What your view of sports and life would be if you had too many concussions

Guest Column: Jim Rockford Exposes Who Is Really Behind the Colin Kaepernick Story

Editor’s Note: Mr. Rockford is a private detective based in Malibu, California. We here at Dubsism have retained Mr. Rockford at his standard rate of two hundred dollars a day plus expenses to investigate matters of crime and other general shadiness in the world of sports, then report back to us when needed. If you would like to contact Mr. Rockford, at the tone, leave your name and number and he’ll get back to you

Anybody who knows me knows I’m a huge football fan. It was an early Christmas present for me when my Rams finally came home to Los Angeles. I’m planning on going to as many games as I can because there’s something nostalgic about having pro football back in the Coliseum. Unfortunately, the first game for the again Los Angeles Rams was on the road in San Francisco. You know my cop buddy Dennis Becker; we drove up together for the game.

That’s when I saw something that seemed odd, and I can’t put my finger on why. There’s a really strange realtionship between San Francisco 49ers head coach Chip Kelly and now-infamous quarterback Colin Kaepernick.

What tripped my trigger is normally, the back-up quarterback is usually somewhere near the coach on the sidelines. But these two guys have almost nothing to do with each other. It’s hard to pick this up on television, but these guys seem like they are other planets…with one exception. When they come out of the tunnel, they are right next to each other, then Kaepernick goes and does his kneeling routine. The whole thing looked choreographed, and I couldn’t figure out why.

I talked Dennis’ ear off about this on the drive back to L.A., and right about Pismo Beach it hit me. Chip Kelly put Kaepernick up to this whole thing.

Of course, being a cop, Dennis thinks I’m talking out of my hat since I don’t have a shred of evidence to back this up.  So, I ran this past J-Dub since as an Eagles fan, I know he hates Chip Kelly more than stubbed toes and the smell of burnt popcorn combined.  He told me to write my theory and see what the Dubsists think.

Go back a few years when in Philadelphia, Kelly was getting called a “racist” because he was getting rid of players that “weren’t his kind of guys.” We all know there’s a lot of race-based “witch-hunting” going on in this country, and I don’t think Kelly is a racist. He’s a guy whose been a college coach, which means he’s used to dealing with kids who have to treat him cringing respect because college coaches have all the power. He gets to the NFL where the he doesn’t have as much power and many of the players make more than he does.

In Philadelphia, Kelly got rid of guys who didn’t bow to his authority. That usually means guys who are outspoken about things. Well, what do you think Kaepernick is? To understand my “theory of the crime,” you have to take the assumption Kelly wants to get rid of Kaepernick as a given.


Kelly’s time in Philadelphia was an exercise in fooling around with the quarterback position. So, not only should anybody not be surprised Kaepernick wouldn’t be Kelly’s “kind of guy,” but his being a quarterback only doubles-down on that. But there’s a fly in the ointment. Kelly can’t get rid of Kaepernick on his own because that lizard of a GM Trent Baalke gave him all that money. But if he can find a way for Kaepernick to take himself out, that’s a “win-win” for Kelly. Doubt that? Then why are the 49ers trying to renegotiate Kaepernick’s contract as we speak?

One thing that really hasn’t been talked about too much in this Kaepernick “taking a knee” is why is he doing it now? Part of that could easily be Kelly putting him up to it, but that simply begs the “why now?” question again. After all, why couldn’t Kelly hatch a scheme earlier than this?

Another thing not getting much press is Kaepernick’s girlfriend. She’s some purple-haired Bay Area radio personality who isn’t checking the “Caucasian” box on a job application and she’s big into socially-active causes, if you know what I mean.

Now, you gotta follow me close here. Think whatever you want about Chip Kelly, but the guy didn’t get to where he is by not getting 20-somethings to do what he wants, and what better motivator for a young guy in the prime of his life is there than sex?

The only problem with my theory at that point is where’s the catalyst…what makes it all come together? That’s where I think J-Dub hit the nail on the head. I’m whiter than a mayonnaise sandwich on Wonder Bread, but J-Dub’s “prove your blackness” thing is valid. Go read that article; he speaks to that much better than I can.  However, if you don’t read it, a lot of this won’t make sense.

Anyway, ask yourself a question. Who would know how that dynamic works more than a football coach. Don’t think for a minute that guys who succeed at the college level coaching football don’t know exactly how the thought process of young men works, regardless of the their background.  Take a mixed-race kid, who by definition in America has “acceptance” issues, give him a socially-active girlfriend, and put him a in a locker room full of “real” black guys who resent him for both being “accepted” by white America and being a quarterback who got a stadium-full of guaranteed money, and what do you get? Chip Kelly might as well be a Catholic priest to Kaepernick’s altar boy most likely to be bought off with a few Hershey bars.

Now, this is the part where you and Dennis call “bullshit” because the 49ers just named Kaepernick as the starting quarterback.  This is the part where you say that screws up my theory.  It’s exactly the opposite.  It works like this. Getting him on the field is Plan B. Am I the only one who sees the setup here? Walk through it with me. If you can’t get the guy off your hands with his “take a knee” crap, why not get him hurt on the field?

Think about it. First, they got him to renegotiate his contract which removed a bunch of guaranteed money and his injury protection. Right after you get that, you decide he’s your new starting quarterback. Nobody’s going to question that move because of how badly Blaine Gabbert has played. The topper is your putting him on the field against a team playing solid football right now with a punishing defense. Oh, not to mention who better to be in on a WWE-style conspiracy than Rex and Rob Ryan. We’re talking about two good, ol’ boys from Kentucky who probably wouldn’t mind knee-capping “Mr. Take A Knee.”

Don’t tell me that the NFL’s version of The Bushwackers aren’t the perfect guys for such a folding-chair-to-the-head move.  Even if it isn’t Loudmouth McSweatervest and The Fat Pirate, you know there’s a guy in this league who is dying to give Kaepernick a head-high dose of “patriotism.” Even if you don’t want to buy the conspiracy angle of this, you can’t tell me Kaepernick doesn’t stand a good chance of getting killed behind an offensive line made mostly of chewed bubble gum and lawn clippings.

Either way, it isn’t hard to figure out that Chip Kelly doesn’t want anything to do with Kaepernick..unless somehow he turns the fortunes of that sorry-ass team. I think we both know turning the 49ers around will take a conspiracy much bigger than anything I can dream up.

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About J-Dub

What your view of sports would be if you had too many concussions

2 comments on “Guest Column: Jim Rockford Exposes Who Is Really Behind the Colin Kaepernick Story

  1. SportsChump
    October 17, 2016

    Should be another interesting week of chatter as a) Kelly has named him starter for another week and b) my beloved Buccaneers travel West to the land of the kneelers to play him.

    Would it be wrong to hope they pound him into submission?


    • J-Dub
      October 17, 2016

      If it meant submission, I would hope somebody puts a Figure Four leg-lock on him.


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This entry was posted on October 12, 2016 by in Humor, NFL, Sports and tagged , , , , , .

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