Signs We Are Near The End Of Civilization: Suntanning Your Butthole Is A Real Thing
In all honesty, I really believe we’ve hit a new low for stupidity in this series. I thought we hit that nadir with “butt-chugging,” but apparently, we are a nation fascinated with finding new ways to destroy our buttholes.
When I first saw this head-line, my initial reaction was to dismiss it as some sort of click-bait bullshit. But it turns out that “Perineum Sunning” is a real thing, and Josh Brolin is not a fan.
Actor Josh Brolin says that his anus is now sunburned after trying out the latest fad known as “perineum sunning,” which involves sunbathing one’s nether regions. “I don’t know who the fuck thought of this stupid shit,” said the actor, expressing his dismay over his burned anus.
“Tried this perineum sunning that I’ve been hearing about and my suggestion is DO NOT do it as long as I did,” said Josh Brolin on his Instagram account over the weekend. “My pucker hole is crazy burned and I was going to spend the day shopping with my family and instead I’m icing and using aloe and burn creams because of the severity of the pain.”
Having a background in engineering instantly made my mind start asking questions to which I’m not sure I want to know the answers. First of all, how does one actually do this? Is there a complex series of mirrors involved? After all, this is the proverbial “where the sun doesn’t shine” area. Or does one wishing to suntan their butthole have to engage in some bizarre, spine-pretzeling yoga position? Is there such a thing as “butthole suntan lotion?” Do you see what I mean?
It’s only getting worse from here…
While it remains unclear as to how this fad initially got started, and found its way to Brolin’s butt, Jezebel magazine turned a few heads on Twitter last month when it tweeted a screenshot of an Instagram post by a user known as “Metaphysical Megan,” who appeared to upload an image of herself sunbathing her anus in the nude.
I understand the irony of a blogger floating a theory that social media is being used to destroy mankind a species, but what other conclusion can one draw after reading this? Worse yet, some dilcue is going to read this very page and think this might not be such a bad idea.
“Sunbathe your asshole, for wellness…Perineum sunning,” wrote Metaphysical Megan on Instagram. “For the past few weeks I have included sunning my bum & yoni into my daily rising routine.” Megan went on to claim that many people “have been asking about the benefits” of perineum sunning, which she stated is “an ancient Taoist practice that’s been around for a while.”
If this doesn’t red-line your “stupid shit detector” on it’s face, the next paragraph is guaran-goddamn-teed to do it.
“Things I’ve noticed personally in my reality since I’ve implemented this: Surges of energy almost immediately! Better sleep. Better connection to my sexual energy & control of my Life Force. So much creativity flowing through my life!! Attracting my desires & intentions with ease. Attracting soul tribe & people who are on the same frequency and wavelength as me,” insisted Megan.”
That’s a load of bullshit with which one could fertilize the Sahara Desert, but if that still isn’t enough to convince you, take the advice of Josh Brolin who has “been there and done that.”
“I don’t know who the fuck thought of this stupid shit, but fuck you nonetheless. Seriously.”
What I don’t understand is how can a guy who made a movie about firefighters being killed in the line of duty not get that burning any parts of your body is simply not a good idea?
You can see all our signs we are near the end of civilization here.
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