web, from doing our civic duty and nominating just such a cabinet. Bear in mind as you read this list, we stuck to the order of succession for cabinet members to ascend the to the presidency, after the elected offices of Speaker of the House and President Pro Tempore of the Senate.
Vice-President: Indianapolis Colts’ head coach Chuck Pagano
We are well aware of the fact that Trump has already made his VP pick, but it’s clear from said pick he is on-board with the Dubsism concept here. Mike Pence is like Pagano in the sense that he’s another guy from Indiana with the personality of a styrofoam cup. Pence and Pagano are also the perfect “opposites” for Trump; after all, Trump is rich, successful, dynamic, and a bit of a blowhard. Chuck “Can’t Beat the Patriots” Pagano couldn’t even successfully die from leukemia.
Conveniently enough, H. Dumpty Pagano comes with his own wall.
Secretary of State: Basketball legend Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
We are well aware of the fact that Mr. Jabbar is not in political stride with Trump…he just publicly endorsed Billary Clinton. Frankly, we don’t give a shit about that because at some point, whoever inherits the Oval Office will need to learn to work with people who don’t necessarily agree with them. That’s why it’s called the art of the deal. Besides, this position requires a statesman, not just some broad whose only differentiation from her husband is that she has her own built-in place to put cigars. But the fact remains despite ideological differences, Jabbar can work with people and he has universal respect.
Secretary of Treasury: Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban
This isn’t going to be the first example of a guy with a lot of money being in the cabinet of a billionaire, but the common theme here is it’s time to get over this stupid “crab in the bucket” mentality about wealth and start accepting the fact that the way to make life economically better for everybody is to listen to people who know how to make money. Cuban went from college graduate buried by student loans to billionaire…maybe he knows a bit more about economic growth than a bunch of under-achievers who want 15 bucks an hour for fucking up “no mayo” on a Whopper.
Secretary of Defense: Buffalo Bills head coach Rex Ryan
Yeah, we know Rex knows as much about offense as the average Black Lives Matter member knows about Amish agriculture. But Rex gets defense, and he is the fucking master of trash-talking. I can’t wait to see him on Iranian television with his pirate-looking brother talking about how they are going to gorilla-stomp Teheran back into the stone age. It would have to look something like the Road Warriors working the mike with “Mean” Gene Okerlund.
Attorney General: NFL general counsel Jeff Pash
This might be the most obvious nomination on this list. Anybody who spends every day of his life pulling Roger Goodell’s head out of his own ass and who could make that “Deflate-gate” nonsense stand up in court knows the fucked-up nature of our legal system better than anybody.
Secretary of the Interior: Pan-unionist basketball coach Larry Brown
Larry Brown knows more about America because he’s had every coaching job in this country, and therefore has lived in every reasonably important locale we have to offer. He can take care of the interior of this country since he’s seen every inch of it.
Secretary of Agriculture: Former NFL offensive lineman Jason Brown
In 2009, Jason Brown signed a five-year, $37.5 million contract with the St. Louis Rams that made him the highest-paid center in the NFL. Brown traded in the NFL for a 1,000-acre farm in Louisburg, North Carolina, where he donates his production to help to feed the hungry. This guy is a role model for all the people out there who want change because things don’t get done by posting shit on your Facebook page. They get done by getting off your ass and putting your sweat where your money and mouth are.
Secretary of Commerce: New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft
Once again, this cabinet embraces people who understand how to grow businesses and create wealth and jobs. Robert Kraft took a a franchise which was ranked in the bottom five in the NFL and converted it into a top five franchise in worth, all while using state-secured loans to build a stadium while convincing people it was self-financed. That’s ballsy and pure, uncut, genius.
Secretary of Labor: NFLPA president DeMaurice Smith
It’s another fairly obvious pick here for a guy who has spent every waking moment of the past few years butt-fucking Roger Goodell. Think about it…this guy has made the player’s union gargantuan and powerful against a business which has doubled it’s operating revenue in less than ten years. That’s impressive.
Secretary of Health and Human Services: Dr. James Andrews, the inventor of “Tommy John” surgery
This guy has fixed more joints than Snoop Dogg and Cheech and Chong combined, so who better to fix America’s disjointed health care system?
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development: Stan Kroenke, owner Los Angeles Rams
Not only did Kroenke just make the Rams’ move into one of the biggest real estate development projects ever, but he did it in an environment where everybody in various levels of government was trying to rip him off. Plus, he did it in a way that guarantees revenue streams for everybody involved for at least a decade to come.
Secretary of Transportation: Mark Davis, owner Oakland Raiders
This might not make sense at first. That is, until you stop and think about how many times the Davis regime under the patriarch Kim-Jong Al the Raiders have changed addresses. Everybody remembers the Oakland-Los Angeles-Oakland Cha-Cha-Cha, but many won’t recall the Raiders original move from San Francisco’s Kezar Staduim across the bay to Oakland, or how dangerously close we came to the “Minnesota” Raiders at the outset of the American Football League. Top it off with the fact that Kim-Jong Al, Jr. is ready to take the Raiders on the road to Las Vegas, and it seems there really isn’t a better person in the sports world who understands the logistics of transportation. Shit, he probably owns his own U-Haul franchise.
Secretary of Energy: Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones
As a life-long Philadelphia Eagle fan, I love Jerry Jones for keeping the Cowboys wrapped in mediocrity for the best part of two decades. Having said that, you might ask why I would nominate such a seeming boob for such an important job? Because before he was fucking up a football team, he knew enough about the oil and gas business to go from an Arkansas clod-hopper to buying the Cowboys with a dump truck full of cash.
Secretary of Education: Former Tennessee Titan Myron Rolle
Doesn’t it make sense to put a really smart guy in charge of education? Rolle graduated with a bachelor’s degree from Florida State in only 2.5 years. Then, he was granted a Rhodes scholarship at Oxford University, where he earned a master’s degree in medical anthropology. Currently, Rolle is the chairman of the nonprofit Myron L. Rolle Foundation which dedicated to aiding children and families in need.
Got a better pick?
Secretary of Veterans Affairs: NFL Hall of Famer Roger Staubach
Staubach shares a trait with Kareem Abdul Jabbar…nobody who ever met the man doesn’t like and respect him. Not only is this country in need of people who can work with others, but Staubach’s resume is perfect in this case. He’s a Naval Academy graduate, served in the Navy with distinction, a Heisman trophy winner, Super Bowl Champion, and an NFL Hall of Famer. The guy knows how to succeed…even if he was a fucking Dallas Cowboy.
Secretary of Homeland Security: NBA Hall of Famer Shaquille O’Neal
Here’s a guy with a whole bunch of real law enforcement training having been through the reserve officer training programs with Los Angeles County, Miami Beach, and others. He was given the title of honorary U.S. Deputy Marshal as recognition for his work with the Safe Surfin’ Foundation, which tracks down sexual predators who target children on-line. O’Neal also holds a Ph. D. in human resource management from Barry University. In other words, he understand law enforcement, security, and how to administrate an organization.
…and for one last non-Cabinet touch…
White House Spokesman: San Antonio Spurs head coach Gregg Popovich
The reason why “Pops” makes the perfect spokesman can be summed up in three words: Two-word answers.
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These suggested appointees are probably better suited than the ones Trump will end up picking.
God help us all.
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That’s the best you’ve got? #BartenderLivesMatter
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Not all of them do, Dub. I’ve worked with some real winners.
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