What your view of sports and life would be if you had too many concussions
Editor’s Note: Mr. McGrath has long and storied history in the management of professional sports franchises, most notably as the general manager of the Charlestown Chiefs of the now-defunct Federal League.
As a general manager, it’s always been my job to look for every possible revenue stream. When I was running the Charleston Chiefs, you have to understand you aren’t going to make all your money from tickets, and there was no such thing as TV money in minor-league hockey back then. So, you had to make a buck where you could.
I’m saying this because the sports world is full of guys who don’t understand they are…for lack of a better term…leaving money on the table.
1) Ryan Lochte – Get Into Corporate Sales
The upside for you is there’s no such thing as infamy anymore in America. Thanks to the Kardashians, you can still become a media sensation even though you are a completely useless piece of shit. Your problem, Mr. Lochte, is you cashed that chip going on Dancing With the Stars. That only helps you if you win, and even then, that’s a short-lived ride.
After what happened the other day, what you need to deal with is America thinks you’re a douche-nozzle, and it’s a special type of douche-iness which has limited market appeal. Luckily, you’re a good-looking, well-spoken guy who honestly believes he can talk his way out of anything. There’s one great place for that kind of douche-baggery; you need to be in sales. And by that, I don’t mean some dickwack selling Toyotas. I’m talking about big-time corporate sales. Think the Alec Baldwin character from GlenGarry Glen Ross and you’ve got the idea.
2) Rob Gronkowski – Join the WWE
You’ve got two big advantages here. One, “Gronk” is already a brand, and it would be so easy to get it out of the NFL and take it to a place where you could make some serious money on it.
Second of all, you’ve got charisma. There’s a perfect place where you can combine that brand with your personality and become an icon.
Seriously…fuck the NFL. The next shithead I’m going to mention on this list has already got more guaranteed money from the NFL than you’re ever going to see, and there’s a lot of reasons for that, which is exactly why you’re wasting your time with football. More importantly you’re not maximizing your income potential. You need to join the WWE.
Think about it. You could be the biggest star that organization has had since Hulk Hogan. Better yet, you can be the next “Rowdy” Roddy Piper. We just call you “the Gronk” and the money pump won’t stop. Merchandising alone could be worth more than you’ll ever make from football. Couple that with media sales (DVDs, Cable TV, Pay Per View, even the “Gronk-Cast”) and we’re talking hundreds of millions of dollars over time. By the way, that’s not even counting what the actual wrestling makes.
3) Colin Kaepernick – Follow “The Gronk,” Take the Coconut
Face it, your days of making money in football are numbered. Your days of being anything are numbered as well, unless you do one thing. Follow Rob Gronkowski into the WWE. Every hero needs a “bad guy” foil. Gronk gets his crowd of “Ameri-Gronkans” all whipped up, you hit him with a folding chair, then then he beats you in the end. You can be the next “Iron Shiekh”-type heel Americans loves to scream at.
I get you may not like the idea of being the bad guy and not getting top billing, but’s lets face facts. You put yourself in that position, and there’s good money in being a “Jimmy Snuka,” a.k.a. the guy who “takes the coconut.” Like Lochte, America hates you and I’m showing how to make it work for you.
4) Rex Ryan – Coach College Football
Seriously, Rex…the wheels are going to come off this thing in Buffalo sooner than you think. No matter what happens, you’ve been set up to be the scapegoat yet again. You could get another NFL job because I know you are one of those guys who interviews well. But why go get another shitty job you’re just going to get fired from in three years anyway?
Think about this. There’s going to be some big-time college jobs coming open this year, and that’s where your bombastic style works the best. College players respond to that stuff because college coaches have all the power. Better yet, college fans eat that “smack-talk” stuff up, especially if you can get a job at a place where you don’t have to drive the culture. That was your big problem in New York, and it’s becoming clear you’re going to be the fall guy for two decades of buffoonery in Buffalo.
Depending on how this season shakes out in the college game, there could be tailor-made gigs open for you, and more importantly, your style. You’re a “larger than life” character which will make you a monster in the recruiting game, which is what college football is all about. Look at it this way. Nick Saban was one of the shittiest NFL coaches in recent history, but he’s done pretty well for himself in the SEC.
You could be next. Not to mention, there’s a lot of college coaches cashing bigger checks than their NFL counterparts.
5) Tim Tebow – Politics is Your Future
This one is such a “no-brainer.” First, play out the baseball thing as far as it goes. Same with the commentary gig on the SEC Network. But never forget that unless you do something which screws up the image you’ve built for yourself up to this point, you could get elected Governor in Florida pretty much anytime you wanted.
Face it. Florida is a state which places football heroes on a pedestal. The NFL hasn’t mattered in the Sunshine State for over a decade; and the same can said of “The U.” Steve Spurrier to just too damn old, which also applies to Florida State’s Burt Reynolds and Lee Corso. On the other side, Jameis Winston is too young, and…well, we all know he’s got other problems.
There’s just one other thing, Timmy. Get married…and the sooner the better. People are starting to talk.
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