The J-Dub Gambling Challenge 2022: Saturdaius Primus!

Hello…I’m J-Dub, and I’m a degenerate gambler.

There’s really no need to give a big preamble here.  Saturdaius Primus is the first of the Twelve Greatest Saturdays of the Year according to the Dubsism Liturgical Calendar (Yeah, we know it’s now more than twelve, but who cares? If the B1G Ten can have however many goddamn team as it has now, then I can still call it twelve Saturdays). As such, that means the return of the J-Dub Gambling Challenge.

If you are not familiar with this challenge, this is all about a return to my days as a bookie. I start the season with $5,000 and I wager on college football games. I bet both sides and totals and I don’t do that stupid “money line” horseshit (if you’re not familiar, those terms are explained here). Just like you, I have to factor the “juice” into all profits/losses, and you get to painlessly follow the potential hemorrhaging as we travel through the season.

2021 saw the bankroll break a two-season winning streak, largely due a final week where I gave back the entire year’s profits. Yeah, I’m the one who placed the bet, but fuck Ohio State. They couldn’t be bothered to show up for what was supposed to be their annual seal-clubbing of Michigan, and since I bet hard the wrong way, I turned a season total of $7,645 to a net loss of $30 off the the original $5K. Yeah, I know that’s hardly a “wipe-out,” but any time you end up with less money than you started with…well, that’s a loss.

You know how the old saying goes…if you fall off a horse, you have to get right back on. It’s exactly that sort of masochistic drive for self-destruction that drives us gamblers. In other words, if there are games and there is breath in my body, I will be gambling. That’s what I do.

In other words, it’s a new season, and I’ve got a new bankroll. The gains of the past few years are just that…the past.  Three’s an old saying in baseball about how “everybody is in first place on Opening Day.” In terms of the Gambling Challenge, that’s a nice way of saying that on Saturdaius Primus, nobody has made that desperate Monday morning trek to sell their plasma yet.  In other words this is the time of year when everybody still has hope.

And that’s the beauty of the bitch goddess that is gambling; where hope can become elation or desperation on the unpredictable bounce of a prolate spheroid…the “fancy” term for the weirdly-shaped American football.

LEGAL DISCLAIMER (mandated by our very own Small Town Pizza Lawyer):

Thanks to the Supreme Court, gambling is no longer illegal at Bushwood, sir. However, the Supreme Court can’t really help me unless one of them is willing to keep Mrs. J-Dub from braining me with a cast-iron skillet if she found out how many dimes I’m dropping on college football.

That means that as far as she knows, all wagers are mythical in nature and this is in no way, shape, or form a gambling advice column. In other words, if you lose your own “real” money, that’s nobody’s fault but yours, so don’t yell at me when we meet at the plasma center on Monday.

If you think you have a gambling problem, go find the 800 number on your own. I’m not a goddamn public service announcement.

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As is becoming the tradition for what is becoming known as “Week Zero,” pickings are slim, but since I haven’t had a chance to lay my money on the line in eight months…

The Standard Plays

• Nevada (-8.5) at New Mexico State O/U 50.5 $50 Nevada
• Nebraska (-13) at Northwestern O/U 50.5 Game at Dublin, Ireland $25 Nebraska, $25 Under
• Wyoming at Illinois (-10.5) O/U 43.5 $50 Under
• Connecticut at Utah State (-27.5) O/U 59.5 $50 Over
• UNC-Charlotte at Florida Atlantic (-7.5) O/U 59.5 $75 Florida Atlantic
• North Texas (-1.5) at Texas-El Paso O/U 54.5 $25 Texas-El Paso

The Almost Always Punitive Purdue Bet

Since I live in the heart of Big Ten country, almost literally in the shadow of Ross-Ade stadium, those around me who know I’m a gambler will invariably ask me about the Boilermakers, so I might as well bet on them…

Purdue is idle this week, but if you’re one of those really sick “Futures” players, as of this post they are +25,000 to win the National Championship.

The Dubsism College Football Heavyweight Champ Bet:

We went back to the very first college football game in 1869, and the premise is simple…you’re the champ until somebody beats you. The current champion is the Baylor Bears.

Baylor is idle this week, but if you’re one of those really sick “Futures” players, as of this post they are +7,500 to win the National Championship.

J-Dub’s Payday of the Week:

It’s like the game says…the idea is to hang on to your cash. That means this is the “big play” of the week; the one that should make today “Payday.”

Vanderbilt (-8.5) at Hawaii O/U 53.5 $100 Vanderbilt

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