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Coaches Death Watch 2016 – “The Should Get Fired But Won’t” Edition

coaches death watch 2016

By Jason From Indiana (JFI)

Welcome to the latest installment in the Coaches’ Death Watch.  My part in all of this is to play psychic and predict what coaches will fall before the end of the season.  This series also features a poll in which you get to do the same thing.

This poll is for who will actually get canned first.  Later on, I’ll have others where you get to say if  you agree with me or not on this list.

But in the original poll, you’ll notice the “Other” option.  As J-Dub mentioned in the last installment, we’ve received many write-in votes, and that got me thinking about some guys who I believe should have been fired a long time ago, but won’t for a host of reasons. Some of these guys were write-ins. and some weren’t. That’s why I have a list of guys I call the “Snickers” coaches…because they’re not going anywhere for a while, even if they should be.

Mike Tomlin 

Why He Should Get Fired:

For starters, because he has 1 playoff win in the past 5 years, and that was a “Jelly of the Month Club” gift from the next guy on this list.  Then there’s the fact if there were an award for the worst game plan, Tomlin should have won it for allowing Tim Tebow to do the ONE thing he’s good at, which cost the Steelers yet another play-off loss.

jelly-of-the-month-club-meme

The once-proud and disciplined Steelers are now a festival of sloppiness under Tomlin, and that starts with starting with the coach himself.  don’t forget about the time he got fined “accidentally” wandering on to the field and interfering in a kick return against Baltimore.   It goes on from there. Remember that riot during last year’s Bengals-Steelers play-off game? Remember whose assistant coaches were in the middle of it, and not as peacemakers?

Stuff like that is why nobody should be surprised that the Steelers rack up a load of suspensions, and I can see one on the horizon for Antonio Brown if he doesn’t stop having sex with invisible people every time he scores. Tomlin’s response to this is not to tell Brown to knock the shit off, but to go to the league and ask what is and isn’t allowed.  Need I say more?

At the top  of all this is the fact the Steelers defense stinks, especially the secondary, which is a problem because Tomlin is supposed to be a defensive guru.  You can get away with outscoring opponents 38-34 in the regular season, but that rarely works in the play-offs…which is how you get one play-off win in the last five years.

Why He Won’t:

Because the media loves him.  They could find the bones of the Lindbergh baby in his recycling bin, and ESPN would call him the world’s greatest cold-case detective. The Rooney family seems to share that feeling as well, so son’t expect to see Tomlin on the “real” Coaches’ Death Watch in the near future.

Marvin Lewis

Why He Should Get Fired:

It’s very simple. “Messy Marvin” is a worse play-off coach than Mike Tomlin.  Cincinnati Kitties haven’t won a playoff game under Lewis despite having ass-loads of talent. You can blame Andy Dalton if you want, but this team as a whole consistently shrinks in big games faster than George Costanza in a swimming pool.

The bottom line is this team has one of the most talented rosters in the league; they have 2 good running backs, one of the best offensive lines in football, a stud wideout, and when Tyler Eifert is healthy, he’s one of the best weapons at tight end in the league.  Dalton may not be great, but he’s good enough. and the Kitties still can’t get the job done.

Why? Because of what they don’t have… a head coach who knows how to close the deal. Despite that, the powers that be in Cincinnati have crowned Lewis football king of the “Queen City” for life.

Why He Won’t:

marvin-lewis-wkrap-in-cincinnati

Because of Sam Wyche.  “Messy Marvin” is the only Bengal coach since Sam Wyche who didn’t suck out loud.  He doesn’t win in the play-offs, but at least he gets there often enough to keep Bengal fans fond enough of him to not want to risk a return to the Dave Shula era.

Jason Garrett

Why He Should Get Fired:

Two of my biggest criticisms of a coaches’ performance are poor clock management and not playing to your opponent’s weakness. Garrett violates both of these on a weekly basis, and has been for years. He’s had a top-flight offensive line for the past 3 or 4 years, and yet until he was forced into it this year, refused to run the ball.  Instead, he kept opting to help Tony Romo build up his frequent flyer miles at the bone graft clinic.  As a result, Tony Romo has actually had more bones treated than Tony Roma’s.

There’s piss-poor clock management all over the NFL, but Garrett has made it an art form.  His team’s always end up with timeouts at the end of games when they need them, which means he can’t get personnel on the field when he needs to…yadda, yadda, yadda. When he does have a time-out, he ices his own kicker. Even the poster-child for over-rated coaches Tony Dungy knows how badly Garrett handles these situations.

Why He Won’t:

Because either Jerry Jones either loves this guy so much he can’t stand the thought of losing him, or Garrett has incriminating photos of Jones. Your guess is as good as mine.

