The Deep Six: The Worst “March Madness” Buzz Killers.
If you look at the Dubsism Liturgical Calendar, you can see the days between the Ides of March and Tax Day contain some of that calendars highest holy days. The NCAA Basketball Tournament became a staple of sporting fandom as it is truly one of the greatest events in the world of all thing athletic. But it became a cultural phenomenon upon the invention of “The Bracket.”
As we head into the weekend of the Final Four, some of us still have hopes for a brackets, and some of us have wadded them up and basketballed them into the waste-basket. But the fact that everybody fills out a bracket is exactly why “The Bracket” is a bitch goddess; with one hand she brings us the one sporting event which soaks its way to the core of American culture; every office in this country has a hoops pool. But because this event is so all-encompassing of everything American, it also brings you certain types of people who can seriously squash one’s enjoyment of March Madness.
That’s why we here at Dubsism are providing this public service so you can a) spot and avoid the people who will suck the enjoyment of the tournament right out of you, and b) not be one of these fuck-wipes.
1) The “I Don’t Know Anything About College Basketball” Guy
This guy is at his height the Monday after “Selection Sunday.” This is the guy who when handed a bracket to fill out poo-poos it by saying “I don’t know anything about college basketball.” This might be the most prevalent type on this list, and this guy is always a prick. We don’t expect you to know anything about college basketball. Nobody does. THAT’S THE WHOLE FUCKING POINT, YOU COLOSSAL ASSHOLE!
That’s the beauty of filling out a bracket; it’s the ultimate leveler. Everybody has the same shot. You would be hard-pressed to find somebody who doesn’t get paid to do so who watches more college hoop than I do. But that doesn’t stop my bracket from looking like this every goddamn year.
When you encounter this guy, take back your bracket, find the heaviest thing on your desk, and cave in his skull with it. Not only will you eliminate a major “March Madness” kill-joy, but 9 times out of ten this guy is also that jerk-off who bitches to HR about Christmas decorations at your office.
2) “The Sheet Starer”
This is the guy who sits in front of his TV during the opening weekend of the tournament, and with every result becomes the human “What If” calculator. By the Monday after the first weekend, “The Sheet Starer” is ready to regale you with every scenario under the sun, especially those involving the most recent “Cinderella” and how they can make the Final Four based on the match-ups. The problem is this guy actually sounds like he knows what he’s talking about, until you realize a) he’s simply parroting whatever out-of-work basketball coach on which ESPN is currently wasting payroll and b) “The Sheet Starer’s” bracket is always on of the worst in your pool…always.
3) “The Bracket Whiner”
“The Bracket Whiner” is easy to spot, and way before tournament time? Does your office have a guy who is fall too willing to tell you all about his fantasy football team even though you aren’t in his league? The very same guy who in October is crying about some wide receiver you don’t give an infected, green shit about is the one bloviating about how he would have won the pool id only he had picked East Fuck You State instead of Blow Me Tech.
Here’s the thing…just because you think something is interesting doesn’t mean anybody else does, and also you should never make the mistake equating politeness for interest. If you’re this guy, I’m trying to help you. The people who are nodding and smiling at your tales of bracket bustology are only being nice because they nave to work with you. They about care about brackets because Americans are event-driven people; we love an event and will expend a shit-load of emotional energy reveling in the moment at the beginning.
But the reality with the NCAA Tournament is that by Final Four weekend, most people’s brackets are toast and they’ve shot their wad on the excitement of the event. 99% of them don’t even watch watch college basketball; they fill out brackets just to be part of the fun. Trust me “that guy”…the same people you think are interested in your bullshit are the same ones who behind your back make note of the fact your enormous weight makes the back of your neck look like a package of Ball Park Franks, and that it is rather apparent there are parts of your body you can’t quite reach with a wash cloth.
4) The “Refs Are Killing Me” Guy
This is easily the one of which I am most guilty. I’m am soooo the guy who screams things like “THAT’S A TWO-SHOT FOUL. GODDAMMIT!” at his television all March long. But no matter how piss-drunk excitable I am during these games, I never forget that the referees are NEVER the reason why East Fuck You State beats Blow Me Tech, and more importantly, the referees didn’t fill out my bracket. The number of fouls called in a college game matters little in a world when most “bigs” can’t shoot 60% from the stripe, and the only guy on the planet responsible for my bracket is me. No matter how much I might want to pin my failures on Jay Bilas, I’m the shit-for-brains who listened to him.
5) “The Bracketologist”
Last weekend is when this phenomenon is begins to manifest itself, and it reaches it’s fever pitch about 45 minutes before the tip of the first Final Four game. This is the guy who is more than happy to take a giant shit all over the “Cinderella” by telling you they are only made it as far as they did because they got an “easy ride” in the match-ups.
The classic example is this year’s Loyola-Chicago team. “The Bracketologist” is the guy who will prattle all day long about how the Ramblers being in the Final Four is simply a function of Virginia being the first #1 to lose to a #16…which he almost picked (more on that later). What this is really all about is a kill-joy jerk-off diminishing the accomplishments of a “lower-half of the bracket” -seeded team for no better reason than he didn’t pick them.
6) The “NBA Is Way Better” Guy
The NCAA Tournament, despite being one of the biggest sporting events this country, is a cavalcade of games chock full of teams and players who are largely unknown. Let’s be honest, college basketball doesn’t draw a lot of eyes until March. Invariably, because the length and breadth of varying styles of play and composition of teams, and just because everybody eventually has a bad day, at some point your going to get a game full of missed lay-ups, clanked free-throws, and more turnovers than a Tony Romo career highlight reel.
This is when this cunt-wipe shows up. He’s got nothing short of the brutally obvious…you might just get a better quality of play form highly-paid professional, most of whom were the “cream of the crop” from the college game. What this fuck-tard doesn’t realize is that nobody watches this tournament and fills out a bracket because they really think they can win, they just want to be part of the action.
So the NBA is a better quality of basketball…good for you. Go watch it and leave the rest of us alone. Again, you’re missing the point…it’ about the event, not the actual sport itself. And again, if you’re this guy, you are likely a loser who lives alone with a cat that doesn’t even like you because you keep haranguing him about how Friskies is better than Meow Mix. There is something in life called a preference, and nobody like the guy who pisses all over theirs.
Bonus) The “I Almost Picked That” Guy
Everybody knows this guy. The morning after some tiny school you never heard of from Sheepfart, Texas pulls off a buzzer-beater for the proverbial bracket-killing upset, this moulyak comes to the office spewing some non-sense about how he knew that the team who lost was “vulnerable” and that the team nobody ever heard of was “better than people might think.” Of course, this is all bullshit because his bracket has that “vulnerable” team all the way to the Final Four. This guy just wants you to think he knows something more than his Pornhub password.
Double Bonus) The “Don’t Tell Me The Score, I’m Recording The Games” Guy
One one hand, you have to hand it to this guy for being a dedicated sports fan; he’s committed enough to watch as much of the action as he can because he truly enjoys it. But on the other hand, this guy is a fucking moron because the first weekend of the Tournament is when games start at noon Eastern time on Thursday, and every single person in your office with a bracket will be talking about games and scores. Again, that’s the whole fucking point, and you’re that salmon on the Nat Geo channel who swims all the way upstream to spawn, and only gets eaten by a grizzly bear.
Take the day off and leave us alone, asshole.
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