Why You Shouldn’t Cheer For…Jay Cutler
You shouldn’t cheer for the Chicago Bears anyway; we’ve documented that quite well over the past few weeks. However, Bears quarterback Jay Cutler exudes such a rare combination of smarminess and suckitude that no self-respecting fan should support him or the Bears, who also believe they are better than they are. Colin Cowherd made mention of this fact on Friday on his radio show. But this isn’t about how the Bears, should they win, would be the worst Super Bowl team ever. Rather this is about why you should want to see Cutler peeling bits of frozen Soldier Field dirt out of his facemask. After all, the resounding majority of you would not be Facebook friends with him.
1) Even Referees Don’t Like Him
Referees are supposed to be completely impartial, which is how you know that backhand bitch slap was perfectly accidental (wink, nudge…) It’s not like NFL officials have had to listen Cutler whine every time he gets picked off, throws an incompletion, or gets stapled to the turf, which by our count combined happens about 70 times a game.
2) Cutler is a Massive Crybaby
Refer back to Reason #1. Cutler routinely breaks out his crying towel for more than just officials. Just look a the sullen pout he pulls off during a post loss press conference; the one after the game against Washington when he made the Redskins’ DeAngelo Hall the all-time Bears’ leading receiver was my favorite example.
3) “Disambiguation”
This is the big word Wikipedia uses for when a search term returns multiple topics. Google “Jay Cutler” and a lot of the hits you are going to get refer to the overly-bronzed side of beef shown above. It seems that as well as being a pick-throwing whiner, Jay Cutler is also a former Mr. Olympia who is clearly over-compensating for being the namesake of such a monumental tool.
4) The Kyle Orton Connection
It has been a long-established tenet here at Dubsism that Kyle Orton is the Greatest Athlete in the History of Ever. However, thanks to the trade between the Broncos and the Bears, Orton’s name is forever linked with Cutler’s. As far as quarterback play in concerned, this may be the classic example of a guy who isn’t flashy, but doesn’t make mistakes versus a guy who has that sexy big arm coaches fall in love with, but ultimately will get you killed through his complete cement-headed uncoachability.
5) He Hasn’t Destroyed Lovie Smith’s Career Nearly Fast Enough
I completely can’t figure this one out; it’s like Lovie Smith is Superman in Stupid World, but for some reason Stupid Kryptonite doesn’t kill Stupid Superman. What the hell else does a guy have to do to get fired? If it weren’t for his hatred of Kyle Orton, he’d have a Super Bowl ring by now. If he would have benched that shithead Rex Grossman in favor of Orton in the Super Bowl against the Colts, we wouldn’t be subjected to Tony Dungy’s bible-thumping assholery now. I wonder if he and Mike Shanahan get together and fondle themselves over pictures of “Sexy Rexy?”
The fact this Bears team has reached an NFC Championship team means offensive coordinator Mike Martz has been “legitimitized” for at least one more NFL job after the fraud that is the Bears’ offense is exposed and he gets the firing he so richly deserves. To that end, you would have thought trading for the fully-automated, hydraulically-powered interception machine known as Jay Cutler would have been the end of the Smith regime, but even accidental success is a savior.
6) If Wal-Mart Sold a Shitty, Guatemalan-Made Tom Brady…Cutler Would Be It
We all know what buying a knock-off is like. It offers all the promise, yet none of the price. Of course, the packaging hasn’t even made its way to the dumpster yet by the time you’ve discovered you just flushed your cash down the crapper. Who the hell buys Jay Cutler as a “GQ” guy like Tom Brady? Frankly, I can’t decide which screams “alternative lifestyle” more…the overly-coiffed fashion model look or the oiled-up bodybuilder? Not that there’s anything wrong with that…
7) Jay Cutler Really Is the Most Interesting Douche In The World
8 ) His Incredibly Annoying Survivability
Cutler has made a living playing behind offensive lines that look more like the row of turnstiles in a subway station. Yet, he keeps coming back. Let’ s be honest, how he didn’t get yanked during that pick-fest against the Redskins is beyond me.
I mean, Tony Romo at least had the common decency to suffer a season-ending injury, and Lord knows the Giants gave Cutler every chance to do the same. But, no, Cutler couldn’t do the honorable thing; rather he has subjected us all to a season of barely competent quarterback play.
God help us all if the Bears beat the Packers on Sunday, because that would only serve to further the illusion that Jay Cutler and this band of frauds known as the Chicago Bears are a legitimate championship-caliber football team.
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C’mon, man.
We all know you’re a closet Cutler fan and are only posting this to reverse jinx the Bears into the Bowl.
It’s okay. We understand.
But we’re also on to you.
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I’ve been outed. Congratulations on cracking the blogosphere’s version of the DaVinci Code.
And we need not explore my hidden man-crush on Lovie Smith…
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Dude,
You hit the nail right on the head. Jay Cutler is the luckiest man in Chicago. Without a doubt! The Jay Cutler fellatio fest among the sports media here in Chicago is in full swing again! This man gets more blow jobs daily than ron jeremy and john holmes got in their porn careers together.
Jerry Angelo, Lovie Smith and Jay Cutler, the worst thing to happen to the Chicago Bears EVER
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