Signs We Are Near The End Of Civilization: We Now Have Pizza Insurance
Editor’s Note: While he has appeared on Dubsism before, Small Town Pizza Lawyer generally does not write guest columns. He appears from time to time to offer insights on the complex matters which intertwine the legal world and sports….and he’s just too perfectly suited for this one.
I get the irony of me being a small-town pizza lawyer saying what I’m about to say. The simple fact of the matter is we have too damn many lawyers in this country. The proof is in the pizza. It was only a matter of time before the existence of “pizza lawyers” meant somebody was going to create “pizza insurance.”
That’s happened. A nation-wide pizza chain whose name I won’t mention until they pay me to do so is now offering pizza insurance. I used to think the dumbest people on earth were the ones who bought those silly “extended warranties” on a cheap, chunk of crap Kmart television. Then I couldn’t believe somebody figured out a way to fleece suckers by offering insurance for when your household appliances break down. Who in their right mind would do this? If you put the money in the bank you would pay in premiums for this nonsense, not only would have the money to buy a new water heater, you’d have money for other stuff if you didn’t have a break down. Either way, you’re still hanging on to your money.
At first, I thought this “pizza insurance” thing crossed the line into a whole new level of stupid. As a lawyer, I can create arguments to justify just about any of this crap. Warranties make sense to people who can’t afford to easily replace a television the size of a drive-in movie screen, especially if they bought it at one of those “rip me off” rent-to-own places.
I can also make some sense out of the homeowner household appliance insurance from the standpoint of liability. If you have a guy install a new furnace, and that contractor was contracted by your insurance company, and that contractor does something negligent, and as a result your house burns down…well, liability is the bread and butter of tort law. That’s where lawyers can really make some dough.
But who the hell makes any money on insuring six bucks worth of pepperoni? Who the hell needs to insure six bucks worth of pepperoni? At first, I was under the impression this was like every other type of “insurance;” you pay a premium for the service. Don’t get me wrong, that would be genius; I thought some guy at “Brand X” pizza just made vice-president by figuring out how to increase revenue without raising the cost of the product. Believe you me, being part of the “cheap crap pizza” game, I know cost is everything.
But “Brand X” guaranteed they can’t make any money on this because they don’t charge for it! That’s just dumb all the way around.
Besides, if you can’t afford to replace a six-dollar pizza, maybe you shouldn’t be buying a goddamn pizza in the first place. Six bucks will buy enough potatoes to feed a family for a week.
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When a person spills a drink at my bar, I have two options.
It all depends on the circumstance.
If it was an honest mistake, I’ll replace the drink free of charge and ring it up on a spill tab.
If the person was being an idiot after having one too many and spilled his drink because, well, he was three sheets from Dubsism, I charge him for it. Rarely do they complain.
Either way, one thing I do NOT do… is offer drink insurance.
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