Mike McCarthy

Why He Should Get Fired:

Ever since the Packers won a Super Bowl in 2011, everybody always treats them like the young, bad-ass Elvis.  In reality since then, they’ve becomes the sweaty, bloated Elvis who is about three peanut butter and banana sandwiches away from being found dead in his bathroom. You guessed it, once again this is about play-off performance.

mike-mccarthy-elvis

Since that win five years ago, the Pack has lost three home play-off games on what is supposed to be the hallowed ground of Lambeau Field.  Their sole win there came courtesy of the Dez Bryant episode of America’s favorite new NFL game show “Catch or No Catch?” I’ll even cut him some slack on the play-off loss in Seattle because playing there is really like walking into a buzz-saw.  But then again, if you’re supposed to be that good, and you have one of the top quarterbacks in the league, maybe you shouldn’t have to go on the road in the first place.

So what’s the problem? A lot of people in Green Bay say there is a rift between McCarthy and Aaron Rodgers, which even if its true, put on your “big boy” pants and get over it.  That’s part of being a professional. If you ask me, I think the problem is McCarthy’s tendency to lose his balls under his Elvis-fat when it comes to play-calling.  Go back to that play-off game in Seattle where the Packers had 4th and a Blade of Grass deep in Seattle territory and and McCarthy took the easy field goal. The Packers lost that game in overtime.  Winning in the play-offs is about taking chances at the right time. It’s also about throwing knock-out punches rather than defensive jabs.  McCarthy does neither far too often.

Why He Won’t:

Because many will accuse me of nit-picking.  Sorry, but I have a problem with so-called “great” coaches who lose play-off games at home. But even I know when I’m outnumbered.  I know he gets fired right after Hilary Clinton makes a sex tape with the WikiLeaks guy.

Jeff Fisher

Would you like to know how long it’s been since a Jeff Fisher-coached team made the play-offs.  Here’s a few hints. Bill Clinton was still president, the smartphone had yet to be invented, and the #1 song in this county was “What A Girl Wants ” by Christina Aguilera.

That’s right. You have to go back to January of 2000 for the last time a team led by “Mr. 7-9” saw the play-offs.  Forget the fact his teams have a reputation for playing dirtier than the Road Warriors in a cage match.  Forget the fact that his teams are Rex Ryan-ish for collecting stupid penalties.  And forget the fact that his mustache makes him look like a cross between an Alabama state trooper and a 1970’s porn star. Luckily for him, he’s in a place where that isn’t going to matter for at least three more years.

jeff fisher beer pack

Why He Won’t: 

Because like I just said, it won’t matter for at least three years.  Jeff Fisher is the perfect guy to play both Hooterville and Hollywood.  With the Rams moving back to Los Angeles from St. Louis (which is really the “Gotham City” of the Skoal and NASCAR belt), Fisher is the perfect guy for this job.

On the Hooterville side, this guy could easily be the face on a big pack of hillbilly beer, which not only gives the Rams the only chance they have to hang on to what ever St. Louis fans haven’t “Ferguson-ed” their jerseys yet, but let’s be honest.  NFL TV money is a raft of cash floating on a big, foamy sea of beer.

As for as Hollywood is concerned, not only is Fisher a Southern California native, according to J-Dub, he’s a local football hero.  Fisher played his his high-school football at Taft High School in Woodland Hills.  Then he played at USC as part of the most legendary defensive backfield in Trojan history; his partners being Ronnie Lott, Joey Browner, and Dennis Smith.

That means he is the guy to keep Rams fans interested until they build a real team to go with the new stadium opening in 2019.

Don’t forget JFI was the original author on who you think could or should be fired.  He’s waiting for your comments at @jbhickle on Twitter or email jfisports1@gmail.com .

Email Dubsism at dubsism@yahoo.com, and follow us @Dubsism on Twitter, or on our  Pinterest,  Tumblr, Instagram, and Facebook pages.

About JFI

I tend to think outside the box and question mainstream thinking.

7 comments on “Coaches Death Watch 2016 – “The Should Get Fired But Won’t” Edition

  1. jbsptfn
    November 3, 2016

    Actually, the last time a Jeff Fisher team made the playoffs was 2008 (the year the Titans went 13-3 with Kerry Collins at QB). Jan. 2000 was the last time Fisher led a team to the Super Bowl.

    Like

    • J-Dub
      November 3, 2016

      That’s true. But it’s also true that if that’s the best you’ve got for a defense of Jeff Fisher, JFI’s main point that the guy sucks as a coach is still pretty valid.

      Like

      • jbsptfn
        November 3, 2016

        I was just pointing something out. I am not defending Fisher. The Rams should be getting rid of him, but it doesn’t look like they will.

        Like

  2. jbsptfn
    November 3, 2016

    Also, I agree that Tomlin should be on shaky ground. His saving grace is the leniency that the Steeler organization seems to give to coaches that win.

    Like

  3. Pingback: Coaches Death Watch 2016 – The Final Poll Numbers | Dubsism

  4. Pingback: Coaches Death Watch 2016 – Even Bill Belichick Isn’t Perfect | Dubsism

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This entry was posted on October 27, 2016 by in Humor, NFL, Sports and tagged , , , , , , , , .

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