Trash-Talking the 2015 Sweet Sixteen
Last weekend, we got all the “cute” stories about your various “David and Goliath” stuff. But this weekend, we start finding who the best teams are. The problem is despite what your bracket says, all these teams suck somehow. That’s why every year at this time, we here at Dubsism share that fact with you.
1) Arizona
It used to be really easy really easy to hate Arizona when Lute Olson was still the head coach. But now that he’s gone, we have to do a bit more homework to trash the Wildcats.
Actually, that’s a good place to start. How many goddamn teams in this tournament were named “Wildcats?” I guess we’re actually lucky this team isn’t named “Los Gatos muy Loco” given the fact we don’t seem terribly interested in border security anymore. Is Arizona still in the U.S.?
Besides that, it really is no secret that there isn’t a lot going on in Arizona. Even if there were, for most of the year, the simple act of venturing outside means you run the risk of being vaporized by the sun. Even if you make it to your car, you can’t touch the steering wheel or the seats with out that insulated clothing firemen wear.
So, what do most people in Arizona do? They drink beyond the point of brain damage, and they aren’t afraid to make sure you know it. Sure, there’s lots of college bars where you can see people who pound booze religiously at least nine days a week; those bars which are like a zoo with a happy hour, places where you can see the full range of loud, obnoxious drunks falling over themselves, pounding liquor, vomiting in bushes, and doing body shots. You expect that at a college bar, but in Arizona, that’s the scene at a Denny’s.
2) Duke
Despite it’s elitist airs, Duke is still in North Carolina. Duke is an Ivy League wanna-be stuck in a dismal shit-hole like Durham. This is a bit like having a three-hundred pond stripper with a 24-karat navel ring. Thanks the way this tournament shook out, we’ve got two more shots at North Carolina coming.
So, I’ll stick to Duke specifically here. Oh, Duke, how do I hate thee; let me count the ways. Here’s two good ones.
- As mentioned, Duke pretends it is a great place to send your sheltered, privileged kids all while it is located in an exceptionally dangerous neighborhood.
- Mike Krzyzewski himself. I get that he is a disciple of Bobby Knight, but there is a major difference. It is one thing to be an asshole; it is an entirely other thing to spend thirty years hiding that fact.
But most importantly. Krzyzewski has been getting his ass kissed for reaching 1,00o wins, when he really should have put on probation on at least two occasions I can think of.
Jim Boeheim just got wins striopped from him for a lot of things, but Coach K did one of them in the 1998-1999 season when he played Corey Maggette, who admitted he was ineligible for taking money in high school. Not to mention Lance Thomas should have been ineligible in 2009-2010 after he got $30,000 in cash to put down on a Jesus necklace.
3) Gonzaga
I’m straggling to stay awake write this. If you want a recipe for boring, put a Catholic school in a town that has nothing but onion farms and the world’s largest collection of Bing Crosby memorabilia. Spokane makes Salt Lake City look exciting.
Crosby: down with Adrian Peterson’s child-disciplining style.
4) Kentucky
Kentucky tears me. On the one hand, I believe Kentucky bourbon is the definition of “manna from heaven;” single drinking-handedly, I’m probably 40% of the economy of the Bluegrass State. If you ever see me on one of those “Intervention” shows, dump your stock in Jim Beam. Don’t wait to call your stock broker in the morning, break into his house that night and get your money the fuck out NOW. But on the other hand, when it comes to basketball, these people still revere that racist asshole Adolph Rupp. They ran Tubby Smith out of town for no real reason, and brought in a snail-trail-leaver like John Calipari. The person who roots for Kentucky basketball also likely roots for the New York Yankees, the bad guys from the “Karate Kid,” and ISIS.
5) Louisville
Dear Residents of Louisville,
Let me explain to you why nobody has any respect for your city. First of all, to be a world-class city, you have to settle on a standard pronunciation. You would never see a sign the like the one above in a real city. Secondly, you keep describing your city as the “capital of Kentuckiana.” If it weren’t bad enough there is no such place, you’ve created one out of the two worst parts of two of the worst states in America. Combining Indiana with Kentucky is like joining infected, oozing hemmorhoids with a bowel obstruction.
Now, let’s talk about this basketball team for minute, shall we? Somebody in Louisville needs to tell Rick Pitino that coaching basketball in Kentucky in a building called the KFC Yum! Center while wearing white suits is just begging for “Colonel Sanders” jokes…and having a bird mascot doesn’t help. I’ll get you started – “Cardinal basketball – a special blend of eleven secret fouls and turnovers.”
