The Sports Sewer: Episode 12: Max Kellerman Returns
Today’s installment of The Sports Sewer brings us another visit from ESPN blow-twat Max Kellerman. If you hadn’t heard, Oakland Raiders quarterback Derek Carr wants to have an MMA fight with him. If there’s a god in this universe, we have to find a way to make this happen. It doesn’t even have to be a “Judeo-Christian”-style deity. Even though I was raised cripplingly Catholic, if the god who can get this done comes from a polytheistic model chock full of object worship and craven images, I don’t care. I just want to see Max Kellerman get his yap nailed shut!
This all started Wednesday’s episode of ESPN’s electronic waste-of-time known as “First Take” when amateur sports commentator and professional cunt Max Kellerman found a way to get his pathetic little raisin-sac big enough to question Derek Carr’s character.
“Pretty obvious, Carr is not the the long term answer there,” Kellerman said, via ESPN.com. “You could see that, especially the first half of the season. I mean, I stopped watching Carr a lot the second of the season, who cares about the Raiders second half? But the first half of the season, he looked shell-shocked. He looked like a quarterback who had quit.”
Don’t misunderstand me here. As a blogger, I’m all for the free expression of opinions. But I also believe that to have any credibility you have to stand behind what you say, which means I also believe in the right to call somebody out, which is exactly what Carr did with a tweet to UFC president Dana White.
Now at first, it seemed Carr was making a general statement about “clowns on TV,” but Kellerman wasn’t done yet.
“By the way, I’ve said this about Eli Manning, and even players who are great, you can see — just like different players get called out for taking plays off — you can see where a quarterback don’t want it and Carr didn’t want it,” Kellerman said. “I think Gruden knows they got to move on and the question is can they get anything for [Carr]? Is he a placeholder until they can find the next guy? How long will it take to develop the next guy? And Kyler Murray, if you could grab him in the draft, hell yea.”
I’m not even going to get into the stupidity of that statement, because this isn’t about Kellerman’s impaired cognitive abilities; rather this is a tale of getting called out…which the interwebz were clear to point out.
Let’s take this beyond Kellerman’s oral diarrhea. Just picture the revenue-generation potential here. We already know there’s a market for this; Teddy Atlas won a Dubsy Award in 2017 just for making it look like he was going to cold-cock Stephen A. Smith.
This is nothing new, let us not forget the classic television moment when former NFL quarterback Jim Everett flattened human Yorkie Jim Rome.
Like I said, I was raised Catholic, but there’s two things I haven’t done since Buster Douglas laid out Mike Tyson; gone to confession and ponied up for a pay-per-view fight. But as sure as God made little green apples, the good people at Comcast would be getting my $59.95 if I got to see Max Kellerman take his front teeth home in his pocket.
I might even throw in a couple of “Hail Marys.”
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Skip Bayless should be on the undercard getting his teeth knocked out as well. So should Stephen A. Smith.
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