How many times have I wondered what a slightly boozy, slightly senile catcher-turned-announcer would sound like singing all the old standards? Well, now my prayers have been answered. But here’s the thing – by the sound of it, McCarver can really sing. When the Fox telecast cut back from a break they showed the Phillie Phanatic… Read More Signs We Are Near The End of Civilization: Tim McCarver is Cutting An Album
Thanks to Adam Richman, I now know that is actually possible to gastrointestinally rape one’s self. So that there is no possibility of missing the full experience, Richman has demonstrated two ways in which to leave your colon a golf-bag sized miasma of undigested beef and guatemalan insanity peppers. Each week, he either attempts to eat… Read More Man vs. Food – The Lane Kiffin Word-Eating Edition
No, the Right Reverend Houston Dale Nutt is not fisting Jim Rome…yet. Rather, these are just the themes from the latest examples of the completely bi-polar nature of the Nutt, and by extension, any institution affiliated with the Rt. Rev. Houston Nutt is just a head-scratching, what-the-hell-happened-there type enigma. I can’t decide whether the man is geniunely bat-shit crazy,… Read More Houston Nutt Bi-Polar Update: Rome Gets the Rubber Glove Treatment
As the old adage goes, sometimes it is better to be lucky than good. Why? Because lucky guys do just what the tag decribes; they get lucky. Kyle Orton Gets Lucky lucky – pronunciation: \ˈlə-kē\; function: adjective; inflected form(s): luck·i·er; luck·i·est 1 : having good luck 2 : happening by chance : fortuitous 3 : producing… Read More Kyle Orton is Just a Drunk Ben Roethlisberger
Ohio State Gets Pushed Around Again It doesn’t matter how long you lead the game, it is who leads at the end that matters. Everybody else is focused on the Ohio State Pentitentiary University coughing up its fifth straight loss against a Top 5 opponent, but it matters more why they lost. When it came… Read More College Football Week 2 – Stuff That Will Get Overlooked But Probably Shouldn’t
On the last episode of “Guess That Gender,” guest judge Crocodile Dundee stated clearly that South African runner Caster Semenya was a dude. Now, some other Aussies, the kind with those juicy, delicious science brains concur. Two Australian newspapers reported Friday that gender tests show the world champion athlete has no ovaries or uterus and internal… Read More Dude Looks Like Lady, Part Deux
Once again, the balance of power in the Big Eleven Ten lies in ruins. Once again, the Ohio State Penitentiary University starts a campaign highly-ranked, only to suffer a big early season loss. Of course, these shifts in the balance of power occur because tOSPU dominates the Big Eleven Ten landscape in much the same… Read More Inglourious Buckeyes – The Tarantino View of Ohio State
Well, not by much. Actually, they are still pretty much a prime example of fully-reversible, three-speed, nuclear-powered suck. They would be the laughing stock of the NFL except Cincinnati and Oakland still have teams. But by firing Chan Gailey last week, the Chefs Chiefs got a little bit better. For those of you that don’t… Read More The Kansas City Chiefs Are A Bit Better: Now 100% Chan Gailey Free!
Two things that everybody will be talking about around the Tuesday morning water cooler: LeGarrette Blount’s knuckles and Sam Bradford’s shoulder. Sure, those are the headlines from the opening weekend of college football, but they threaten to overshadow some other stories that need to be heard as well as some factors within those two tales… Read More College Football Week 1 – Stuff That Will Get Overlooked But Shouldn’t
It used to be when you thought of scary places in Indiana, your mind went right to Gary. Not the Gary of “Music Man” fame; the Gary that hangs like an infected hemorrhoid from the inflamed rectum of Chicago, the place that produced really scary guys like Joe Jackson and “Mongo.” But the epicenter of… Read More Watch Your Ass in Bloomington – Indiana Has “The Pistol”
Rest assured, Viking fans. Just when you thought the saga of King Brett I was too much for you to take, purple nostalgia comes to the rescue. You can now buy the “Whizzinator” made famous by former Viking Onterrio Smith. SHAKOPEE, Minn. – The infamous Whizzinator is among several personal belongings of former Minnesota Vikings… Read More 750 Bucks For a Fake, Purple Penis?
Man, where do I begin with this one? Is it their psychopathic asshole legendary coach who got fired for slugging an opposing player? Is it the fact that they have made a completely ridiculous tradition of some tuba player who is usually so fat it is a miracle they can still bend over? Is it… Read More Teams That Grind My Gears: The Ohio State Buckeyes
Monday night, before the Vikings game against the Houston Texans, King Brett I said he might have a cracked rib, but that there has been no official diagnosis. In the same press conference, he said taking deep breaths caused pain, but that he won’t wear any extra protection because “the damage is done.’’ Too bad… Read More Favre-gasm: It Just Keeps Getting Better
“I got screwed hard up on Rocky Top…” The crybabies at the University of Tennessee are at it again; they believe Heisman voting has historically been unfair to them. They believe this so fervently that the Volunteer athletic department is peppering the south with billboards and engaging in a public relations campaign promoting safety Eric… Read More Teams That Grind My Gears: The Tennessee Volunteers
Nothing can get between two guys faster than a woman. We’ve all been there; we’ve all seen friendships that survived wars torn asunder by a skirt. Earlier in the week, reports began surfacing about a rift in the Vikings’ locker room. It seems that some members of the team are sticking by Tarvaris Jackson as… Read More Favre-gasm Gone Wrong: Is King Brett I Actually a Queen?
The University of Wisconsin, the epicenter of higher learning in the same state that brought you tail-gating in sub-zero weather drinking some sort of homemade concoction from a plastic jug, has determined that exposure to alcohol is not healthy for their legions of fans. So, in their higher wisdom, they have discontinued beer ads during… Read More Signs We Are Near The End Of Civilization: Wisconsin Bans Beer Ads During Football Games
Consider this an intervention for some shit that has gotten seriously out of control. The O.J.-style slow-speed chase of the SUV that carried King Brett I from owner Zygi Wilf’s private jet to Winter Park was bad enough. The fact that hundreds of you surrounded the streets at Winter Park on a weekday afternoon, many… Read More Open Letter to Minnesota Vikings Fans: Enough with the Favre-gasm Already
To say the Dodgers grind my gears is an exercise in understatement. I hate the Dodgers – seething, bile-spewing, eyeball-exploding hate. I have hated the Dodgers since childhood, and I will hate them until my dying breath. Even after that, I will still hate them. The Dodgers franchise is the embodiment of “warning track power.”… Read More Teams That Grind My Gears: The Los Angeles Dodgers
If nothing else, the Ohio State Penitentiary University has for far too long been amongst the elite of the Big Eleven Ten. Thanks to the “Crazed Librarian,” since 2002 the Buckeyes sport a 47-9 mark in conference play, leading to five conference titles and a national championship. In short, tOSPU has been a royal pain… Read More The Paterno Formula for Beating Ohio State
Believe it or not, there is a fine line between being a fantasy sports geek, and being a truly sad and pathetic creature worthy of only scorn, derision, and occasional pity. If you follow this link and think it’s a great idea, you have pole-vaulted across that line. Seriously, enjoying fantasy sports is one thing… Read More Signs We Are Near The End Of Civilization: Fantasy Championship Rings
Dubsism 