What your view of sports and life would be if you had too many concussions

Conversations Not Meant to Be Public: Jahlil Okafor Has A Problem With His Agent

conversations not meant to be public

By J-Dub and Ryan Meehan

Editor’s Note: This article is a collaborative effort between J-Dub and Ryan Meehan from First Order Historians. Read at your own risk. 

Sometimes, situations threaten to become a train wreck.  Sometimes, situations start as train wreck and only get worse. It’s a fairly safe bet the latter is true when it comes to the current state of relations between former Duke center and current Philadelphia 76er draft pick Jahlil Okafor and his agent.

Think about it.

This poor guy spent all this time between winning the National Championship at Duke and the NBA Draft looking at the likely prospect of becoming a Los Angeles Laker. The whole world had Okafor heading west to don the purple and gold of the Lakers. Now, if you are about to be a center in the NBA, how can you not be completely stoked by that thought?  Not only are you headed to one of the marquee franchises in the league; hell, the Lakers are one of the most popular sports teams on the entire goddamn planet.

On top of that,  imagine being a 20-year old kid who plays center and you’ve got the chance not only to be part of a top-shelf franchise, but to be part of the resurgence of it.   Not to mention, is there a NBA team with a better tradition of dominant big men? If you are Jahlil Okafor, how would you like to be part of a bloodline which includes George Mikan, Wilt Chamberlain, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Shaquille O’Neal and Pau Gasol? Every one of those names I just mentioned are now or will be in the Basketball Hall of Fame.

Then, there’s the matter of money.  We all know there’s a pay difference between being the second overall pick and the third.

Given all that, you know that when Okafor slipped past the Lakers and ended up as property of Philadelphia, there had to be a discussion between the draftee and his agent that couldn’t have gone well.  As a matter of fact, just such a discussion was intercepted* by the investigative division of Dubsism.

*Legal Disclaimer – J-Dub and Meehan have a strange way of defining certain terms. “Intercepted” should be read as “completely fucking fabricated” by these two jamokes during yet another of their nights spent mainlining Gorilla Glue and Drano until 6 a.m. Despite that, we here at Dubsism would be willing to bet they aren’t  far from the truth…

The scene opens with Okafor calling his agent after being picked in the first round of the NBA draft by Philadelphia rather than the Los Angeles Lakers as was expected.

jahili okafor draft night


Agent: Calm down Jahlil…


Agent: Look, Jahlil.  Some things got in the way, but I think that down the road we’ll all look back at this and laugh…

Okafor:  Don’t you “Look, Jahlil” me, clowndick! What the fuck does “some things got in the way” mean?

Agent:  This may not have been where you wanted to end up…but…um…uh…

Okafor: (mocking) Umm. duh…but…Is that all you got you Porky Pig sounding motherfucker?!

Agent: Jahlil, listen to me.  You were still the third-overall pick in the NBA.  You’re going to be a very rich man.

Okafor: Yeah, in a third-world shithole. You ever been to Philadelphia? that whole city needs a handle so you can flush it.

Agent: Now, that’s not true… I can assure you that Philadelphia is very much a basketball town.

Okafor: I don’t give a fuck what you call it.  It still isn’t Los Angeles!  In L.A. I can be knee-deep in big-titted porn stars who can suck the glass out of a backboard. What the fuck do they have in Philadelphia?

Agent: Jahlil, the 76ers are an up and coming team and the…(pauses)…East is a very weak conference.  This is a great opportunity to…

Okafor:  (Interrupts)…to what? Not play for one of the great franchises in this league and instead live in a city where everybody thinks a roast beef sandwich covered in Cheese Whiz is a goddamn delicacy!  Not to mention, how much money did I lose by dropping to #3? That’s means you lose money too, motherfucker!

Agent: I’m aware that we made some mistakes and that your intention was to go play for the Lakers.

Okafor:  My intention was to get the fuck paid and not have to drive through snow to get to work every goddamn day.

Agent: Trust me, you won’t be driving, they will have all of those things arranged for you.

Okafor: (getting angrier by the minute) THAT ISN’T THE FUCKING POINT AND YOU KNOW IT!!!

Agent: Jahlil, A lot of really successful athletes have played with the Philadelphia 76ers.

Okafor: Yeah? Like fucking who? All I remember is a bunch of drunks with big-ass gambling problems!  I am not going to be a broke, bankrupt boozehound!

Agent: Allen Iverson is one of the greatest guards to ever play the game.  Have you even heard of him?

Okafor:  You clearly aren’t listening to me. Did you not hear what I just fucking said?

Agent: Yeah, you’re right. That’s a bad example.  What about Charles Barkley?

Okafor:  Yeah…Isn’t he on about his third DUI by now?

Agent: I’m pretty sure that’s not true, Jahlil?

Okafor: Well, what the fuck do you know? I’ll tell you what you don’t know.  You don’t know that it was YOUR FUCKING JOB to get me to Los Angeles and you couldn’t pull it off, which means I get to live in a city whose biggest landmark is some fucking cracked bell? And it always smells like feet there.

Agent: Now, Jahlil…

Okafor: No, you’re going to listen to this. Los Angeles is full of rich white actors and Mexican pool cleaners, which means Lakers fans are the definition of “fair-weather” fans, plastic surgery…that’s why I wanted to go there.  All I got to do there is show up, and I can spend most of my time balls-deep in some skanky hot white girl.  But in Philadelphia, they actually have real fans.  They’re going to know I’m Greg Oden, Part II.

Agent: Look, this isn’t going to be all that different from what you’re used to…

Okafor:  Are fucking you kidding me?  I’m used to playing for Mike Krzyzewski.  He’s the whitest dude in the history of all of basketball.  When was the last time you saw a guy that white at a  76ers game?

Agent: Actually, we were there last year when Will Smith was there…

Okafor:  (facepalm)  You have got to be fucking kidding me.  This is not happening (hangs up).

About J-Dub

What your view of sports would be if you had too many concussions

3 comments on “Conversations Not Meant to Be Public: Jahlil Okafor Has A Problem With His Agent

  1. Ravenation
    July 3, 2015

    Reblogged this on First Order Historians.


  2. hanginpossum
    July 4, 2015

    I didn’t even know anyone’s name, still funny as hell.


  3. I was surprised he dropped to three also. Here’s hoping it inspires him to be a great.

    But here’s the flaw in your argument.

    It might not be Okafor’s agent that fucked up as much as it might just be that the Lakers, and sorry for this but you know it’s true, have their heads so far up their asses, they can’t see straight.

    And if it was a problem with his agent, I recommend he sign Tobias Harris’ guy to a deal. He just finagled the Orlando Magic into giving him $21 mil a year for four years. He averaged 17 and 6 last year.

    Is there a money tree around here that I don’t know about because if so, I’d like to go picking.


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This entry was posted on July 3, 2015 by in Basketball, Humor, Sports and tagged , , , , , .

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