6) Michigan State
Really, I should just write a generic bit for all B1G Ten teams whenever they make any tournament, because they all really do the same thing. They get into the “Big Dance,” and then somehow lose to some peckerwood SEC team like Kentucky. But Michigan State deserves a special layer of scorn and derision as they aren’t even an original member of the B1G Ten. They didn’t join until 1949 when it was still known as Michigan State Sit When You Pee College and Tire Care Center.
7) North Carolina
A while back, I wrote an article about great sports rivalries in which I hate both sides. Duke – North Carolina was ranked very high on that list. You can read that post to see why.
The important thing to know about North Carolina is that if it weren’t for Duke, those assholes would BE Duke. No school has benefited more from having an arch-rival who happens to be even bigger douchebags. In other words, hating Duke does not exempt you from getting your own level of hate. You would LOVE to be Duke. You would LOVE to enjoy that Dukian sense of entitlement and have Dick Vitale lapping up Roy Williams’ spooge off a locker room floor.
8) North Carolina State
How much pride can you have in being the state school in the only state where it’s legal to rape someone and fish at the same time. Arkansas gets all the rap for this, but North Carolina is the cousin-raping capital of America. No matter what you do, no matter what you think, as you are reading this, there are at least three people in the North Carolina woods with a cousin’s penis inside them that they don’t want inside them.
Not to mention, Jim Valvano is dead, so is Lorenzo Charles, and NC State is still the school people only go to when they can’t get into to Appalachian State.
9) Notre Dame
I’m not going to lie…I’m not used to hating Notre Dame for anything other than football. Fortunately, I’m fairly certain I won’t have to worry about that long, because everything about a leprechaun is anathema to a fearful basketball mascot.
10) Oklahoma
See what I said about Notre Dame, and replace the word “leprechaun” with the word “tornado.” Those sky-borne funnels of death are the only thing interesting about Oklahoma, and it should tell you something that in the worlds most famous tornado-based movie scene, Dorothy longs for Kansas. Call me a dinosaur, but to me, the last time Oklahoma basketball was interesting was that 1988 Billy Tubbs-coached team which featured Wayman Tisdale, who became more famous a a jazz musician, and Stacey King, who became Michael Jordan’s personal ring mandrel.
11) UCLA
If there were a college basketball version of a Monopoly board, UCLA would be Boardwalk. No school ever can now, nor will ever match what the Bruins meant to college basketball in the John Wooden era. But that was then, and this is now. Even for recent glimpses of Bruin glory, you need to recall names like Tyus Edney. Can you do that? I didn’t think so.
12) Utah
Utah is the exact opposite of UCLA in terms of college basketball history. Utah’s hoops heyday came under Dubsy Award winner Rick Majerus. Ute basketball history is the Bonneville Salt Flats, and even hardcore NBA fans would be hard-pressed to point out another Utah alum who made a difference in the NBA not named Keith Van Horn.
13) West Virginia
There’s an old saying about a picture being a thousand words. What’s a missing letter worth?
14) Wichita State:
Wichita State’s mascot is known as the “Shockers.” This term actually refers to the stacking of wheat during the harvesting process before modern motorized farm machinery. But that was then. I think we all know what “shocker” means now.
15) Wisconsin
Do you know why Wisconsin is home to so many great serial killers? Because somehow Wisconsinites have taken two great things like sports and booze and managed to completely fuck them up. As far as the University of Wisconsin is concerned, the sport they really are the best at is hockey, which is why they play every other sport like the are on the ice. Badger football is like an old-school NHL game; they get a big offensive line and just beat you into the boards for sixty minutes, Bucky hoop is like watching that adapted version of floor hockey they let the retarded kids play; lots of passes so bad they look like shots, and shots so bad they look like passes. Even the girls teams only change their pads every three periods.
But for some reason this year is different. Now their star player looks like “Shaggy” from Sccoby-Doo with a pituitary problem, and the whole team looks like it can actually play.
16) Xavier
If you thought a catholic school in Spokane was rough, imagine one in Cincinnnati, which despite what any map will tell you, is actually the largest city in Kentucky. Worse yet, Mrs. Dubsism has hung the moniker “Big Sexy” on Xavier center Matt Stainbrook. It’s clearly time to stop taking her to Target Optical.
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Clearly Mrs. Dubsism has questionable taste in men.
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Arizona was hatable during the Lute Olson era? Interesting. I never thought that, but oh, well.
Besides Duke, UCLA would be second on my hate list. They have a prick in Steve Alford (who took a “Christian” along with him to threaten a rape victim of one of his players when he was coach of Iowa), and the most overrated dynasty of all time (a dynasty that was built with weak regions, injuries to Bob Lanier, Marvin Barnes, and Scott May, and Sam Gilbert’s money).
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